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sinar

Bezerkley, CA

Member Since 2008

Followers 32 Following 39

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Saturday Oct 25, 2008

Oct 25, 2008
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Ennui

I am not particularly motivated these days, either to form a relationship or to work hard or to engage in those distractions (the Spanish say diviertiendo, appropriately) that normal give me some joy in life. I have a friend who is out of work, and quite depressed about it. And yet it doesn't make me feel happy or lucky, though I suppose it should. I have been wondering what I want to do with the rest of my life. In some sense, I have accomplished what I set out to do when I went to school. One could say that there is this or that, but it would be a true quibble. I never really realized what it meant to be in my profession and those goals I had that were political have been eclipsed by the up close view I have had of the system. Though I must admit that I have met some really decent people with the best of intentions, not just egomaniacal opportunists trying to run the government.

It does seem to me, however, that those with the ambition to rise to the top (whether in gov't or in the private sector) are increasingly those without a sense of public-spiritedness, proportion, and the like. It is about ME. Of course I agree that ego has a function in moving society in positive directions. No one starves in this country any more. It is more a question of whether they can afford cable. Or will get the healthcare they need, but go bankrupt - still getting it.

In short, there seems to be no sense of leadership. And I suppose that I no longer look up in awe at those people who might have been heroes of some sort when I was, say, still in high school. Generally speaking, I tend to think I could do as good or better a job. My friends who work on the Hill (US Congress) reinforce this view - most of the Senators and Representatives are there because they possess some sort of people skills, not because they are fit to analyze and legislate on the difficult problems of the day. The sad Christmas tree of a bailout bill that finally made it through both Houses is testament to the fact that even in the worst of times, the "leaders" cannot put aside their pet, narcissistic interests and come together over a common goal or cause. Even as we slip into recession, one the IMF predicts will be deep and long, people are pointing fingers with all too great a regularity.

Perhaps that is just how it is and how always will be - why we have in this country a system of checks and balances and a government designed to dampen the madding rush of crowds, fail as it might from time to time.

This digression is a way of saying that the great love of my youth - politics - no longer seems like the path I want to follow. I have thought about it for, oh, about a year, and I have come up with no great ideas. Academics seems too pointless. Managing other people's money is not something I feel entirely comfortable with, in case it goes badly, and because it is missing a certain human dimension. So I guess I need to figure out what the other alternatives are.

My interest in relationships has waned as I have become more aware of the frailties of some of the women I tend to have crushes on - as an ex- said, "let me tell you a little secret - WOMEN ARE FUCKED UP." It was quite funny at the time but upon closer inspection a little too close to the truth than I would have liked.

What has given me the most meaning in life, true fulfillment, has been - well, I can't say here. But it appears to have gone away. And that is just sad. I suppose as Tennyson said, "Tis better to have loved and lost...." And I can say it is true that knowing the feeling of fulfillment is, I suppose, more of a start than I had in my youth. I would never have expected, though my dad gave me a hint when I was 19.

Two Roads Diverged in a Wood

How now brown cow? That is, which path, in the Robert Frost sense, will make "all the difference?" I hear Candide suggests the answer, though I haven't the patience to read it and think about it. Not even Michigan football is providing a pleasant diversion, as they are off to their worst start in probably 70 years.

On a less introspective note, here is what a stock market crash looks like, with data:




If anyone wants me to explain the relevance of the PE ratio, just ask.
otoki:
Thanks. I was definitely more comfortable shooting that set than the first one, but I wish the lighting had been warmer (it was a really gray day).
Oct 25, 2008

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