The weather was cool and brisk today, with no chance of rain. Such weather demands that one take a walk, if not for oneself, then at least for good mother nature, to show that she is, in some small way, appreciated.
So, armed only with my iPod, I sought refuge in the movement of my legs and the joy of my thoughts.
Only my thoughts would not oblige me.
I began thinking about relations. Yes, those kind of relations... the ones that you don't speak about in polite company. But this is not polite company (and that, reader, is the highest compliment).
I have never been with a woman except my estranged wife. At the time it was due to religious convictions which, like most childish things, have passed away. But nonetheless, that fact remains, and in short order a thought began to pester me... "perhaps that was your shot, and now it is gone..."
And obviously that thought is troubling. It is odd that it hadn't occured to me before, but when your heart is crushed, perhaps your other drives remain silent for awhile, out of courtesy and respect.
Of course, I am not saying this for any reason, so don't be alarmed (lest someone thinks I am begging or something). I just found it odd that, after three months, this is the first time I really thought about that.
Ahhh, what a walk might bring.
So, armed only with my iPod, I sought refuge in the movement of my legs and the joy of my thoughts.
Only my thoughts would not oblige me.
I began thinking about relations. Yes, those kind of relations... the ones that you don't speak about in polite company. But this is not polite company (and that, reader, is the highest compliment).
I have never been with a woman except my estranged wife. At the time it was due to religious convictions which, like most childish things, have passed away. But nonetheless, that fact remains, and in short order a thought began to pester me... "perhaps that was your shot, and now it is gone..."
And obviously that thought is troubling. It is odd that it hadn't occured to me before, but when your heart is crushed, perhaps your other drives remain silent for awhile, out of courtesy and respect.
Of course, I am not saying this for any reason, so don't be alarmed (lest someone thinks I am begging or something). I just found it odd that, after three months, this is the first time I really thought about that.
Ahhh, what a walk might bring.
For years afterward, I saw in my minds eye the perfect children of our union that where not to be. It's like hearing your favorite song over and over again long after the radio station has stopped playing it.
It's a tough moment. All I can suggest is have another focus. A rebound relationship or better a new relationship with yourself. have you tried free face rock climbing? inside or outside?
Really, try it. Bring the focus of your life back appon yourself. In whatever means you need. But, rock climbing. It's this sublime experience. relying on totally you. getting a grasp on ones internal ability.
Either that or you can take it on the revenge side streak that I did which was an internal statement of, "When we meet up again I WILL BE BETTER THAN YOU AND WHAT WE WHERE.....
It's not the best starting point. But I'll bet you understand where I'm talking from.
I think the best thing now is, like you said, to bring the focus of my life back upon myself.
Not the easiest thing to do, but probably the wisest.