Life. The great miracle, and the great mystery.
We all go through things that affect us one way or another, it’s all very interesting. So here is my “Story so far”.
Before I left SG, I moved back home. I decided I needed to leave the toxic in my life, focus on rebuilding myself and then I could get back out there on a better foot. Did that happen? No. About 3 months after I moved home, I met a guy. I didn’t know at the time, cause I was smitten, that this boy was also toxic for me. He is a good human being, but for myself, he convinced me that all the things that I thought made me, well ME, were things that were holding back our relationship. I hadn’t rebuilt myself enough after my previous toxic relationship with a man who would call me mean things and made me feel worthless. When we met, I was vulnerable. One of those things was my SG career. I was also aware that while living at home, I would not be able to peruse SG as much as I could before that. So I chose to leave. It was not just him, but others around me said “it was for the better”.
So now what has changed since then. That relationship is over, and has been for over 6 months now. After a week of being single, my eyes opened and I realized the relationship was no good. After a month, The heartache was over, and I had found someone else to temporarily make me happy. In October I moved out of my parents place, being unable to handle the lack of independence and moved into a small apartment with my two cats, I also met a guy who opened my eyes to who I really am and made me feel like someone out there can appreciate the life choices you make and your insecurities and flaws. After a short-lived week of being close, he decided to leave.
We are all given choices in our life, the choice to leave, the choice to ignore, the choice to never go back. Everyone is faced with those choices, While one can be upset at the end result of those choices, the choice had to be made, and the results hurt you, but any choice can hurt anyone and you may never even know.
I quickly learnt after that, to easily forgive (I already did before, but I did not always mean it), but to also be aware a person made that choice, you do not know the other options. Everyone deserves a chance.
This was the start to me changing my whole life.
I decided to shoot my SG set “Callipygian” thanks to this October boy. He gave me the confidence I had lost to shoot again and I can never forget him for that. I have been thinking of SG and wanting to come back, but I struggled with the idea. I decided in this newly gained confidence to do a shoot, and see how I felt. During and after the shoot I knew it was the right choice. Working with @mqphotography was such a highlight of my 2016 and I hope to shoot more with him in 2017.
The next choice was one I expected since I moved home. I had shut down emotionally from being close to my “best friend” of 7 years. She is a good human being, but she got more controlling, more dramatic, and we were both at two different stages in our lives. She is in a relationship of 5+ years, I was recently single and she decided I should just be alone forever. She trash talked any and every guy that came into my life, never accepting the choices unless she made them. One night I decided to sarcastically respond to her claiming I was jealous of her life, and she told me she was aware I had been jealous and decided to open up all these thought and tried to tell me how I felt. It was that moment I realized she had a perspective of me that was off and when I tried to be me, I noticed it caused some issues so I decided I’d rather not be around people that don’t know me as the real me.
About a week ago, I was informed by my ex he had started dating someone new (I don’t think he saw me when he came into my work with her 2 weeks before that) . I have always been very depressed when I were to see or hear of an ex with someone new, in fact as soon as I saw October boy was with someone new, I was hurt, but this was different. I saw him with her, and had zero emotional impact, there was no sadness, no anger, no happiness. I felt nothing. The fact I felt nothing hurt myself, I was confused emotionally cause I thought I was suppose to feel sadness, but I couldn’t, I just did not care. I still don’t. I have learnt we are both two very opposite people. He is not my usual taste in men and I can now see that. He is just not meant for me. I hope whoever he dates makes him happy, and that he is happy. I do not enjoy the fact he decided that instead of returning my slave leia costume, to instead throw it out before I could even shoot in it! So that won’t be a set in the next little while and you can blame him.
I have changed a lot in my life in the last 6 months, and a lot has changed around me.
Is it all positive?
No.
Is that ok?
Yes.
Right now I have felt more like myself that I feel I did for most of 2016. I am excited for 2017 to help me find myself, and make my way down a road of self progression and a productive future.
I also am very up to date and post often on my instagram if you wanna follow that.
<3
