A sinner, a saint. A sin eater, a plague and a cure. I've been sad, happy, numb, lost, found, shunned and accepted. I've been the clown and the "downer" at the party. I've been an optimist and a cynic. I've been alive and dead inside in equal measures. I've loved, hated, been indifferent and benevolent. I've lost so many that I have loved and found so many that I grew to care about and love too. I've been drowned, lifted up on high and thrown into the fiery abyss of loathing. I've been so many things and I've had enough of all of these things. I've never been one thing though. I've never just been myself with any and everyone all the time.
Some have seen me, some have known me and yet, many others haven't the faintest clue about me. I am okay with that because I'm one of those that doesn't fully know me well enough either. So I get it. I really do. Somewhere, there is someone waiting on me and I'll be there to make sure they know I truly care. All the while, another will expect me to be there for them and they will be disappointed in me since I won't be there. Not because I don't want to be, but because I simply just can't right now. There's always so much to do. Even when I'm lost in a stupor and am truly doing nothing of importance. The world wants too much when you don't want the attention and then when you do, the world wants nothing from you. Not even a word uttered.
So hello again Cicero Avenue. Let's forget our troubles once more. And, let us raise a glass to those that went before us and those that'll be here long after our time has passed. Lovely and dead is how Tom Waits put it wasn't it? Ahhh, the memories come flooding back and I'm on the stroll again. The neon signs glow wonderfully and I'm out of my mind and screaming the lyrics of "Where Is My Mind?" by The Pixies. Funny things is though, my mind has been with me and intact all along. I just turn a blind eye to the thoughts I want to not cop to. It's a long story I suppose. But that's that for now. Cicero Avenue calls out always and I'm always finding myself back here. The West side of the city by the lake.
I've been a derelict and a benefactor. I've been down and out as well as rolling in the dough as it were. I've lost so goddamned much to my own vices and to the wants of others in a vastly disproportionate amount. I've been the destroyer and the creator. I've been around the block and I've also just been born so many times. I've been the person that people think of with fondness and the person thought of with contempt and disgust by others. I'm everything and nothing all at once. I couldn't care less honestly. We all play our parts in this world as one of many cogs that make the "world machine" keep on running. Our little microcosms and macrocosms that keep people together and tribal sometimes, to a fault. I wish that "world machine" could be mended but it would require the loss of so many things that need improvement and NOT loss. So on it runs and belches out smoke and pollution of all the most nauseating kinds. From xenophobia to every ism that makes mankind a virus. Yet, it also broadcasts the best of us too. The love and acceptance of all humanity and their unique and shared qualities with all of us others. So I guess that machine needs to keep being tended too.
I've been philosophical and just plain stupid. I've been whimsical and I've been a monster. I've been wrath and I've been forgiveness. When does all of this end so I can just be me? News flash, you'll always have to be something to others. Even if that "something" is the monster they hate and fear. So let it be the way it needs to be. Let's just agree that we'll make the world a better place before it's too late. I've been a fan and a leader. I've been a heretic and an apostle to other things as well.
There's no consistent way to be. Just be true to yourself and those you come into contact with. If they don't like who you are, that's their problem, not yours. Never compromise unless it's for the good of someone truly worth the effort and sacrifice. Most of the people you meet will be worth it, I promise you all that. Some though, some of them, don't give them an inch. Refuse and resist if they have hate that cannot be quenched or dissipated. Nothing but love to the ones that understand and only sadness for those that cannot comprehend for whatever reasons they claim it's just too much to accept. They're not the ones trying to better anything or anyone, including themselves.
I've been a warning and an example. I've been a problem and an answer to the equation. I've been the huckster and the one that would never lie. I've been the crook and the victim. I've been so many other things that I can't even remember or care to mention. It's all too much most of the time but here I am and here you all are too. So again, bring me on down to rest Cicero Avenue. With all the loud noises and gunshots ringing out throughout the days and nights I carouse you Cicero Avenue. How could I ever stop being in this place? It's alive and it is the death of others. It's a million stories all balled into one that sometimes ends in misery or in pure uplifting of a person's self worth.
Let everything be as it is unless it's cannibalizing the people of the area and putting them into some form of servitude that should never exist. Love when you can and fight like hell to keep it that way. Without one another, we're doomed as a species and that's a damn shame if we can't get past this insanely stupid "hurdle" we find ourselves encountering right now in the world. All we need to do is jump it or burn it down.
I've been an instigator and a martyr. I've been a criminal and a morally upstanding member of society. I've been the best and worst of humanity throughout the years. It's what everyone must do in their own lives and it can severely break some for good and it can also help some others become more themselves. This life is temporary and there is NO guarantee of anything beyond this life. So live for now and not for some fairy tale after this world that isn't there. You only get one go around, as far as I know. Make the most of it and regret nothing by also doing no harm to anyone other than yourself if that's what you want to do. If you're the only one effected by your decisions, then that's fine. Just, don't push your wants onto those around you where they suffer because of you and your choices.
I've been the best and the worst of humanity. I've been the most accommodating and the least hospitable of people at times too. I've been...
Ah, Cicero Avenue and "K-Town" I'm a coming on back to you for now. See you when my shoes hit your pavement the next time I come 'round. It won't be long and we'll be able to howl and bark at the moon again and curse the sun for its bright and offensive light when we've had a bit too much sauce the night before. Many a things I've been. I've been...tired.