So, things have increasingly went horribly for my family member and their health issues. I will say first to those that don't know and are wondering who the family member is, it is my mother. I need to explain some things after I explain her current condition as it effects no only her in a horribly bad way but also the other members of my immediate family and my very close friends and band mates/other musicians that are also going to have a rough go of it as she is loved and respected by all of them. Of course, this will also be effecting me very badly but outside of my mother whom this is happening to and my father, it will definitely impact me just as badly as my father and possibly worse. Again, for the reasons I explain in a minute after the update on her health.
So, she has been moved to hospice as of 8 o'clock p.m. Central Standard Time and is now in the end stages of life. She will soon pass and the doctors, a literal team of specialists from hematologists, liver specialists, kidney specialists and others that are managing the pain from other maladies my mother has endured for years (before the illness that is killing her, cirrhosis) have all concluded that she will pass imminently. The expected time she has left with those of us that love her currently sits at about 2 weeks maximum, barring anything that may hasten or slow the rate at which she is declining. However, there is no longer any way to keep her from passing so this is getting to the end of the line as far as what she can/could have done about it. This is happening no matter how badly I or any of the others want it not to unfortunately.
So having given the only news that applies for an "update" such as this has been given. Now comes the part that I felt I should write down somewhere and this site is my literal refuge from the outside world at large and the online communities I frequent outside of Suicide Girls as well.
I guess that some will call me a "momma's boy" for the things I am about to say here and honestly, I am totally fine with that. The main reason for that being that my mother wasn't just a parent, she was also someone I confided in, who supported me and every endeavor I ever went to achieve no matter the outcome, an honest but fair arbiter in the "court" of "should I do/have done this?", as well as being one of my best friends ever in my life. That last part is especially dear to me since I truly mean she was a best friend. Being much older than I and my friends, my mother would go to concerts with us and truly loved music far beyond the realm of most people in their late 50's to late 60's (she is currently 68 and her birthday is on the 20th of this month, another thing that's going to kill me from now on, explained in a bit here more.) ranging from bands like the Deftones, Liars, Sean Lennon, Ministry, Revolting Cocks, System of a Down, Anthrax, Beck, Devotchka, Nine Inch Nails, Queens of the Stone Age, Eagles of Death Metal, Ween, Buckethead, Primus, Smashing Pumpkins and so many, many others over that good decade plus of concerts she went to with me and my friends and sometimes, my brother too.
Not only was she a fabulous friend to me but she was there for me in the worst times of my life up until this happened to her. She lost friends and even told extended family to fuck off when nobody realized yet that I was mentally ill in my teenage years (I myself hid it from everyone as well but only to the best of my abilities which at the time, were not very good at all.). She didn't just help family and friends of the family either. She was a wonderful member of her community and worked initially with the homeless and was a shelter coordinator as well as working the shelter sites personally as well. Then, she went into counseling pregnant teens or couples that stayed together as well and were teenagers. After that, she ended her many years of work by working in the area that she wanted to get into due to my mental health issues. She became a social outreach specialist who would do in home visits with mental health clients of the DuPage County Health Department. She sat on numerous boards like the elder abuse prevention board, the mental health outreach coordination board, the domestic abuse board, the homeless/police department relations board (advocating for the homeless) and the committee that drew up the training program for new employees in the mental health outreach and home visit employee position and tightened up the program and made sure that the new employees were trained in de-escalation techniques, empathy and compassion components to comfort the health department clients they visited as well as many other areas of the job that were left pretty much unaddressed until she formed that committee.
So overall, my mom cared about and truly LOVED human beings but also understood that there were those in the world that were capable of doing something considered awful by society's standards but that it did NOT mean they were a "lost cause" or "degenerate" of a person. She believed in second chances for those that had done everything in their power to change their lives in the way they wanted to change and she donated money to numerous causes throughout her life all the way to the streets where if someone was panhandling, she'd throw 20 dollars or more into their cup. She truly wanted the world to be more caring and open for all to be accepted and cared for in a truly loving and non-biased way. That is my mother and what she stood for.
So I finally get to the portion that seems a bit strange to me as if I'm waxing poetic for reasons other than to immortalize (even if for the longevity of Suicide Girls as a website or I am no longer a member.) how I feel about what is now inevitable and how afraid I am that my life will spiral out of control to the days of old when no one could calm me and I was much worse off than I am now in many aspects of my life as a whole. Once she passes, I am afraid that I am both going to lose my grip on my mental health issues by a fair amount and also return to self destructive habits. In fact I can one hundred percent guarantee that it has that effect on me for sure. I mentioned during the beginning of this I would explain why the birthday of my mother, coming up on the 20th would destroy me. Well, beside it forever being associated now with the passing of my mother right around the time of her birth and during the holiday season is that the exact same thing occurred with the death of her mother. Another influential woman in my family that I adored. She had hidden the fact she had contracted colon cancer and didn't tell anyone as well as not seek out treatment for the cancer because she wanted "one last Christmas that was perfect" with all of us in the family. I was also barred from getting to visit her when she was dying in mid January since she didn't want her eldest grandson to see her in that state which I always felt was selfish of her and I do hold that against her whilst still loving my grandmother anyway. She was amazing too. I was nonetheless blind sided in that situation though.
So this all builds up into a total echo chamber type of nightmare. Now I used to be depressed from the beginning of November through to mid February where I was just normally clinically depressed until April which is my birth month and it was my grandmother's too, days before the day I was born in the month too. Then I would just go back to normal depressed in the beginning of June and then back into ultra depressed when November would roll around again. Now with my mother's death imminent and probably occurring right around her birthday is only going to magnify the profound bitterness I have towards this time of year already. It's going to be nightmarish from this point onward in the years of my life to follow because this cycle happens every year since my grandmother died back in '02 and now will only be that much harder. For the record, since 'o2 there hasn't been a year where this "double depression" cycle of mine hasn't occurred. So yeah, I expect it to be much worse and much more severe in terms of how I choose to barely "cope" with this time of year and the current situation moving forward.
By "cope" I am talking about the fact that I used to be a severe addict who nowadays just likes to party but does not do anything to an insane degree (well maybe not by normal standards honestly). I don't want to have my "coping" progress and evolve to a backslide into full on abuse of substances again as I really did hate that version of me from earlier on in my life. I wasn't really living in a totally constant haze of confusion, black outs and other messed up shit that scarred me for life. Beside that the mental illness issues I have do cause a very hefty amount of visual and auditory hallucinations as well. Long story short here, I could be a ticking time bomb as far as my own health goes in the near future and for the rest of my life however long or short it ends up being. That also, was NOT me alluding to committing suicide. Fuck that shit. I did attempt a few times when I was in my late teens and early 20's but I am not about taking my own life in a suicide sense. I am not afraid of my own death honestly. The death of my loved ones, that's what I truly fear and that is obviously what is happening so that's the reason for all the concern.
My father is already walking around like a zombie, which is to be expected as this is his wife of 48 years and they have both always loved each other immensely. They had arguments like any couple but they loved each other and I did come from a home of peaceful harmony in the overall sense. No abuse of anyone verbal, mental or physical. No guilt trips over trivial things, nothing of a bad variety ever tainted their marriage. So he's 78, a full ten years older than my mother and of course, by statistical means and just odds, he and everyone else assumed he would pass away first. It's only logical since he's 10 years older. That isn't the case though obviously so this will crush him even worse once she does pass since he's already walking around in a daze and I have witnessed him cry more in the past two weeks that I had in the last 43 years of my life and I am 44 now. So yeah, dude never cried about much of anything so when he started crying, I knew this was hitting way, way harder than any other tragedy he's ever faced. Including almost dying a few times himself in the past.
As for my brother, this will change him forever too obviously but, my brother is a bit of an "odd bird" in the sense that he's more of the total solitary type. He doesn't emote much in the way of sadness, at least outward visible sadness. So I am kind of worried to see how this does effect him and how he will process this and hopefully not internalize it even though I just said I most likely will internalize some of it myself and just fall into heavy substance abuse again. I still worry about my brother though. He's never smoked a cigarette or done any illegal substances and when he drinks, it's a two drink maximum for that guy. He's about as straight an arrow as is capable between him and I comparatively. The near saint (my brother) and the total sinner aka me. I've no malice in my heart when I type that either. Comparatively in my own mind he is a saint by my standards. He's the better of the two of us but certainly hasn't had an easy life either.
As for my friends, band mates and other musicians on our label that my mother founded, this is equally damaging to most of them in a very profound way. Many of them call my mom their "other mom" or just mom as my brother and I do. She also calls them her sons and daughters and fought for many of them as well in the past and they love and respect her as much as I and my family do. She in turn, loves them all just as much. Their reaction during this whole event has left me speechless. So much support and so many difficult things processed by me with their help and their advice. Their total commitment to being there as well when my mother passes. A truly big group of people that insist on seeing her, even if it needs to be done in shifts before she is no longer with us. Their support means the world to my father, brother and I and they are truly all my brothers and sisters as well. I love them all with every fiber of my being and will always be protected by me and my family whenever possible.
That leaves my online friends from this site and others. You all know who you are and once this is all over I will throw the shout outs to those that have been there supporting me in whatever manner, from liking the posts about the updates, to comments and to those that I speak to on a more personal basis and the never ending support you and they have all shown me. You have my undying gratitude and you all matter to me as well so thank you for every little and big thing you have done for me personally so far and in the days, weeks and years to come. I truly hope I can repay the debt in any fashion at some point but just know that these acts of kindness you've show have NOT gone unnoticed and will not be forgotten either!
I am trying to stay positive and calm until the actual time of the tragic event. So that's why I've been commenting sets of people I support here on site and have been cheery and positive in my comments. I just want you all to understand that just because I am hurting doesn't mean I don't have a few moments here or there to support my lovely friends affiliated with this wonderful site. So thank you all again very much from me and my immediate family. I will of course update once the end result does come. Thank you again for the support and I'll see you on site as soon as I am able again.
Much love and respect to all,
Nick aka SilentObjectorX
Mom...I love you and you know that. I will never forget any of the wonderful things you showed me, did for me or just flat out defended me over. I will miss thrashing out at thrash metal shows with you. I will miss going to industrial shows with you and every other type of activity you engaged in and had fun with my friends and I in doing so. In the end, you shaped my life more than any other person I've ever known. You taught me to be empathetic, kind, sincere and to never let the world destroy my heart and care of others. You will forever be missed and mourned. I will think of you all the time and some times, it will be tears, sometimes laughter and smiles, sometimes even all three. No matter what, you made a difference in many, many people's lives and no one else I know has had that impact on so many. You will sorely be missed by many and we will honor you with every ounce of energy we have. Know that we will celebrate you for the rest of our lives and speak of you with reverence and honest love and a deep and hurting scar left by the loss of you. I wish none of this had to come but here we are now. I do not like it and I know you don't either. Just know that I loved you as much as a person could love another and that will never wain. I hate that I will have to say goodbye to one of my greatest allies and friends sometime very soon. Just know you mean the world to others beside myself and my brother and your husband. Love until the end of time and beyond mom.