silencia

I'm kind of not in a good mood today.

I'm feeling undervalued, underappreciated, and moderately unhappy.

I was taking a break from editing photos, and decided to kill some time on ze internet until I felt inspired enough to get back to work. Looking through random things, I was "realizing" that I feel as though I've been forcing myself onto people to hang out with me. I can't remember when was the last time that someone just out of the blue said, "hey, let's hang out!" without me having texted/messaged/called a bunch of times before. Such an ugly feeling overcame my insides, that I felt like just going into hiding.

I've spent the last three-ish years trying to pursue a life that I wanted - surrounding myself with people who I found to be utterly amazing. I spent two of those years being in love with a man who could not make time to incorporate me in his busy life, save for a small handful of days each year. His words said that he loved me, but his actions screamed, "you're just not important enough to be a bigger part of my life." And my friends, it's getting really old having to seek them out. AND, it kind of sucks that when I decide to give them space to contact me, then they run into each other and ask if I'm angry with them. NO! I'm just tired of always having to be the one doing the chasing. For once, I'd like to be the one that people seek out. If you think I'm pleasant enough to be around, let me know by at least fucking calling me or making plans with me. Don't just tell me that you want to see me - fucking do it.

ARGH! Sorry. I'm probably going to look back on this entry and regret every word I wrote. I'm just going to take some time to myself... maybe read, go grab a bite to eat, watch a movie. Fuck it.