So, here's the weird thing about defending...
First, it's super anti-climactic. I've been working on the dissertation for three years. I've been working towards a PhD for the last six. Fuck, I've know for like the last *ten* years that this was what I wanted. Hence, showing up in a conference room, giving a lame-ass presentation, and then BSing through some questions - well, that's not really the dramatic moment you're hoping for you know? In a lot of ways, once you put the time in and get a job, you pretty much know it's a done deal. So there's that. But that was expected.
What was *unexpected*, in terms of my emotional response, was how overwhelming "next steps" felt. Basically, a lot of defenses end up being conversations about what needs to happen to the project now - what kind of data is needed, where the theory should go next, missing pieces that need to be addressed etc. The best metaphor for the dissertation defense itself was climbing a hill. On the defense day, you think you're at the peak. But just as you come over the rise, you realize it's not a peak - it's just a leveling off. In fact, there is ANOTHER peak beyond that yet. That's a weird, kind of shitty sensation. You go, nearly instantaneously, from having a pretty good dissertation to holding a pretty crummy rough draft of a book. So it goes.
I feel especially anxious about next steps b/c my current job is more of a teaching position. You can make time for research (and I fully believe that most academics don't work nearly as hard as they claim, so there is time to be made for your own work), but it will take some overt finagling on my part to get it done. Anyway, so that adds to my anxiety some. (Though, that's not really it. I could be going to a huge research school, and I'd still be freaked out by what I have to do. Like I said, refining theory, finding new data, hunting up new secondary sources - it's like adding a whole diss on top of this one.)
But I'm trying to not think about "next steps" right now. I ain't got time for that y'all! I have to move, my get classes figured out etc. Speaking of: moving is totally a drag right now. My house is a mess. I'm getting bummed about having to leave the wife for a year. And I'm just generally a bit wigged out by moving to a small town in the mountain West. I'm missing Chicago, and I'm not even gone yet. I think it'll be a great time out there, I just (as I've noted before) really hate change. That said, I hope this is a temporary sojourn, and I'll be rocking the corn fields of Illinois before too long again.
Anyhoot. Enough bitching! I'm done, I'm employed, and I'm off on a great adventure. These are good times. I need to stop being a nostalgic, melancholy bitch.
In good news: We had Ethiopian last night. I heart Ethiopian.
First, it's super anti-climactic. I've been working on the dissertation for three years. I've been working towards a PhD for the last six. Fuck, I've know for like the last *ten* years that this was what I wanted. Hence, showing up in a conference room, giving a lame-ass presentation, and then BSing through some questions - well, that's not really the dramatic moment you're hoping for you know? In a lot of ways, once you put the time in and get a job, you pretty much know it's a done deal. So there's that. But that was expected.
What was *unexpected*, in terms of my emotional response, was how overwhelming "next steps" felt. Basically, a lot of defenses end up being conversations about what needs to happen to the project now - what kind of data is needed, where the theory should go next, missing pieces that need to be addressed etc. The best metaphor for the dissertation defense itself was climbing a hill. On the defense day, you think you're at the peak. But just as you come over the rise, you realize it's not a peak - it's just a leveling off. In fact, there is ANOTHER peak beyond that yet. That's a weird, kind of shitty sensation. You go, nearly instantaneously, from having a pretty good dissertation to holding a pretty crummy rough draft of a book. So it goes.
I feel especially anxious about next steps b/c my current job is more of a teaching position. You can make time for research (and I fully believe that most academics don't work nearly as hard as they claim, so there is time to be made for your own work), but it will take some overt finagling on my part to get it done. Anyway, so that adds to my anxiety some. (Though, that's not really it. I could be going to a huge research school, and I'd still be freaked out by what I have to do. Like I said, refining theory, finding new data, hunting up new secondary sources - it's like adding a whole diss on top of this one.)
But I'm trying to not think about "next steps" right now. I ain't got time for that y'all! I have to move, my get classes figured out etc. Speaking of: moving is totally a drag right now. My house is a mess. I'm getting bummed about having to leave the wife for a year. And I'm just generally a bit wigged out by moving to a small town in the mountain West. I'm missing Chicago, and I'm not even gone yet. I think it'll be a great time out there, I just (as I've noted before) really hate change. That said, I hope this is a temporary sojourn, and I'll be rocking the corn fields of Illinois before too long again.
Anyhoot. Enough bitching! I'm done, I'm employed, and I'm off on a great adventure. These are good times. I need to stop being a nostalgic, melancholy bitch.
In good news: We had Ethiopian last night. I heart Ethiopian.
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Remember, this is what you've been working towards for years. Well, not exactly this, but you know what I mean.
You'll get the book done, and realize there's a lot you already have that's good.