I can already tell I’m going to have a horrible birthday in a few weeks. My stress is overwhelming, this will be the first time I’m alone on my birthday in a long time, and even still, with last year being crappy going through couple’s counseling and having my idiot ex pass out on the floor making me think he was dead because of whatever drugs he was on, I had to literally slap him to wake him, which made me cry because, yeah, my birthday is also the day my dad passed away on when I just finished my freshman year of college, before I became an SG, so I thought my (then) husband (now ex) has died too, and didn’t know what to do.
Of course, my ex never really gave me birthday celebrations and gifts were often bought myself because he was just so bad at giving anything to anyone but himself. So I often ended up celebrating other people’s occasions since they always seemed to plan them on or around my birthday (or there was that time my family threw a surprise bridal shower for my sister on my birthday, I didn’t get a bridal shower for my wedding and I’ve never been the recipient of a surprise party in my life because no one ever cared or cares that much for me). It hurts to know that a day is an anniversary of a horrible thing and you are reminded of it because it’s supposed to be happy to you. Now I have absolutely nobody.
All I really wanted was to see a few friends and possibly have someone help me build the furniture needed to get my living room into a functioning place... which probably isn’t going to happen because my luck sucks and I don’t have people around who will help me with things. So I just kind of lumber around like a fucking zombie.
I don’t know. Sorry for the pity party here. It’s just I can’t sleep most nights and I’m going crazy from having absolutely no human contact. I’m trying not to cry all the time. This social distancing thing is starting to drive me nuts and make me feel worthless. I feel like no one cares or will.
Anyway, I turn closer to 40 on the 13th of June and no one is under any obligation to purchase me something or whatever, but if you want my wishlist link, this is it. There’s a lot of hair stuff on it because I’m getting my hair dresser to finally dye my hair the day after my birthday. That’s if I don’t go super cray by then.
I just want friends back in my life. I miss friends. I’m tired of having no one to talk to or rely on for help... All I want is to be able to live in more than one room of my apartment. This isolation is making me feel like I’m being punished like it was back in the days of living with my now ex...
Fuck. I hate everything right now. I feel like everyone is happy but me and everyone has someone but me. I really am trying...
Sorry I’m a ball of messed up bullshit right now.
I just miss friendship and love. I’m just cynical and afraid these days.
x0x0,
☠️-Sid-☠️