My aunt seems to be refusing to let go and has been in hospice for way longer than anyone thought. She was given hours to live after she decided to end all treatments for her cancer. It's been about a week now. They have her so drugged up (to keep the pain at bay) that she hasn't spoken since Monday.
My mother is supposed to go visit her tomorrow, and she's going to call me so my aunt can at least hear my voice. I guess my aunt doesn't want me to get myself wrapped up in grief and she's more worried over me than she really should be.
I can't afford do go back to Rhode Island at the moment, and I know as soon as I head out to the airport, all the pain is going to hit me at once. Again.
I've decided that in her honor, I am going to do all I can to make myself feel better. Get my EDS to stop controlling me, and try to control it. I've begun taking a new CBD oil that I was able to pick up at a local health food store. It's helping me sleep. That's something I've sorely missed and desperately needed to catch up on.
My energy has been nearly zero, but luckily, my pain levels have been rather low too, so I consider that part a win! Hopefully things will perk up, including things with my aunt, soon. We really all just want her to know we harbor no ill-will for her to go on her own terms. I may not be able to handle her passing with the grace I wish I had, considering I'm the one who is constantly out of the loop and the only one not back East. I also don't want to overwhelm her more than she is already. Apparently, she has so many people visiting her. Part of me worries for myself flying back there in that it may start my seizures up again. Part of me regrets not being able to spend time with her right now, and the last part of me doesn't want my last memories of her to be of her in this way...
I don't know if I'm being selfish or not. I don't want to harm anyone at all. I just am not sure if I am making the right choice or not? I have practically no money, and I have a small handful of paying gigs coming up very soon that I really can't afford to drop if I want to continue to be able to eat and feed my small family. I was hoping to fly back East for NYCC (October), and possibly, make a trip back to RI while I'm there. Once things are calmer, and be able to see everyone on happier terms.
Ever since my father died, I cannot do funerals, especially Catholic ones. It's how I see my dad when I close my eyes; cold, twisted, a shell of himself, not really him. I don't want that with more family members. I want to see them smiling and making me laugh. Making me happy. Being themselves. Not an empty vessel. If that makes me selfish, then I guess I am... I know my family knows that I am there for them whenever they need me. I just wish I could freely teleport to be physically with them when I can or want to.
I guess I do have my own health to look out for as well...
I just am "stuck".
x0x0,
☠️-Sid-☠️
