I've been here as a SuicideGirl for 14 years, and I still feel like most people don't know me, understand me, nor care to learn anything about me. Which is fine, not everyone needs to like me. However, sometimes, I have this feeling of exile, and I often find myself on that desert island all alone with little to no support or friends to listen; that place where dark thoughts linger... I feel lost when I'm not helping others or doing something I'd normally enjoy, and sadly, enjoyment has been scarce in the last year. Too many things I was looking forward to fell through, and that was hard on me.
2017, was without a doubt, the toughest year I've had as of recent, mostly due to my health, and added little mind games that make me emotional, and others stomping their feet, working at provoking my anger, even as I try to keep it in check. I just wish I could have just one more chance to present things in my light and to help the way I was supposed to.
I hope I can overcome the heartaches that I have experienced so many times in this past year. I want to be that kind person most people know me as. I don't understand why people always assume others to have bad intentions, which I have been guilty of in the past, but am making an effort to change in the future. I just want to be able to enjoy this place that I love. This place I met my soulmate, my husband, my rock. I'm so tired of being the "villain" and I just want to enjoy this place where I have built a family.
I don't have a real family who are supportive of me, or many people to talk to. If I make any comment, even a compliment, I feel as though I should duck in case someone doesn't quite understand my wording, or automatically assume I'm being rude.
I don't know if it'll last another 14 years, but I hope to remain here as long as possible because creating art, love, and friendships is why I came in the first place, and I want to continue t0 be here as long as possible, even if I am the "ugly old ogre" that I've been shaded as... I'm starting to fear that due to rumor and innuendo, I am seen as a bitch more than anything else. It hurts, and I don't know how to get these people to just let things lay and walk away from it or why they keep letting it fester since I drop the subject, and then am pushed around and called "weak".
My whole life and my tough exterior just deceive people into thinking I am completely awful... If I could have just one person come to my aid when I need it or hear my narrative of events, it would make me feel better, even if I am still the vilified one.
Here's to hoping I can continue to represent SG for another 14+ years, and here's to hoping that my illness lets its grip a bit looser on me as time goes on. Too much stress can cause one to break; and I am pretty badly broken. I hope I can be forgiven for any misunderstandings. It is never my intention to hurt someone, yet inevitably, it falls to my feet, even when I do my best to avoid what trouble I can... but people are vindictive, people are hurtful, and people lie...
All I wish for the future is less infliction of physical and emotional pain. Here's to another who-knows-how-many years. I may end up becoming one of those weird old chicks that no one understands how she's become an SG in the first place, but my place is here, and I know that.
x0x0,
☠️-Sid-☠️
