From: me, To; Me, 3:33 am (4 hours ago)
RE: FUCK YOU
i'm still in very real danger i think. the dark days seem behind me,
but now i see all that my eyes passed by. I see the time i've lost,
and i don't know how to amend that loss. The goals are all gone now,
all but the memory of how it was to have them. Now i just don't know
what i'm doing, and i hate it more now than ever. And still the
feeling persists that i'm just being an idiot, that i know how to do
this, to leave get back on track, own this little life i've been
neglecting. I could be doing so much more with myself. Money stands
firmly in the way, as bullshit as that sounds, as petty . Am i
blinding myself behind this facade and why?
I found myself looking at the college i dropped out of. what would i
be doing now, how far would i have come if i hadn't failed myself,
found the resolve to struggle no matter the difficulty. that isn't a
harsh judgment, i failed myself. badly. Now i better get over it,
before it eats me.
I'm just so frustrated with this. The feeling of having made a very
real mistake by coming here, despite the likelihood that it has been
useful. So much less emotional conflict here, i can see how dependant
i was on it, and how that dependency fucked my relationships so
severely. how little did i know what i wanted, or how to get it.
For years i've been telling myself some things that may not have been
true, aspects of myself. an anecdotal lifestyle, with so little
communication with challenging people, so much conflict with those
that offered a challenge. Dichotomy has always been my grift, but
these days it hurts too much to continue that.
And i'm so close to honest with myself, i can't ignore how close i
could be to the people i want to be with. is it love i harbor for
them, feels like it, but what do i know of this feeling. Sure, i know
desire like a leech knows blood, but is it really what i think it is.
So when you see fuck fucking fuck fuck. that's only a part of what i
mean. I mean i'm disconnected from it all, all the words i should have
but can't say, all the will to be what i want to be. all of it. just
out of reach.
i have to get out of here.
____
yeah, that's more work time well spent. anyway....
RE: FUCK YOU
i'm still in very real danger i think. the dark days seem behind me,
but now i see all that my eyes passed by. I see the time i've lost,
and i don't know how to amend that loss. The goals are all gone now,
all but the memory of how it was to have them. Now i just don't know
what i'm doing, and i hate it more now than ever. And still the
feeling persists that i'm just being an idiot, that i know how to do
this, to leave get back on track, own this little life i've been
neglecting. I could be doing so much more with myself. Money stands
firmly in the way, as bullshit as that sounds, as petty . Am i
blinding myself behind this facade and why?
I found myself looking at the college i dropped out of. what would i
be doing now, how far would i have come if i hadn't failed myself,
found the resolve to struggle no matter the difficulty. that isn't a
harsh judgment, i failed myself. badly. Now i better get over it,
before it eats me.
I'm just so frustrated with this. The feeling of having made a very
real mistake by coming here, despite the likelihood that it has been
useful. So much less emotional conflict here, i can see how dependant
i was on it, and how that dependency fucked my relationships so
severely. how little did i know what i wanted, or how to get it.
For years i've been telling myself some things that may not have been
true, aspects of myself. an anecdotal lifestyle, with so little
communication with challenging people, so much conflict with those
that offered a challenge. Dichotomy has always been my grift, but
these days it hurts too much to continue that.
And i'm so close to honest with myself, i can't ignore how close i
could be to the people i want to be with. is it love i harbor for
them, feels like it, but what do i know of this feeling. Sure, i know
desire like a leech knows blood, but is it really what i think it is.
So when you see fuck fucking fuck fuck. that's only a part of what i
mean. I mean i'm disconnected from it all, all the words i should have
but can't say, all the will to be what i want to be. all of it. just
out of reach.
i have to get out of here.
____
yeah, that's more work time well spent. anyway....
but seriously folks...if you don't like yourself then change. the only thing we have control over is ourselves. people can change and do daily, no matter how slightly it may be.
& it's never too late to go back to school if that's what you really want to do. i was good friends with a man that went back to finish college when he was about 31. he jumped right in to jr college w/ us 18 yr olds. he & i ended up great friends & even graduated from a big school together.
myself, i often wish that i hadn't gone to school. i wish i would have jumped right into trying to be an actor before school took the desire out of me. but it's ok, i learned many valuable things during this time, so it definitely wasn't wasted. you just have to live our life that's all.