shokwave

I am tired. Tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired of trying its all gonna end up the same in the end. So put on a happy face and fake your way through through the human race.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I think I need to become a real jerk because they seem to be the ones that actually get anywhere in life and with people. They look for praise and adornement like a little child. They force their will unto others and fake a smile when they tell you something kind, while inside they are retching at the fact they even said it.

I guess we're all the same. I mean we try differenet ways to appease our dark side through various efforts. Some people use less obtuse ways to get their fill but in the end the beast is fed and life continues.

I dont know maybe there is something wrong with me. I dont seem to care as much about this stuff usually but lately I feel I want people to notice me more. I have put in the efforts in my life and would like to have my ego stroked but alas I feel I am destined to take a back seat in life and just surive.

I figure people think I am weird because I am quiet and they stay away. I can't help it. If I open my mouth I am too honest and end up telling people what they dont want to hear. "Oh your really not so fat, loud, annoying, stupid, ugly". When in reality they are. I just haven't learned how to fake it and just go with the flow. I look at people in total, maybe I should learn to break them down into parts and find one thing I can tolerate and focus on that. Wow I actually think I hit upon it right now. Maybe if I do that I can actually find a way of fitting in with people just maybe. I have always been on the outside with all groups of people. Maybe finding fault with everyone was the problem.

God I hate being depressed makes you look at things differently.