shoegal

I'm frustrated. That last journal entry was very stupid. But I do feel like I don't want to be "here." Not this website, but here, anywhere. I think I've been depressed, almost daily for the past couple of months. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, and I don't want to go out and do anything. I didn't have to go to work till 5 yesterday, and I didn't do anything with the time before, and it's not because I didn't want, I just feel like I can't. I know it's supposed to get better, but I don't feel like it will. I sincerely try to be happy or even just neutral, but it doesn't work. Peter is "concerned" about me, but I feel like he's just annoyed that I'm not happy all the time. I just don't feel it. I feel lonely, and useless, and like I have no direction in which my life is going. Even though it's a little planned out: 2 more years of school, graduate, get a nice job, meet a nice man, blah blah. The only thing I know is that there are 2 more years left. On one hand I really want them to be over, and on the other I'm scared for them to be over. I don't know if I like what my major is anymore, but I'm too scared and unsure to change it to something else.
I wish I could make myself get up in the morning, go to the gym, clean my room, read a book, just do something with myself...but I just don't. I lay in bed and try to sleep as much as possible till I have to go to work.
I didn't eat anything yesterday because I didn't feel like going to the grocery store, and I didn't want to stop and get something. I'm not even hungry. I just know that I have to eat something, otherwise I'll probably faint at work.
I don't feel like going to a therapist will help me. I don't need to talk about my problems, I've talked about them so much that it's irrating. I irrate myself constantly. Maybe it's a chemical thing. Or maybe I'm just bored and not actually depressed, all I know is that I feel bad. No good feeling lasts for longer than a couple of hours, and that is just usually when I'm distracted with Jackie, or if I'm looking forward to something, but then I stop and think about it, and realize that it's only for now, and all the bad feelings will be back soon. "Though it feels good now, I know it's only for now."
But maybe that's just how things are. Anyway...I'm not leaving here, or the planet earth. I'm just unhappy and incredibly frustrated with myself for being this way. I hate feeling like this, and I hate the way I interact with my friends when I'm like this, but I feel like I can't help it anymore.