shnanna

I have a thousand thoughts that want to pour forward, forward out of my fingertips. It's impossible to consentrate on just one. I need to still my head and just contemplate everything. I wish I could write the way I used to, but I am glad that I still write. Anyways, you're probably not interested.
News:
- Went to Nanaimo for last night, was GREAT, amazingly, considering the circumstances. Eddie met me on the bus once we got to Ladysmith and came with me while I got my motel room and stuff. Then we went to the bar, I haven't been that nervous walking in that place since the first time I was there. I shook, I didn't know what to expect from anyone. The Duncanites were there, well, some of them. Serena definately was not the most excited person to see me, but that's not to say that she wasn't glad I came. She said so. Her mom and grandma were there, at the gay bar. They even danced, her mom dances like my mom. Just another reason they should meet.
Anyways, the present was well recieved and now that she has seen it I can tell you all. It's a Sid Dickens memory plate that has a crown and the word PRIDE on it. She had wanted it since the very day she saw it, they discontinued it long ago. I found it......She even asked how..."Never underestimate the power of love.."
Shallan took the time to properly introduce herself to me, which I find really quite funny, being that I've known who she is for almost two years, from when she lived in Vic. AND worked with her for a year...day in day out...Just odd really that I was always so scared to just say hey...I'm THE shanen...I'm sure she was probably dumbfounded when I walked in and made the connection as to the RMH person that talked to her sometimes in the smoke pit and was friends with Ryan.
Anyways, all went well, we all danced like maniacs. It was a good night. Jen danced more than Serena, she even now PULLS Tanya out to dance, a new Jen indeed. The one I've always wanted to meet... She left before I could really say goodbye. She's gone on Tuesday, probably for a long time....
I was sober enough to walk to my motel alone, I nearly started crying. The feeling I get in Nanaimo, of a life that I once had and crave so much. It's overwhelming to go back after so long and see those faces once again. It makes me so sad and so happy.
My home....The thing that I always thought Victoria would be for me..but here I feel unwelcome. The wind blows me inside.
I overslept, the room didn't have an alarm clock and the TV would only set to 3:30AM (which had long gone and past before I wanted to sleep) or 7am. So I said fuckit. My wake up call came half an hour after checkout, so I showered like a maniac and dropped off my key so fast that they wouldn't be able to say anything. Though I commented when the front desk guy called that ALARM CLOCKS in the rooms would be welcome. Oh well, that's what you get for $56. Oh and the room had a neat, cement, patio thing and a 'backyard' type thing overlooking the river. And FOUR LOCKS (handle, slide-bar, chair and some weird metal circle on a chain that was supposed to go over the doorhandle, but was much to big to do any good). I'm thinking 'this is Nanaimo, not New York.....Nanaimo's population is barely 72,000. Which doesn't even begin to rival Victoria's let alone a place like New York where you may actually WANT 4 locks.....oh well..
It was funny so I took a picture....it didn't turn out well..Actually not a lot of them did, some scenery, but the bar was too dark.
I sat in the mall food court and had coffee and a turkey sandwich and read. Then I wandered London Drugs and stalked Shallan for a while. Though unfortunately I lost her after London Drugs.....Went to my FAVORITE used book store and bought some good reads for $15. Two, a book on Taoist Wisdom, which I finished already and a book called The Lesbian Reader which was first published in 1975 I think. A bunch of good stories, poems and writings on lesbianism that were originally in the Amazon Quarterly magazine.
Then came the bus ride from HELL. Actually it wasn't bad at all, but a 2 hours busride that lingers on for well over three because the bus was already full when we left the depot and then there were more people at other stops as we left the city. Then we had to wait in Ladysmith for a taxi to deliver ONE person!!!!!!!! Who got on and was probably very scared at a bus-full of people angrily looking at him. I sat next to a woman who had a horrible hacking cough, which made reading hard. But I managed. Then in Duncan a LOT of people got off and got on the express bus that left Nanaimo AFTER us, but was in Duncan before us....I stayed on the original bus, mainly because I ALWAYS have the same two bus drivers, and I love them both dearly. And the one who wasn't driving my current bus had already gone home for the day, I saw him....really..
Anywho, got home in one piece and I'm been reading the second book since. Oddly though I don't seem to be that far into it.....
Serena is staying in Nanaimo until Monday, so she can see Jen before she goes. She's also getting Onyx (Jen's cat) as the carrier size requirements will NOT fit that beast of a cat for a 7 hour flight. She apologized so being so flighty lately, never calling. I said that I hurt, but I understand.
I don't know if I can go on with her yet. I need to find some sort of peace for myself. I thought I had found it already, but there is still so much turmoil boiling. Once Jen is gone and things have settled down we will need to have a talk....I'm not ready to throw her from my life. But I need to know that for now she can be with only me, and I'm not going to have to share her for another 7 months....

Ok, my banter is done.......(everyone shout hurray!)