I had tears of happiness well up in my eyes for the first time...well...in a really fucking long time.
I've realized tonight that some of my actions over the past two months have been utter stupidity and really I've brought a lot of the torment of the last few days upon myself. Unintentionally, so I am forgiven =)
But well, I can't really say more than I've spoken with three people tonight who have made the world a little more bearable for me. To say the absolute very least!
I feel the era of change upon me. I dabbled with thinking of what this change could be and what it entailed last night. I knew something was needed, but I am suprised at what happened to help me figure out what that was. Paddy and I had a good long talk about religion tonight, it was good. Now understand that I am not religious in any way other than that I choose to believe in what I want and refuse to let someone else 'change' me. Now I know that's not a far fetched idea, and I know it's been 'done' before. But It's just that I live by my own terms, mostly agnostic, some pagan and admittedly some communisic. I am also a bit of a Bhuddist.
Kelly and I chatted about my current situation in life, where I am, what I want to do with myself. My goals I guess you could say. He helped me realize that the things I want are not as far fetched as I once thought they were. I feel like I have gained some emotional independance tonight and whatever happens as a result happens. I also realize that I have been imposing myself on Serena lately. I have yet to come to understand why. But I think that I have just grown an overall dependance on her. I am working to find my own again. I can't believe though, that it has taken me over two months to, first get worse, and then get better. I guess a lot of my relationships have been like that, hit rock bottom, then there's no where else to go but up.
I have formed a sort of plan. It's within my abilities and I know that now. And in fact, had i distanced myself to begin with, all of the other plans would have been accomplished. But as I said to Kelly I guess my head just knew that they weren't the 'right' course of action.
I can't really say more than that. Not that I fear Serena reading this, she may do as she pleases. But I am not about to say anything over the internet. She takes things wrongly and I get frustrated with her anger and give up explaining myself. I guess it's just hard for two people who have always had the same intentions to come to terms with the fact that we have been forming our own set of goals over the past months.
Other not so emotional stuff:
-I am going job hunting tomorrow. Which means that I am getting up in approx. four and half hours, which also means I should have been sleeping for about 3 hours by now.
-The day no longer has enough hours to satisfy me.
-I am burnt to a crisp. I spent about 3 hours in the sun making various hemp cords for various reasons.
-I am pleased with myself..........no, this is big........
I've realized tonight that some of my actions over the past two months have been utter stupidity and really I've brought a lot of the torment of the last few days upon myself. Unintentionally, so I am forgiven =)
But well, I can't really say more than I've spoken with three people tonight who have made the world a little more bearable for me. To say the absolute very least!
I feel the era of change upon me. I dabbled with thinking of what this change could be and what it entailed last night. I knew something was needed, but I am suprised at what happened to help me figure out what that was. Paddy and I had a good long talk about religion tonight, it was good. Now understand that I am not religious in any way other than that I choose to believe in what I want and refuse to let someone else 'change' me. Now I know that's not a far fetched idea, and I know it's been 'done' before. But It's just that I live by my own terms, mostly agnostic, some pagan and admittedly some communisic. I am also a bit of a Bhuddist.
Kelly and I chatted about my current situation in life, where I am, what I want to do with myself. My goals I guess you could say. He helped me realize that the things I want are not as far fetched as I once thought they were. I feel like I have gained some emotional independance tonight and whatever happens as a result happens. I also realize that I have been imposing myself on Serena lately. I have yet to come to understand why. But I think that I have just grown an overall dependance on her. I am working to find my own again. I can't believe though, that it has taken me over two months to, first get worse, and then get better. I guess a lot of my relationships have been like that, hit rock bottom, then there's no where else to go but up.
I have formed a sort of plan. It's within my abilities and I know that now. And in fact, had i distanced myself to begin with, all of the other plans would have been accomplished. But as I said to Kelly I guess my head just knew that they weren't the 'right' course of action.
I can't really say more than that. Not that I fear Serena reading this, she may do as she pleases. But I am not about to say anything over the internet. She takes things wrongly and I get frustrated with her anger and give up explaining myself. I guess it's just hard for two people who have always had the same intentions to come to terms with the fact that we have been forming our own set of goals over the past months.
Other not so emotional stuff:
-I am going job hunting tomorrow. Which means that I am getting up in approx. four and half hours, which also means I should have been sleeping for about 3 hours by now.
-The day no longer has enough hours to satisfy me.
-I am burnt to a crisp. I spent about 3 hours in the sun making various hemp cords for various reasons.
-I am pleased with myself..........no, this is big........