shin

Well the other night I made my gf choose which she wanted a future with me or to be by herself and she choose to be by herself. Im not super depressed though I am pretty disappointed with her but ah well she wasnt the one after all. I wrote this last week in regards to what she has put me through so far:

Fighting the loosing battle is something I am becoming acclimated to. I often try to encourage myself with the notion that even when the inevitable takes place and things end the way I expect them to, that I went down fighting. Events have reached critical mass. Some battles I break through the lines winning a small victory for us Then the next battle begins where us becomes you and I, then I return to being your enemy instead of your ally. The victories are becoming mockingly painful, for a brief moment the clouds part and you become who you used to be. However just as soon as it seems there is hope the clouds return, the sky darkens and the battle begins again. Defiant I wade back into combat hoping for what small victory I can muster. Death comes in many forms in this fight for your heart. Attempts to right past wrongs are seen as false instead of their true intent. You are a most stubborn adversary your defeats come form your feelings for me however when you block out that part of yourself that loves me you become the cold machine of war that your gender is notorious for.

This battle is one of attrition; you have built your walls of distrust and apathy, walls so strong they often make me question whether I should give up. However love drives me It is often believed that love conquers all. If there is still love in your heart for me there is a chance I can win you over on the other hand if there is no love turning my rifle upon myself would be more productive. The fog of war surrounds me though uncertainty and confusion fueled by our unorthodox means of communicating. As one message conflicts with the next I wonder whos side you are truly on. I grow weary of this war, defeat looms in the distance. The most disheartening thing of all as I continue is that I can not determine whether or not you enjoy seeing me try so hard when you know what only failure awaits me. I can not see the outcome of the war for your heart, what I am certain of is any man who is not willing to fight and die for you does not deserve you.