shin

Las nnight or rather thing morning at 5 am I wrote this:

You wouldn't think it to look at me however there is a tremendous amount of inner turmoil that seethes beneath the surface. On the outside all one might catch upon first glance is a quiet inquisitive fellow that keeps to himself. If you thought that you are wrong there lies within a complex, calculating being with a strange code of arms in these strange days. The thought of an injustice toward the opposite sex causes a fire to ignite within ready to dash in and save the day. When I was young every person I met became a potential friend, another person whom I could share my happiness with and get to know however that changed, possibly a part of my childhood forever lost due to a combination of events. You see there once was a time when I would share anything with any one, without a second thought however that all changed it all changed as I began to learn of shame. When I reminisce about it now I realize that I was immature in my thoughts yet nevertheless that thought process has shaped me into what I am today. People always say that it is best to live life without regrets; I don't believe in that though I don't believe in regrets that is I have cultivated the idea that everything in this world in this life happens for a reason sometimes for reasons beyond my own grasp yet I accept it in whatever way I can. For some time I have harbored the idea that for me to claim my stake in happiness on this earth that I must find and retain love the one emotion that can make me whole. However when I think of that now I wonder if I am truly meant to have it. People strive for things all the time but I think sometimes the concept of "Am I meant to have it," becomes lost in the struggle to obtain it. Each relationship I have come upon I have worn my heart on my sleeve, begging those I came to care about to accept and return the same feelings to me. I always felt like the victim if things went awry. That each woman I was to fall in love with would take a piece of my heart with them when they left, absorbing the sweet life essence that filled it then casting it aside, a splinter of what once was whole. I felt that the pieces of my broken heart were beacons of all those weary travelers in the journey to love to heed that love comes at a price, and that soon I would become like them a cold being who's lust must be satiated by preying on the innocent. I am learning more and more in order to win it all you have to be willing to loose it all go in full with no secrets or misgivings. But alas I was young and foolish. I kept up the same routine upon every new relationship secrets. I have always heard the phrase: The truth will set you free if that is the truth then the consequence of hiding the truth must be imprisonment I sat upon my liars chair looking down upon my mishaps placing blame upon all that I felt betrayed me. In truth there was a dark goliath looming behind me my lies all entwined into a huge web filtering me from the world. That is where shame comes into play there are certain events in my life to which I placed blame upon myself, believing that any person who knew the complete truth about me would turn their head in disgust, entertaining the idea that this was he who had brought this upon himself. Soon all the blame was used up I could blame myself no more for what had conspired in the past. Now I began to pass bitter judgment upon those in my life I felt were adding to the fray of grave events. Including those I have had relationships with whether friends or more. However sometime ago I had an epiphany "bet it all," go all in but even that was done in the wrong fashion. In the process I harmed those who I would call friends because I did not give myself completely. Yet here I am in the now. My past haunts me begging me change course, not to commit the same mistakes. Then again are they really mistakes? I have recently come in contact with a person I have not spoken to in years and I see their life and what it has become in the absence of contact with me and it makes me think. Am I the reason their life is this way? Would things have been the same for this person if I had stayed in contact? Questions such as these change my entire perspective on past relationships. Everything happens for a reason If I am to draw a correlation between these events it leads me to believe that the lives I have touched and departed from, that in fact the absence of me has made their lives better. If I were to delve into the happenings of each person I once knew and called my friend or my companion I might possibly see that their lives are that much better without me. I look at the woman I am currently in love with and it makes me wonder Should I promptly take my leave from her life? Will she find real happiness in my absence? The answers I do not know However the conclusion that I am approaching leads me to believe that my purpose on this earth is to briefly come in contact with people whom I will come to care about and depart in order for them to live out happy lives However if that is my TRUE purpose Where does that leave me?

And now I am single...