shicawgo

I've spend the better part of this, the most beautiful day in the greater Chicagoland area, in the emergency room. I woke up in a ridiculous amount of pain. I feel like I've run a marathon and then someone beat the living shit outta me and then shot fire into my veins. And when I swallow it hurts so bad I actually started crying. How pathetic. I can barely walk. I totally don't get sick either so I was floored to just wake up so fucked up.

I got tons of tests for mono and strep and everything was negative so the ER Dr. was like "oh you might just have arthritis"....ARTHRITIS. Dude I'm 25 and how does someone get arthritis in their throat? riddle me that Dr.ER....So the nurse said it's either that or a virus...

I love my mom but I hate that she's a nurse. All my life when I've been hurt or sick people are like Oh well you're mom's sucha good nurse, I'm sure she'll take really good care of you. Lotsa TLC...blahblahblah...If I so much as sneexe she tells me not to come near her cuz she just can't afford to get sick. She's in intensive care and she see's people die everyday...people in horrible conditions and that's hard for her...but for her kids man, nothing that's wrong with us is ever immpressive enough for her to give a shit about.

"Mom I really don't feel good..."

"YOU don't feel good? You should've seen the young man in Bed 12 today...he has no legs...don't complain to me how you don't feel good..."

I've never had someone take care of me when I've been sick. But I'm at least glad that I can see what she does and how it makes me feel so I don't ever make anyone else feel like that...ever. She couldn't even emeber to stop at even a gasstation and just get me a couple advils...I think it hurtsmy feelings more to always be shooed by my mom than this virus or whatever could ever make me feel... I mean she's a good mom, but I wish just once she could be...like...a mom. Warm and comforting and say things like it'll be better soon...

I can't blame her though because her mom died when she was 16. I think that has a lot to do with how cold and unapproachable my mom can seem. To other people she's super cute and "so tiny!" and just the sweetest thing...everything's always about appearances with her. Laugh like it's funny, smile like you care, say Oh how WONDERFUL!....

People wonder why I instinctually and immediately pull away whenever I'm touched. I think it's cuz I'm so not used to it. Affection....we all have complications in our experience of life. I guess this is one of mine. I'm not complaining though...I am so lucky and blessed and totally glass is half full about my life. I'm just super introspective(?) cuz I'm sick...

FYI: I'm gonna need to fall in love this summer because I need to feel giddy about someone. I know the guy who hands out Streetwise in front of school would fall in love with me if I gave him a handfulla change and some bubblegum. And the retarded kid who bags groceries like no other- can you say double bag it! yay-uh!....On the real...I wish I knew a gay guy who was super sweet and liked to fuck women...I'm absolutely getting my bottom lip peirced again. I'm totally addicted. That's gonna be so hot I might have to fall in love with myself.

Okay, that's enough...I don't think I've ever typed this slowly. Sorry if I seem all complainy...I'm in a pretty good mood other than the pain and stuff....It could so be worse.