shesinparties

I have been really emotional lately, for lots of reasons. The first one is the fact that I have a great guy, and that is just so weird to me. I know I deserve this, everyone I know tells me the same, but it is just so rare for me. He and I have gone through some similar experiences, not all good, and that is why I think we have gotten so close. It is just so major for me to have someone in my life that I trust implicitly. I guess good things do come to those who wait, and I have waited a long time. The waiting is over. Every morning that I wake up next to him is perfect.

Another thing that really has me going is my dad. I talked to him today, and there was just something in his voice, something I can't really even pinpoint, but I know he is not going to be around much longer. He has been in poor health for a long time, and his lifestyle and addictions do not help matters. Since my (3rd) stepmother passed away a few years ago he has really given up. I really think she was the only woman he ever totally loved and treated well, and she was a damn fine woman. I miss her. He is dying for her.

Two things he said to me today really got to me. He mentioned he was selling his car, which is good, because he really does not need to be driving, but I know for him it is just one more bit of independence he is giving up. He is selling it to the lady who helps him around his house, he pays her with cartons of cigarettes. I asked him if he was going to get a new car, and he said there was no point in that. That bothered me for some reason. When we were about to hang up he told me twice, "I love you Shan, and I am proud of you". I asked him why he was proud of me, he never says that, and he said "I always have been, hell, you aren't knocked up or locked up". (That is about as sweet as he gets). So I hung up the phone, and just started crying. I was walking my dog at the time, and sat down on the curb and had a little meltdown while my dog wondered what the fuck was wrong. He scooted up to me and put a paw on my shoulder.

My dad and I have had a somewhat strained and at times volatile relationship for many years, but I have gotten to the point where I remember the good in him, rather than the shell of a man he is now. I know it will be hard on me when he passes away, but, as shitty as it sounds, it will be a relief in some ways. Forgive my callous words, I am just getting things out of my head, it had to go somewhere.