Ok, there is a girl I work with that I just have to tell you about. This may sound catty or bitchy, but it's fucking funny. At least to me. She transferred to my restaurant about 2 months ago from one of our other stores, and boy has she had an interesting life. Here, let me tell you some facts about her, straight from her mouth:
She is 26 or 28, she has told me both ages
Was raised by nannies in Europe and never spent any time with her parents
Was a European soccer star for years
All of the bones in her legs have been replaced with titanium rods, (weird, I have seen her in shorts, and no visible scars)
Survived cancer
Has irritable bowel syndrome, and has not shat in months
Has 4 college degrees, and never had a GPA of less than 4.0
Is building a 5,000 square foot house here
Was born a twin, but her twin died when she was 16, yet she has never shed a tear about this
Her father was a really badass CIA operative that had to fake his own death
Her mother was run over by a busload of Japanese tourists, survived, got millions of dollars in a settlement, which she squandered, but luckily she is CEO of a really hot business empire
Suffers from Celiac disease
Not to mention Restless Leg Syndrome
Throw in chronic pinkeye
Had 5 DUI's, but never served any jail time
Is diabetic
Dyslexic
Has two Dobermans, and was really nervous about moving them here, because, as we all know, no Doberman in history can be in a car for more than two hours.
Her next door neighbor where she came from was Sammy the Bull, you know, the big time Mafia guy, they were best friends
She is deathly afraid of ketchup, I saw her cry about if firsthand
Is all of a sudden a devout Catholic
Has pre-ordered a $70,000 Mercedes that doesn't even come out til late 2008, yes, us waitresses make THAT much money.
Has climbed Mt. Everest, alone...
AND, won't let a boy go down on her, because, as she says, "that is just nasty".
Seriously, one or two of these things might be true, but hell, all of them? She also drinks really shitty beer. Ew.
I think this song should be her personal credo.
Thank you Hank
She is 26 or 28, she has told me both ages
Was raised by nannies in Europe and never spent any time with her parents
Was a European soccer star for years
All of the bones in her legs have been replaced with titanium rods, (weird, I have seen her in shorts, and no visible scars)
Survived cancer
Has irritable bowel syndrome, and has not shat in months
Has 4 college degrees, and never had a GPA of less than 4.0
Is building a 5,000 square foot house here
Was born a twin, but her twin died when she was 16, yet she has never shed a tear about this
Her father was a really badass CIA operative that had to fake his own death
Her mother was run over by a busload of Japanese tourists, survived, got millions of dollars in a settlement, which she squandered, but luckily she is CEO of a really hot business empire
Suffers from Celiac disease
Not to mention Restless Leg Syndrome
Throw in chronic pinkeye
Had 5 DUI's, but never served any jail time
Is diabetic
Dyslexic
Has two Dobermans, and was really nervous about moving them here, because, as we all know, no Doberman in history can be in a car for more than two hours.
Her next door neighbor where she came from was Sammy the Bull, you know, the big time Mafia guy, they were best friends
She is deathly afraid of ketchup, I saw her cry about if firsthand
Is all of a sudden a devout Catholic
Has pre-ordered a $70,000 Mercedes that doesn't even come out til late 2008, yes, us waitresses make THAT much money.
Has climbed Mt. Everest, alone...
AND, won't let a boy go down on her, because, as she says, "that is just nasty".
Seriously, one or two of these things might be true, but hell, all of them? She also drinks really shitty beer. Ew.
I think this song should be her personal credo.
Thank you Hank
VIEW 23 of 23 COMMENTS
the_deacon:
hehe...she sounds like she belongs where I work....the psyche ward! I work with the guy that we joke...i call him the "veteran"...he was in the army, navy, air force, marines...don't know about the coast guard though....and his stories string on the same way...full of sheer shite to the point of nausea...i love those types. They allow us some game time for people watching and listening...touching up on our listening skills like some educational exercise to see what little literary (*lie) game we can catch them in next time. Use it like a game....
the_deacon:
Oh cool...sweet games of one upsmanship....nice! Make up extra certifications...extra degrees you can earn through college, etc...always have a email friend to verify the claims...like "I have a friend, Deacon Skrzypek who was working on his Masters in Business with a blah blah blah....and then they can email me for the bullshit. My cousin and I totally mess with certain people. Only those that truly deserve it!