The Foundation of a Healthy Relationship - Honesty!
"To be honest is to be real, genuine, authentic, and bona fide. To be dishonest is to be partly feigned, forged, fake, or fictitious. Honesty expresses both self-respect and respect for others. Dishonesty fully respects neither oneself nor others. Honesty imbues lives with openness, reliability, and candor; it expresses a disposition to live in the light. Dishonesty seeks shade, cover, or concealment. It is a disposition to live partly in the dark."
William J. Bennett, The Book of Virtues
Honesty and integrity are key ingredients in developing trust. Trust is a key element in establishing credibility. Our credibility is at the center of our ability to influence others.
There's lots of evidence to support the belief that "we are suffering from truth decay." Every day we hear about, or personally experience, broken promises, cheating, "shaving the truth," cutting corners, or failing to follow through.
Mark Twain declared that "truth is more of a stranger than fiction." He felt that many people regard truth as their most valuable possession and this explained why they were most economical in its use. He advised us to "always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."
Winston Churchill adds, "people occasionally stumble over the truth, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened."
Honesty and integrity is a given in most conversations. But some people seem to feel it's something you can slip on and off like clothing. They will speak of personal, professional, or business behaviors as if different suits of honesty are put on according to the situation. This shows "doing honesty" rather than being honest. It's no more than putting on an honest act. People quickly see through it and reduce us to our lowest level of honesty and integrity - our dirtiest clothes. Even more importantly - which is the real me? How can changeable honesty ring true to me?
Our true character is often revealed by fear and greed. In times of fear we often face great difficulty and disaster. Or we might have huge opportunities for financial, career, power, or other big gains. How we deal with both extremes when the stakes are high reveals our true selves. The choices we make during those intense moments of truth exposes the depth of our character. Do we "do our honesty and integrity thing" when its convenient or just when we think others are watching? Or are we an honest being who's eventually found out?
Parents will sometimes say, "don't let me catch you doing that again." This often leads to lively games of "catch me if you can." But honesty and integrity are developed from the inside out.
Abraham Lincoln explained it well in reflecting on his approach, "I do the best I know how, the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing it to the end. If the end brings me out all right, what is said against me will not amount to anything. If the end brings me out all wrong, ten angels swearing I was right would make no difference." Ringing true to me means going beyond just what I say or do. It involves listening to what my inner voice tells me about how I feel about what I've said or done.
One way to explore our inner level of true honesty and integrity is look at how much we trust others. Since we see the world as we are, any feelings that people are basically dishonest and can't be trusted may be revealing more about me than them. One of the hazards of lying is not just that people wouldn't believe us, it's also that we can't believe anyone else.
Building your moral base on trust and integrity will serve you well in all relationships - whether it be personal, familial, professional or a business one.
But let's talk personal relationships. You can work together to have a relationship based on friendship and trust.
Do you think spicing things up will make your relationship stronger? If so, I have news for you. Sometimes the first things we hear are not always the best answers...like "you have to spice it up" to keep it interesting. When actually being predictable is a better way to build trust in a relationship.
How to Build Trust in a Relationship -
Reliability
Reliability is the key to building your partners trust. Excitement is great, but predictability forges a better foundation in your relationship. Now, you don't want to be boring (yawn) but you do want your lover to feel safe with you...make sense? Surprise them occasionally with different activities, but always be reliable, and their love for you will grow, as you build trust in your relationship.
Don't hide your true feelings -
If you want your partner to feel safe with you make sure your body language matches your words. If you say one thing but your expression, or body language says another. You will be sending a mixed message, and they will lose trust in your words, and eventually you too. If you don't try to hide your true feelings from your partner, you'll build more trust in your relationship.
Respect is key -
You need to have actual respect for your partner...if you do not respect them, they will be able to sense this no matter how you talk or act (see tip2). Two people have to have mutual respect for each other in order for this relationship to survive. If your partner feels that you believe their a competent person you will be building a lot of trust in your relationship.
Keep no secrets -
This one is really a "no-brainer" but it needs to be said anyways. You don't want to keep any secrets (short of a surprise trip/gift) from your partner...OK? All the time and energy that goes into keeping a secret could be put to better use. After all when did a lie ever build trust in any kind of relationship? If you are afraid to tell your partner - then you've crossed the line.
Open communication -
Open communication is a big key in sustaining a meaningful relationship. If you have something to tell your partner let him/her know what it is. The longer you sit on a problem, the bigger it becomes. Pretty soon it's bigger than both of you and now you're screwed. Don't let lack (or fear) of communication weaken the foundation of trust in your relationship.
Don't be a push-over -
Stand your ground...don't be a push over. It's hard to respect someone (see tip 3) if they always bend and never stand up to their partner. He/she will think more of you if you stand your ground once in a while, and fight to be heard. Showing your strong character will actually build the foundation of trust in your relationship much faster, than being a "push over."
Be fearless -
Growth is essential to the survival of just about anything on this planet. Your relationship is no different. Don't be afraid to "get your hands dirty" once in a while. What I mean is do not be afraid to color outside of the lines to make your point. Sometimes you have to be willing to lose your partner by bringing up issues they don't want to (but need to) face. You will actually build their respect towards you while building the trust in your relationship as well.
A case in point.
I have a co-worker who, all of us at work, consider to be a 'dog" around women. He's currently in a relationship that he's not committed too. He shamelessly flirts with everyone that crosses his path He's always trying to arrange threesomes, swingers, photo sets, etc. (All of which fall through because truthfully, he's quite creepy).
He claims that he only keeps his current girlfriend for sex and for the financial support she brings to the table - as little as that may be. He jokes that it's like getting paid for sex. He says he's just too lazy right now to actively look for something else. Well it's been a few years now, and her biological clock is ticking, so she's been pressuring him to make a commitment. There's no peace in this household. But he's getting what he deserves. And the time that he's spent in this relationship is entirely squandered. Any worthwhile woman who knows him, won't have him, because they can observe how he relates in a relationship. So he gets sex and a very little money and at what cost? He's not happy, nor is he very bright.
I wonder what will happen when both of them hits forty and realizes that a great portion of their lives has been settling for a bad relationship. You might ask, why does she settle for this kind of relationship? She's not bright, spends most of her time on unemployment, and can't support herself. This community is small. We've heard tales of her past relationships and lies. In reality, they really do deserve each other. Here is a perfect example of a relationship that is built on a foundation of lies, lack of trust and lack of respect. A match made in HADES.
You can have all the commitment ceremonies you want. You can say that you are betrothed, committed or married "in your heart" - but as long as you are dishonest with your partner it is all for naught. You are just building your relationship on quicksand. There will be no foundation to your relationship and it will all crumble into nothing.
Life is too short to settle. Life is too short, to be anything but your best.
"To be honest is to be real, genuine, authentic, and bona fide. To be dishonest is to be partly feigned, forged, fake, or fictitious. Honesty expresses both self-respect and respect for others. Dishonesty fully respects neither oneself nor others. Honesty imbues lives with openness, reliability, and candor; it expresses a disposition to live in the light. Dishonesty seeks shade, cover, or concealment. It is a disposition to live partly in the dark."
William J. Bennett, The Book of Virtues
Honesty and integrity are key ingredients in developing trust. Trust is a key element in establishing credibility. Our credibility is at the center of our ability to influence others.
There's lots of evidence to support the belief that "we are suffering from truth decay." Every day we hear about, or personally experience, broken promises, cheating, "shaving the truth," cutting corners, or failing to follow through.
Mark Twain declared that "truth is more of a stranger than fiction." He felt that many people regard truth as their most valuable possession and this explained why they were most economical in its use. He advised us to "always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."
Winston Churchill adds, "people occasionally stumble over the truth, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened."
Honesty and integrity is a given in most conversations. But some people seem to feel it's something you can slip on and off like clothing. They will speak of personal, professional, or business behaviors as if different suits of honesty are put on according to the situation. This shows "doing honesty" rather than being honest. It's no more than putting on an honest act. People quickly see through it and reduce us to our lowest level of honesty and integrity - our dirtiest clothes. Even more importantly - which is the real me? How can changeable honesty ring true to me?
Our true character is often revealed by fear and greed. In times of fear we often face great difficulty and disaster. Or we might have huge opportunities for financial, career, power, or other big gains. How we deal with both extremes when the stakes are high reveals our true selves. The choices we make during those intense moments of truth exposes the depth of our character. Do we "do our honesty and integrity thing" when its convenient or just when we think others are watching? Or are we an honest being who's eventually found out?
Parents will sometimes say, "don't let me catch you doing that again." This often leads to lively games of "catch me if you can." But honesty and integrity are developed from the inside out.
Abraham Lincoln explained it well in reflecting on his approach, "I do the best I know how, the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing it to the end. If the end brings me out all right, what is said against me will not amount to anything. If the end brings me out all wrong, ten angels swearing I was right would make no difference." Ringing true to me means going beyond just what I say or do. It involves listening to what my inner voice tells me about how I feel about what I've said or done.
One way to explore our inner level of true honesty and integrity is look at how much we trust others. Since we see the world as we are, any feelings that people are basically dishonest and can't be trusted may be revealing more about me than them. One of the hazards of lying is not just that people wouldn't believe us, it's also that we can't believe anyone else.
Building your moral base on trust and integrity will serve you well in all relationships - whether it be personal, familial, professional or a business one.
But let's talk personal relationships. You can work together to have a relationship based on friendship and trust.
Do you think spicing things up will make your relationship stronger? If so, I have news for you. Sometimes the first things we hear are not always the best answers...like "you have to spice it up" to keep it interesting. When actually being predictable is a better way to build trust in a relationship.
How to Build Trust in a Relationship -
Reliability
Reliability is the key to building your partners trust. Excitement is great, but predictability forges a better foundation in your relationship. Now, you don't want to be boring (yawn) but you do want your lover to feel safe with you...make sense? Surprise them occasionally with different activities, but always be reliable, and their love for you will grow, as you build trust in your relationship.
Don't hide your true feelings -
If you want your partner to feel safe with you make sure your body language matches your words. If you say one thing but your expression, or body language says another. You will be sending a mixed message, and they will lose trust in your words, and eventually you too. If you don't try to hide your true feelings from your partner, you'll build more trust in your relationship.
Respect is key -
You need to have actual respect for your partner...if you do not respect them, they will be able to sense this no matter how you talk or act (see tip2). Two people have to have mutual respect for each other in order for this relationship to survive. If your partner feels that you believe their a competent person you will be building a lot of trust in your relationship.
Keep no secrets -
This one is really a "no-brainer" but it needs to be said anyways. You don't want to keep any secrets (short of a surprise trip/gift) from your partner...OK? All the time and energy that goes into keeping a secret could be put to better use. After all when did a lie ever build trust in any kind of relationship? If you are afraid to tell your partner - then you've crossed the line.
Open communication -
Open communication is a big key in sustaining a meaningful relationship. If you have something to tell your partner let him/her know what it is. The longer you sit on a problem, the bigger it becomes. Pretty soon it's bigger than both of you and now you're screwed. Don't let lack (or fear) of communication weaken the foundation of trust in your relationship.
Don't be a push-over -
Stand your ground...don't be a push over. It's hard to respect someone (see tip 3) if they always bend and never stand up to their partner. He/she will think more of you if you stand your ground once in a while, and fight to be heard. Showing your strong character will actually build the foundation of trust in your relationship much faster, than being a "push over."
Be fearless -
Growth is essential to the survival of just about anything on this planet. Your relationship is no different. Don't be afraid to "get your hands dirty" once in a while. What I mean is do not be afraid to color outside of the lines to make your point. Sometimes you have to be willing to lose your partner by bringing up issues they don't want to (but need to) face. You will actually build their respect towards you while building the trust in your relationship as well.
A case in point.
I have a co-worker who, all of us at work, consider to be a 'dog" around women. He's currently in a relationship that he's not committed too. He shamelessly flirts with everyone that crosses his path He's always trying to arrange threesomes, swingers, photo sets, etc. (All of which fall through because truthfully, he's quite creepy).
He claims that he only keeps his current girlfriend for sex and for the financial support she brings to the table - as little as that may be. He jokes that it's like getting paid for sex. He says he's just too lazy right now to actively look for something else. Well it's been a few years now, and her biological clock is ticking, so she's been pressuring him to make a commitment. There's no peace in this household. But he's getting what he deserves. And the time that he's spent in this relationship is entirely squandered. Any worthwhile woman who knows him, won't have him, because they can observe how he relates in a relationship. So he gets sex and a very little money and at what cost? He's not happy, nor is he very bright.
I wonder what will happen when both of them hits forty and realizes that a great portion of their lives has been settling for a bad relationship. You might ask, why does she settle for this kind of relationship? She's not bright, spends most of her time on unemployment, and can't support herself. This community is small. We've heard tales of her past relationships and lies. In reality, they really do deserve each other. Here is a perfect example of a relationship that is built on a foundation of lies, lack of trust and lack of respect. A match made in HADES.
You can have all the commitment ceremonies you want. You can say that you are betrothed, committed or married "in your heart" - but as long as you are dishonest with your partner it is all for naught. You are just building your relationship on quicksand. There will be no foundation to your relationship and it will all crumble into nothing.
Life is too short to settle. Life is too short, to be anything but your best.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
ninxy:
I am honest, respectful, reliable, I communicate, I keep no secrets, I am everything...except I am not fearless. I am a frightened infant who after sticking his hand into the blue oven flame, has come to cower and stutter on the edge of that kitchen floor. That is who I am. One too many fingers in the cookie jar, until nothing is left to offer. The only demon I face in a relationship is me. I run to the hills repeatedly. Oh yeah...Geeks do rule.
bettybruises:
Thanks! You too 
You're blogs are always such a pleasure to read 
You're blogs are always such a pleasure to read