shema

I just don't know what I'm going to do anymore, at this point....

It's already been two days since Gwendolyn died. I tried to have a quickie funeral for her, just to get done and over with. But I'm still unable to find the resolve or the courage to put her away, for good. I still just can't believe she's gone from my life now, and forever. How do you move forward when something like this happens, out of the clear blue? How do you find the strength to go on? I don't wanna believe that she's really out of my life. I keep thinking that I'll wake up today or the next day, and there she'll be. Alive and well. Waiting for me. But, the part of me that is realistic and logical knows that's simply not going to happen.

So you gotta learn how to let go. And the way I've always dealt with death is to forget about it as soon as humanly possible. I don't go to funerals, and I definitely don't visit graves. And I've never understood why people do that. Yeah its a respect/love thing and you want to be able to say one last goodbye to whomever. But is staring down at the decaying corpse of someone that just last week you were laughing with, crying with, even arguing with really the best way to remember them?

I've always believed that funerals should only be held for people that you don't like. What better way to send off a jackass that you never got along with than to point at his/her pale, cold face and get the last laugh before skipping out of the funeral home, middle fingers waving in the air. That's what funerals should really be about imho. Getting the last word...

But anyway, I know I'll get over all this eventually. It's just taken a little longer than I figured it would. Maybe it's gonna take me meeting someone new, before I can fully put her in the past, and move on with my life. But given my current situation, I doubt that's gonna happen for me anytime soon. So for now, I'll just have all the fond memories that we shared in the short time that we were together, to hold me over until that next special lady comes my way. If that'll ever happen for me again. Which I doubt. But it's good to have hope for this kind of thing, right?

I just hope that it doesn't take a much longer time to put this behind me as it already has. Gwendolyn was my everything. She was even my alternative to drugs and alcohol. And now that she's gone, and with the shit I have to put up with in my life right now, I'm probably gonna have to resort to drugs and alcohol just to deal with it all. For everyone's sake, I hope that doesn't become the case.

I wanna thank everyone who has mourned and shown support for me during this bereavement period. Cadavre, Siriuss, Suzika, EroticGeek, neptunefairy15. You've all been a tremendous comfort to me since I first mentioned Gwendolyn's death to you, last week. And I can't thank you enough for your thoughts and kind words, during this troubled time in my life. I won't forget it.

Now I'm gonna go try and relax and take my mind off this for a while. Be easy...