I just read a thread about someone trying to understand why a sex drive could be so low between a coupe to non-existent. Kind of set me thinking and it's not something I discuss with anyone but since :
1) No one will probably read this
2) Certainly no one I know will read this
Then I guess its as good a place to let loose some of that inner-darkness that runs around the mind from time to time. This is the first time I have ever written this down or even spoke of it fully so it's kind of disturbing and yet I cannot understand why I am even doing it because it is not going to change anything.
I've kind of thought people in the past had been lucky to be so sexually active since its not something I've done apart from with a couple of women who meant a lot to me, but I don't envy those sexually active people anymore so is that strange?
Four years ago now a disc in my lower spine prolapsed and left me barely able to even move for four weeks as the entire back spasmed, when the spasm freed itself I was left with a chronic condition that means literally every day I feel pain and discomfort. It is hard enough to even think through work let alone anything more pleasurable to the body. I went about as low as I thought I could go when that happened and now it is such a part of my life that I tend to see the world through a paradigm of things not being achievable anymore. I have even had a couple of offers that left little doubt as to their intention and turned them down for several reasons, the biggest one being pure and simple fear. Hard to describe fear of what though... failure to perform? more pain? fear of fear itself? I don't know and it's hard because I have spent so much time supressing such thoughts that it's almost frightening to even open that mental box.
But then it also has its silver lining because I now have more female friends (and yes friends) because I guess they feel it's not just an act to get intimate. I look at this site and the photo sets on it and see a beautiful woman, a great pose, good use of colour and not something of the "Oh damn would I love to screw the ass off that" (you know even writing that sentence seems uncomfortable/wrong).
But even that has its dangers because on two occasions now one of my friends has voiced the feeling that they would like to take things further, I just couldn't even face that thought and I ended up hurting them by refusing. One got really nasty and I actually lost a couple of friends from that which sucks but then I can understand how they felt having gone through that myself at a lot younger age. Why does everything good seem to have a dark shadow behind it?
Yes I would love a girlfriend, wife, kindred spirit but that is lonliness, and lonliness is definately different to being horny. But the hard thing is it is impossible to even talk about this with anyone because unless someone is in the same boat it is impossible to understand (as shown by that thread).
I'm fucked up big time and don't know what to do... hell I will probably even delete this later. I want it to end, I want to have a normal life but it's not going to happen so perhaps it's better that it stays locked away and this text is the only sign. I can't believe how upsetting it has been to even write this down... damn it this is wrong!!!
Okay just rambling now so that's enough... walk away and come back later and see if I can even read it anymore.
1) No one will probably read this
2) Certainly no one I know will read this
Then I guess its as good a place to let loose some of that inner-darkness that runs around the mind from time to time. This is the first time I have ever written this down or even spoke of it fully so it's kind of disturbing and yet I cannot understand why I am even doing it because it is not going to change anything.
I've kind of thought people in the past had been lucky to be so sexually active since its not something I've done apart from with a couple of women who meant a lot to me, but I don't envy those sexually active people anymore so is that strange?
Four years ago now a disc in my lower spine prolapsed and left me barely able to even move for four weeks as the entire back spasmed, when the spasm freed itself I was left with a chronic condition that means literally every day I feel pain and discomfort. It is hard enough to even think through work let alone anything more pleasurable to the body. I went about as low as I thought I could go when that happened and now it is such a part of my life that I tend to see the world through a paradigm of things not being achievable anymore. I have even had a couple of offers that left little doubt as to their intention and turned them down for several reasons, the biggest one being pure and simple fear. Hard to describe fear of what though... failure to perform? more pain? fear of fear itself? I don't know and it's hard because I have spent so much time supressing such thoughts that it's almost frightening to even open that mental box.
But then it also has its silver lining because I now have more female friends (and yes friends) because I guess they feel it's not just an act to get intimate. I look at this site and the photo sets on it and see a beautiful woman, a great pose, good use of colour and not something of the "Oh damn would I love to screw the ass off that" (you know even writing that sentence seems uncomfortable/wrong).
But even that has its dangers because on two occasions now one of my friends has voiced the feeling that they would like to take things further, I just couldn't even face that thought and I ended up hurting them by refusing. One got really nasty and I actually lost a couple of friends from that which sucks but then I can understand how they felt having gone through that myself at a lot younger age. Why does everything good seem to have a dark shadow behind it?
Yes I would love a girlfriend, wife, kindred spirit but that is lonliness, and lonliness is definately different to being horny. But the hard thing is it is impossible to even talk about this with anyone because unless someone is in the same boat it is impossible to understand (as shown by that thread).
I'm fucked up big time and don't know what to do... hell I will probably even delete this later. I want it to end, I want to have a normal life but it's not going to happen so perhaps it's better that it stays locked away and this text is the only sign. I can't believe how upsetting it has been to even write this down... damn it this is wrong!!!
Okay just rambling now so that's enough... walk away and come back later and see if I can even read it anymore.