Trevor looks like he's about to die. I can't watch it. When we spoke the other night, he hadn't eaten in like 3 days.. and not the woe is me, look at me, I'm so sad kind of not eating. You could actually look at him and know that he hadn't. He wieghs something like 158 and he's about 6 foot 3. His bones just press on the inside of his skin, and he looks like he hasn't smiled in days. I put funny slippers on and old depeche mode and dance around until he laughs. I make him dance with me and we laugh a lot. It feels good to see him smile, but I wish I could do more.
So I asked what he meant by all the information and pain/ confusion he showed the other night. I asked him to boil it down to something concrete that I could understand. We spoke of the good times, and spoke candidly about the mistakes we made and the bad things.. With wisdom almost. He told me that he "likes me again," which scares the hell out of me, confuses me, intruiges me, and makes me basically feel stranger than ever.
I wish the boy I was seeing now was a jerk or something almost, because then it would be easier to walk away and see what else is out there for me. It's obvious that I jumped into a new relationship too quick, but he's still a pretty darn great guy. I don't know how I feel about trevor, I don't even know if I like him back. I don't think I can know until I get to know him. I feel like this whole thing does deserve another shot, but I just don't know how on earth that can work.
In order for me to determine how I feel, I need to spend a little time with trevor.. not just time thinking and talking about the situation, not just time comforting eachother in this confusing time.. but like.. a date or two. I want to go see a movie, have dinner and a few drinks and just talk about life... not about this! I can't know how I feel until we can do this, and we both have boyfriend/girlfriend people that makes this situation impossible and wrong. The only thing I can think of is to take a step back in my current relationship, to make it less formal and provide room for other interests... But it's sooo unfair to him, all he's been is wonderful to me. And to have me, out of nowhere, ask him if we can take a step back because I'm feeling confused is so so unfair to him. I don't even know if trevor would be ready to do the same with his girl...
I don't know how to "Ease," into this situation at all. I am soooo confused. Now that I am forced to think about it, I am noticing all the small things about my current relationship that don't work. The long awkward silences with nothing to talk about etc. It seems like the only time we have a great time together is when we're about to go to sleep being snuggly, or when we're watching tv or a movie being snuggly etc. because then you can just be giggly and not have to have a real conversation. When we do have conversations it's pretty awkward and we never really agree, or I just can't interest him enough to get him to talk... It seems like we need to be doing something, like be at the bar, at a movie, or any other money spending activity for us to be amused. We can't just sit around and talk about nothing and keep eachother company.. it just doesn't work like that for us. I need someone who can understand that I want to talk about the beauty of insects or the smell of grass sometimes.. at length even... Not someone who will politely indulge me in this type of talk, but have no theories or fantastical input of their own. I also have no idea if trevor can talk like this with me.. because we can't spend any time together!
My significant other came home from vacation today and it was really great to see him, when I asked him about the trip he wasn't very excited to talk about it, nor did he have much to say. We watched tv and went to sleep. I'm supposed to go to a family thing with him today and meet his extended family, but I just don't think right now is a good time for that. I can't think of a very good excuse to get out of it without hurting his feelings either. I'm not scared to meet them or anything, I just don't know how much deeper i want to sink into this relationship right now... I just don't know. I couldn't even stay this morning, I said I needed to go home and shower, and now I'm sitting here...
I feel like I've done something wrong, I feel guilty/ it feels wrong when he hugs me.. I haven't done anything to feel guilty about, but perhaps it is just the ideas in my head that don't involve him that make me feel like I'm reaching my arms around him in a nice comforting hug, but then just stabbing him in the back.
I have changed so so much since trevor and I have been apart, would I be risking that positive change giving it another shot with him? Has he changed at all in any way that would make us be better together? Will the change that has happened in me make me see him in a different, more positive light? Can I use my change to help him without him dragging me down or weighing on me? Do I want to risk this entire new life I have built in order to give my very best friend a chance we both seem to want? I can't answer any of these without getting to know trevor again.. it seem absurd, since we've known eachother since we were children... but time changes things, people evolve.. How will we interact? I'm not willing to throw my new life away if we can't connect, but in order to spend the time needed to connect, I have to risk losing my new life anyways. AAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Nothing good is ever easy.
rant rant rant. I have nowhere else to do it sorry. No one ever has to read it, I just need to say it.
Trevor
Trevor again
ben and I
me and ben again
I wish I could just look at pictures like these and know the answer to my problem, but it's under a million more layers than I could ever imagine.
I have a huge box taped shut with a big X on it in my closet filled with pictures, trinkets, stuffed animals, and other wierd things from living with trevor and our relationship. I almost want to open it and ask the junk to give me a sign. Trevor told me he looked through old pictures the other day and almost couldn't take it. When he says things like this I don't know what to say. I mostly don't say anything, or I say "I'm sorry.." even though I'm sorry makes no sense as a response to that really. I touched his face when saying I'm sorry the other night and he closed his eyes like he really felt it.
God help me.
And then, after all of this, here I am. Because, in the end, I really am all I've got. I need to do what feels right for me, and only me, which seems like the most selfish thing ever... but really, I have to do what is best for me in the end.
Me.
So I asked what he meant by all the information and pain/ confusion he showed the other night. I asked him to boil it down to something concrete that I could understand. We spoke of the good times, and spoke candidly about the mistakes we made and the bad things.. With wisdom almost. He told me that he "likes me again," which scares the hell out of me, confuses me, intruiges me, and makes me basically feel stranger than ever.
I wish the boy I was seeing now was a jerk or something almost, because then it would be easier to walk away and see what else is out there for me. It's obvious that I jumped into a new relationship too quick, but he's still a pretty darn great guy. I don't know how I feel about trevor, I don't even know if I like him back. I don't think I can know until I get to know him. I feel like this whole thing does deserve another shot, but I just don't know how on earth that can work.
In order for me to determine how I feel, I need to spend a little time with trevor.. not just time thinking and talking about the situation, not just time comforting eachother in this confusing time.. but like.. a date or two. I want to go see a movie, have dinner and a few drinks and just talk about life... not about this! I can't know how I feel until we can do this, and we both have boyfriend/girlfriend people that makes this situation impossible and wrong. The only thing I can think of is to take a step back in my current relationship, to make it less formal and provide room for other interests... But it's sooo unfair to him, all he's been is wonderful to me. And to have me, out of nowhere, ask him if we can take a step back because I'm feeling confused is so so unfair to him. I don't even know if trevor would be ready to do the same with his girl...
I don't know how to "Ease," into this situation at all. I am soooo confused. Now that I am forced to think about it, I am noticing all the small things about my current relationship that don't work. The long awkward silences with nothing to talk about etc. It seems like the only time we have a great time together is when we're about to go to sleep being snuggly, or when we're watching tv or a movie being snuggly etc. because then you can just be giggly and not have to have a real conversation. When we do have conversations it's pretty awkward and we never really agree, or I just can't interest him enough to get him to talk... It seems like we need to be doing something, like be at the bar, at a movie, or any other money spending activity for us to be amused. We can't just sit around and talk about nothing and keep eachother company.. it just doesn't work like that for us. I need someone who can understand that I want to talk about the beauty of insects or the smell of grass sometimes.. at length even... Not someone who will politely indulge me in this type of talk, but have no theories or fantastical input of their own. I also have no idea if trevor can talk like this with me.. because we can't spend any time together!
My significant other came home from vacation today and it was really great to see him, when I asked him about the trip he wasn't very excited to talk about it, nor did he have much to say. We watched tv and went to sleep. I'm supposed to go to a family thing with him today and meet his extended family, but I just don't think right now is a good time for that. I can't think of a very good excuse to get out of it without hurting his feelings either. I'm not scared to meet them or anything, I just don't know how much deeper i want to sink into this relationship right now... I just don't know. I couldn't even stay this morning, I said I needed to go home and shower, and now I'm sitting here...
I feel like I've done something wrong, I feel guilty/ it feels wrong when he hugs me.. I haven't done anything to feel guilty about, but perhaps it is just the ideas in my head that don't involve him that make me feel like I'm reaching my arms around him in a nice comforting hug, but then just stabbing him in the back.
I have changed so so much since trevor and I have been apart, would I be risking that positive change giving it another shot with him? Has he changed at all in any way that would make us be better together? Will the change that has happened in me make me see him in a different, more positive light? Can I use my change to help him without him dragging me down or weighing on me? Do I want to risk this entire new life I have built in order to give my very best friend a chance we both seem to want? I can't answer any of these without getting to know trevor again.. it seem absurd, since we've known eachother since we were children... but time changes things, people evolve.. How will we interact? I'm not willing to throw my new life away if we can't connect, but in order to spend the time needed to connect, I have to risk losing my new life anyways. AAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Nothing good is ever easy.
rant rant rant. I have nowhere else to do it sorry. No one ever has to read it, I just need to say it.
Trevor
Trevor again
ben and I
me and ben again
I wish I could just look at pictures like these and know the answer to my problem, but it's under a million more layers than I could ever imagine.
I have a huge box taped shut with a big X on it in my closet filled with pictures, trinkets, stuffed animals, and other wierd things from living with trevor and our relationship. I almost want to open it and ask the junk to give me a sign. Trevor told me he looked through old pictures the other day and almost couldn't take it. When he says things like this I don't know what to say. I mostly don't say anything, or I say "I'm sorry.." even though I'm sorry makes no sense as a response to that really. I touched his face when saying I'm sorry the other night and he closed his eyes like he really felt it.
God help me.
And then, after all of this, here I am. Because, in the end, I really am all I've got. I need to do what feels right for me, and only me, which seems like the most selfish thing ever... but really, I have to do what is best for me in the end.
Me.
tuggy:
you never get comments? me either, haha.