shattered

I couldn't stay out of bed today, I was so tired and depressed. Sometime this afternoon I passed out and dreamt about (get this) going to visit someone, connecting with them and being close (like cuddling), and then the last day, before I left, being ignored and feeling lonely.

I woke up and on a hunch checked a forum I'm a member of, and sure enough there was my proof that he is getting messages from me and he is ignoring/avoiding me. Before I was telling myself that maybe he just isn't going on the instant messengers or maybe he's just not checking his email.

As much as I want things back to the way they were, I'm not asking for that. I doubt I'd get it if I asked for it. I just want my questions answered, a truthful explanation. I want this stupid "hey, I 'can't' talk to you anymore, but I'm gonna flaunt it around that I'm here and you don't matter" game to stop. If that game has to continue after I get my answers, fine. But I deserve to get my answers, and I don't deserve to have to jump through hoops and feel miserable waiting for them.

I don't deserve to have my closest friend, who has told me that he can't stand people playing games like this with him, play games with me.

I don't deserve to have the one person I trusted enough to open up to and say things I haven't told anyone else make me question that trust. Especially when almost everyone I do trust betrays that trust, causing me to hesitate to trust anyone, and he knows it.

This isn't even like him. But it's breaking me.