shattered

I couldn't stay out of bed today, I was so tired and depressed. Sometime this afternoon I passed out and dreamt about (get this) going to visit someone, connecting with them and being close (like cuddling), and then the last day, before I left, being ignored and feeling lonely.

I woke up and on a hunch checked a forum I'm a member of, and sure...
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TCF on 56th and Nicollet:

9:42pm
192 degrees

Not kidding.

Still sick with...whatever it is this time.

The smallest things are reminding me of him. It's been 2 1/2 weeks and I'm still staying up late at night hoping I won't cry myself to sleep. It's not every night, but...I haven't felt this insanely alone in the world in a long time.

It is so hard for me to trust people, to open up, to...
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I finally got out of bed at 3pm-ish to realize I was sick.

Suffering through a fever on my 21st birthday. Pretty messed up, and I don't know if it's a bad cold or the flu that's started going around.

Thank you to MR_rick, kiki_michelle, and Charlatan for leaving me happy birthday comments, and to kab2172 for emailing me a happy birthday.

I...
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You can take the girl out of the choir, but you can't take the choirgeek out of the girl. The Rent soundtrack is making me happy.


P.S. I demand cake. Cake and rum.


there's only us / there's only this / forget regret or life is yours to miss / no other road / no other way / no day but today

It's not like that. It never was and never will be.

And now you've probably lost him for good.


Harsh reality is sinking in. I hate it. The part of me I've been working so hard to shut up is getting louder, telling me to pull away, telling me to put the walls back up, telling me to feel...betrayed.

Opening up hurts. It's ugly and...
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I'm not noticing any chest pain now, and I'm even taking in deep breaths trying to be sure it's gone.

So yeah, gone.

I want to replace my Shuffle with a Nano. Getting close to running low on space already (I did get the gig) and my sister will take my Shuffle for $70 (she'll owe me the money). But justifying a $230 charge to...
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Emotionally: stable. Partially because I try to keep myself destracted.

Physically: if I go to the doctor one more time they're gonna call me a hypochondriac. But my coughing has moved out of the way for chest pain. Two days of chest pain. Especially when I breathe.

I was bored at work, so I hid in one of the stockrooms for a few minutes and...
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"This sucks" would be such a complete understatement.

So far my coping mechanisms are...okay. When things like this happen I revert back to suicidal thoughts, as much as I hate it (and admitting that's what I do makes me feel like some sort of attention whore/drama queen/loser), and I've already thought about my birthday a couple times this week (how sad is that, thinking about...
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I haven't been around in a little while; sorry about that.

Last week and a half I've been sick with...something. It was acting way too much like that bronchial pneumonia from senior year, so I went to the doctor (again, geez, I might as well go live there) when it wasn't getting better after a week of waiting. Anywho, I just finished day 3 of...
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