I keep breaking down every couple of days. I know what it is, it's depression. I just don't know how to rid myself of it.
I have this big green eyed monster riding my back right now. I'm jealous and envious of others because my life isn't what I wanted it to be and moreover I'm confused as to what I need it to be. The whole school thing is a huge bummer. I really wanted to go to film school. I was looking forward to it more than anything. It was a goal that I was striving for and working hard on. But the fact that they dicked me around and were unforgiving in their ways was hard to swallow. I know that it's better that I ended that before getting too deep, owing too much money, and not having a thing to show for it. I eventually want to own my own company and am hoping that this will push me in the right direction. I am just having a hard time finding the way to that company. More the funds. I could take out a personal loan and get me a camera, deck, another hard drive,tripod, and lightening equipment. It's a semi large investment, less than going to school (40,000) but the returns are just as if-y. I guess it's something that I knew going into it. I thought when I decided to take this major that I had the stamina and ambition. I doubt myself regularly now. Just like I doubt my talent and creativity. I am willing to sell myself cheaply to do weddings, birthday parties, and anything else that will get the loans paid and eventually a demo reel. Not to mention places around here would want a not so expensive commercial right?
Then I have my personal dicomforts... I explained to Wensly that I wasn't good for him.That there was something wrong with the way I left and that I could never love him as much as he loved me. He said that he was begging for a second chance and if I would just please give it to him he would never let me down. I told him I was the wrong person and he should never give ME as second chance. I told him that he and I can't be. I love Michael VERY VERY much. So much. But I'm super confused with everything. I feel like I am putting in all of this time to be with him. All of this effort, working through the slow but coming divorce. Having to wait for the freedom even though he owes her two more years. I get weird because I don't want this to affect me but it does. I get angry because I am emitional and scared that he's just leaning on me. I get upset that I want to and sometimes do let him know but it's fruitless at best. He hides things or better withholds things. I am in need of deep kisses and long hugs. I want to be cuddled often. I keep telling myself that I don't need flowers, but they would be nice. He said his friend found a girl and it was different because he could see himself really being with her. Michael NEVER says that about me. He's not passionate and it's frustrating. I feel like I'm a dumbass for wanting a life with him and I feel more dumb for wanting it so early. We are like a couple that have been together for years but without the ability to have full disclosure. I can't wish for a wedding or children because I feel it taboo........Even though I cry because I don't think that it will happen. I can expect him to want these things because he is still married to someone else.... Because he didn't tell his parents about me, instead waited until they almost came, because they probably will remain friends with his soon to be ex wife. I'm suppose to remain silent. I battle with this every day. That I may live in some else shadow and I don't know anything about her. He is so guarded about that relationship, and even though I know that it may have some heart breaking affects on him still today, I feel like I need to know. Not the specifics of what her favorite underwear were, just things that lead to their end. Why he came here? What made her so special? It eats at me.... Badly. I feel like I came all of this way and he doesn't acknowledge that I need full disclosure. And I still love him. That's the sick part.
I also cried because I want a baby. I know stupid right? Perhaps it's just hormonal but I want them. I don't want to have one with someone who doesn't want me. If I wanted that I will go get some frozen pop, which I may do one day.
I have one friend here, AManda. But she has a lot going on. It's not like Gen or Vernice. I can't just hang around Amanda all day. I can't spill my guts out. ... And I'm lonely.
Whew... Long post. I should go. Good night all.
***********************EDIT********************************
I thought while in the bathroom that all I did was Michael bash. If he didn't have the redeeming qualities like he is very loving when he wants to be, he makes love to me not just has sex, he's smart, witty, and deals with my insanity. I wouldn't stay if he was a complete asshole.
I have this big green eyed monster riding my back right now. I'm jealous and envious of others because my life isn't what I wanted it to be and moreover I'm confused as to what I need it to be. The whole school thing is a huge bummer. I really wanted to go to film school. I was looking forward to it more than anything. It was a goal that I was striving for and working hard on. But the fact that they dicked me around and were unforgiving in their ways was hard to swallow. I know that it's better that I ended that before getting too deep, owing too much money, and not having a thing to show for it. I eventually want to own my own company and am hoping that this will push me in the right direction. I am just having a hard time finding the way to that company. More the funds. I could take out a personal loan and get me a camera, deck, another hard drive,tripod, and lightening equipment. It's a semi large investment, less than going to school (40,000) but the returns are just as if-y. I guess it's something that I knew going into it. I thought when I decided to take this major that I had the stamina and ambition. I doubt myself regularly now. Just like I doubt my talent and creativity. I am willing to sell myself cheaply to do weddings, birthday parties, and anything else that will get the loans paid and eventually a demo reel. Not to mention places around here would want a not so expensive commercial right?
Then I have my personal dicomforts... I explained to Wensly that I wasn't good for him.That there was something wrong with the way I left and that I could never love him as much as he loved me. He said that he was begging for a second chance and if I would just please give it to him he would never let me down. I told him I was the wrong person and he should never give ME as second chance. I told him that he and I can't be. I love Michael VERY VERY much. So much. But I'm super confused with everything. I feel like I am putting in all of this time to be with him. All of this effort, working through the slow but coming divorce. Having to wait for the freedom even though he owes her two more years. I get weird because I don't want this to affect me but it does. I get angry because I am emitional and scared that he's just leaning on me. I get upset that I want to and sometimes do let him know but it's fruitless at best. He hides things or better withholds things. I am in need of deep kisses and long hugs. I want to be cuddled often. I keep telling myself that I don't need flowers, but they would be nice. He said his friend found a girl and it was different because he could see himself really being with her. Michael NEVER says that about me. He's not passionate and it's frustrating. I feel like I'm a dumbass for wanting a life with him and I feel more dumb for wanting it so early. We are like a couple that have been together for years but without the ability to have full disclosure. I can't wish for a wedding or children because I feel it taboo........Even though I cry because I don't think that it will happen. I can expect him to want these things because he is still married to someone else.... Because he didn't tell his parents about me, instead waited until they almost came, because they probably will remain friends with his soon to be ex wife. I'm suppose to remain silent. I battle with this every day. That I may live in some else shadow and I don't know anything about her. He is so guarded about that relationship, and even though I know that it may have some heart breaking affects on him still today, I feel like I need to know. Not the specifics of what her favorite underwear were, just things that lead to their end. Why he came here? What made her so special? It eats at me.... Badly. I feel like I came all of this way and he doesn't acknowledge that I need full disclosure. And I still love him. That's the sick part.
I also cried because I want a baby. I know stupid right? Perhaps it's just hormonal but I want them. I don't want to have one with someone who doesn't want me. If I wanted that I will go get some frozen pop, which I may do one day.
I have one friend here, AManda. But she has a lot going on. It's not like Gen or Vernice. I can't just hang around Amanda all day. I can't spill my guts out. ... And I'm lonely.
Whew... Long post. I should go. Good night all.
***********************EDIT********************************
I thought while in the bathroom that all I did was Michael bash. If he didn't have the redeeming qualities like he is very loving when he wants to be, he makes love to me not just has sex, he's smart, witty, and deals with my insanity. I wouldn't stay if he was a complete asshole.
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Because otherwise...you're just wasting your time.