...It's kind of like our running joke, but it's really not funny
So at work Michael emailed me. To tell me that his wife wanted to talk after, well it was more like. I have to go do this thing with you know who kind of stuff. I got a little tense because the last time he had to talk to her, he conveniently forgot about it until 2 days before. I know things happen and she doesn't know that I exist, which is mostly for her sake. Which meant she would have had to pick him up from work and drop him at our house. Which made me uncomfortable for many reason. One, I didn't know if he knew beforehand and forgot to tell me and I didn't want her to know the exact way to the house just incase things between them got worse and she may decide to come here. He didn't go, evidently they sorted things out on the phone. HE didn't let me know this. I'm tense because I don't know how I got myself into this. I don't know why I didn't tell my heart that it was being to selfish. Way to selfish. I didn't think to ask, How long will it take?, How much will it cost? and How can I stop taking it personally? It's hard for me. I didn't tell my mother the whole story because of some similar shit with my stepdad. I feel ashamed for letting my morals slip just a bit. I'm already uneasy and combative in relationships, this just takes the cake. He said he was sorry, quickly followed by, but i don't know what I did wrong... Which makes me devalue his apology.
We argued a bit afterwards. During my two mile walk. He still didn't get it. He doesn't understand that just having his mail sent to the place where we stay would make me happier, showing that his home is with me. He doesn't take interest really on how we are to find a new apartment, away from our roommate, and how and where? He thinks that him making me breakfast is romantic, he's already making himself breakfast and shit I must be the most romantic person, I make lunch and dinner.
He holds back affection. Which is the worst for me. He rolls his eyes subconciously when I touch him sometimes, yet swears his undying devotion. I keep thinking that things will get better. But I feel like I'm the only one wanting them to. I'm the only one willing to admit the flaws and try to move pass them.
Worse things worse, I feel so lonely. I've been hanging out with this girl Amanda from work, but she has a kid and a really hectic life. I can't talk to Gen often because things are busy there and my mom is always working or sleeping. I eat, live, and breathe this relationship which would be ok, if he was more affectionate.
It's really just the struggle, ultimate struggle, within oneself, my heart loves his intelligence, his smile, the fact that he uses strawberry no tears shampoo, his ambition, but my head hates that he doesn't pay attention to some minor details, that he doesn't communicate more effectively, and that I want him to initiate the sex. Make me feel like I'm numero uno. I'd like to come home one day, even though we are always together, him put on mood music, light candles and incense.... Make me diner and do nice things to me.
On a good note, my boss took me to lunch today to thank me for being so helpful.
So at work Michael emailed me. To tell me that his wife wanted to talk after, well it was more like. I have to go do this thing with you know who kind of stuff. I got a little tense because the last time he had to talk to her, he conveniently forgot about it until 2 days before. I know things happen and she doesn't know that I exist, which is mostly for her sake. Which meant she would have had to pick him up from work and drop him at our house. Which made me uncomfortable for many reason. One, I didn't know if he knew beforehand and forgot to tell me and I didn't want her to know the exact way to the house just incase things between them got worse and she may decide to come here. He didn't go, evidently they sorted things out on the phone. HE didn't let me know this. I'm tense because I don't know how I got myself into this. I don't know why I didn't tell my heart that it was being to selfish. Way to selfish. I didn't think to ask, How long will it take?, How much will it cost? and How can I stop taking it personally? It's hard for me. I didn't tell my mother the whole story because of some similar shit with my stepdad. I feel ashamed for letting my morals slip just a bit. I'm already uneasy and combative in relationships, this just takes the cake. He said he was sorry, quickly followed by, but i don't know what I did wrong... Which makes me devalue his apology.
We argued a bit afterwards. During my two mile walk. He still didn't get it. He doesn't understand that just having his mail sent to the place where we stay would make me happier, showing that his home is with me. He doesn't take interest really on how we are to find a new apartment, away from our roommate, and how and where? He thinks that him making me breakfast is romantic, he's already making himself breakfast and shit I must be the most romantic person, I make lunch and dinner.
He holds back affection. Which is the worst for me. He rolls his eyes subconciously when I touch him sometimes, yet swears his undying devotion. I keep thinking that things will get better. But I feel like I'm the only one wanting them to. I'm the only one willing to admit the flaws and try to move pass them.
Worse things worse, I feel so lonely. I've been hanging out with this girl Amanda from work, but she has a kid and a really hectic life. I can't talk to Gen often because things are busy there and my mom is always working or sleeping. I eat, live, and breathe this relationship which would be ok, if he was more affectionate.
It's really just the struggle, ultimate struggle, within oneself, my heart loves his intelligence, his smile, the fact that he uses strawberry no tears shampoo, his ambition, but my head hates that he doesn't pay attention to some minor details, that he doesn't communicate more effectively, and that I want him to initiate the sex. Make me feel like I'm numero uno. I'd like to come home one day, even though we are always together, him put on mood music, light candles and incense.... Make me diner and do nice things to me.
On a good note, my boss took me to lunch today to thank me for being so helpful.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
i like that...expecially the part about getting your OWN place, let the thing between him and his wife be completely over...i know its rough to just let it go...especially with strong feeling involved...but well, i sure wouldnt want to feel like i had to be sneaking around and feeling wrong about my life...feeling like i have to hide anything...