shaneka

It's 4:30 in the morning and I feel like an Ani Difranco song (sorry Gen). I don't know which one yet... Mostly FUCK YOU. I haven't decided who is the villian in this relationship, my current one, myself or W... Most times I think it is me because I'm the one that is so hard to get along with. But other times I get so angry at him for doing such retarded things that make me want to run. For instance pretending that my coming to Shreveport would be ok... Truly ok that he could handle the bills and was already handling them. But instead the first trip he was gone, my water was cut off and the phone was as well.. The phone.. er I don't care I always have my cell...But the water.. I've grown accustomed to taking showers and shits... Maybe just me...Lie number one... Number two, the second time the phone got cut off...I was told that he paid the bill but didn't know why... I work for a telephone company right now, a rural company mostly because it just serves the middle of nowhere USA.. But we serve some of louisiana... I'm not stupid you know.. If it's a tech issue it's resolved pretty darn quickly.. Monetary, we have to wait till the check clears Mr.. I don't pay the bill on time.. ERUGH...

Again money isn't the issue.. It's the lying. Lots of it.. I feel like I was cheated into coming here... Although I can take responsiblity for my actions of being a total cunt. Honestly.

We had an argument the other night about him not filling out the paperwork for the insurance. You know we've been robbed twice within a week and last time, they stole my laptop. So I'm using his cpu that craps out about every 30 minutes unless for some reason you aren't using it and are washing dishes and cleaning house.. Anyways. He asked me if I cared that his stuff was stolen and I said I do HOWEVER the only person standing between his stuff and getting it is him not filling the papers out and the only person standing between my laptop and me, is him.. So there's slightly a big different... Oxymoron at it's best... but anyways..

So here I am now.. 4:45 am... Awake.. Wensly got upset I guess because i was tired and wanted to go to bed. I rolled over about 45 minutes ago and realized that I was alone. NOt sure what to make of it... Should I be happy. I think that a lot of my problem is that I don't want this to end on a sour note. But most things do in a relationship. Though I don't take pride in it. I think that even though I will be the one to end it ... I don't want to see him with anyone else. Mostly because I feel like I'd have lost my chance. He's a really sweet and special person. I guess that right now he's not enough for me... Not that any person could be what make me absolutely happy, honestly would be internal and that doesn't always work for me considering I'm my own worse critic...

My emotion.... teeder totters from empty to helpless...




A LETTER I SENT LAST NIGHT TO MICHAEL

Right now I feel like I'm manic depressive. Not in the clinical
sense... Mostly just the way things are happening. When I am with you I'm
really excitable and happy. Bubbling over sometimes to the point of being
this goofy child I think. A little bit, at small intervals I become
contemplative, but mostly I'm just really happy. At home lately, it's a
different story. I know that part of it is what I am making of it. But
you know what I'm a bad liar. I don't play games very well, in the sense
I can't just pretend to be with someone because they fill my bed and
not my heart. I'm rude and insensitive at times.. Easily angered because
of my discomfort and a bit from disdain. I feel like I should be
shaking him sometimes... Then I have my little bits of happines with him.
That little bit of glimmer from the relationship I once had with him.
Sometimes it's so small I feel guilty for even having hope that I can
salvage a friendship from this. Even though he says I can.
>
> You know the sooner I can leave here the better. I'm so not good at
this. I know, that it's going to happen. I know that there isn't a way
to push things faster along...But all of the reasoning doesn't help my
thoughts.
>
> So it's like I'm underwater. Feeling a little like I can't maintain
the weightlessness that water provides when you are on top. I want to be
somewhere in the middle but I don't have a swim bladder and I can't
hold my breath long enough. Sounds are muffled and the water displaces
images just slightly. And I'm scared, even though safety is provided in a
pool, I think that there is possibly a way for a shark to come and
gobble me up. (