2004-10-27 - 9:32 p.m.
I am not certain how am I suppose to want to be with someone who doesn't want to trust me. At least enough to let me help them. I called home today to tell wensly about the meat on the stove and to wash the dishes. However, the phone was shut off. Which is how many times in the last couple of months. And maybe it's just the new job, but I know that there has to be a build up before you can have your phone cut off. Evidently it did. He told me that he doesn't know why it was turned off but he had already paid the bill. He has the receipt to prove it. But I feel that I know better.
I have been trying to tell myself that things will be ok. That quite possibly I should just bite the bullet and get married. This is far from the truth. I feel very much that this relationship is not stable. Not that it's not loving but it's not really working. I think there is a lot of mistrust happening and a lot of pride that has yet to be swallowed. I love him and there's no other word to describe the way things are. I can't break away at this point because of this.
I'm watching A&E and there is a story about Rod Stewart. I'm having trouble watching it and concentrating on writing this. Also I'm having trouble getting my mind off of Michael. For many weeks now we have been talking, first every night in person for about 2 to 3 weeks and now we spend time talking on the phone and chatting online. Some of it is just pleasantries but most we are talking about my going to school and he being there. For me and just because. He's trying to come back to Shreveport one month at a time. Which is neat because I get to know him. I've been very guarded with my emotions because he is married and I don't want to just become a mistress to anyone. So if it is just meant for us to be good friends and possibly own a business together than that is cool. We have been talking about starting a porn business, trying to find the angle first and also maybe possibly starting a website. The website would hopefully pay for the porn.
I am not certain how am I suppose to want to be with someone who doesn't want to trust me. At least enough to let me help them. I called home today to tell wensly about the meat on the stove and to wash the dishes. However, the phone was shut off. Which is how many times in the last couple of months. And maybe it's just the new job, but I know that there has to be a build up before you can have your phone cut off. Evidently it did. He told me that he doesn't know why it was turned off but he had already paid the bill. He has the receipt to prove it. But I feel that I know better.
I have been trying to tell myself that things will be ok. That quite possibly I should just bite the bullet and get married. This is far from the truth. I feel very much that this relationship is not stable. Not that it's not loving but it's not really working. I think there is a lot of mistrust happening and a lot of pride that has yet to be swallowed. I love him and there's no other word to describe the way things are. I can't break away at this point because of this.
I'm watching A&E and there is a story about Rod Stewart. I'm having trouble watching it and concentrating on writing this. Also I'm having trouble getting my mind off of Michael. For many weeks now we have been talking, first every night in person for about 2 to 3 weeks and now we spend time talking on the phone and chatting online. Some of it is just pleasantries but most we are talking about my going to school and he being there. For me and just because. He's trying to come back to Shreveport one month at a time. Which is neat because I get to know him. I've been very guarded with my emotions because he is married and I don't want to just become a mistress to anyone. So if it is just meant for us to be good friends and possibly own a business together than that is cool. We have been talking about starting a porn business, trying to find the angle first and also maybe possibly starting a website. The website would hopefully pay for the porn.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
my mouth feels all furry...