shando

http://www.blackgoku.com/anime/berserk/mp3s/gatsu.mp3

Please go there. It will be of more use to you than reading one of my stupid blogs. Open it up in a new window and listen while you read this if it isn't too much to ask... because i have it on repeat on my itunes. Maybe it would help you understand me a bit more.... maybe not. I haven't been on SG for over a month. I haven't been any where outside of my fantasies and my inner workings for over a month. It is the easy way out for a tormented person, to hide away and avoid all pressure and stimulation. But I have been living as if dead. Is that living... when there is millions of worlds outside of my apartment logic tells me it is only right to get caught up in them. But my soul has been in the protective fetal position crying out in a world of silence telling me that there isn't much the outside world has to offer to satisfy me anyway. I opened my window today. It did make me feel alive, it made me want to be a part of the wind at least, and float over and through and between everything as an unknown, unobtrusive substance, free from everything except which direction to go.
I may not graduate now... i have missed more than a month of school. I somehow don't care anymore. The only thing I would regret is not having a source of income to pay for the internet. That is my contact with the outside world, the thread that makes me fit the definition of what an average human should be, because it is my one form of seeking things outside of my own heart and mind... hell I haven't even cared to read anymore. Reading was my obsession, because I wanted to know everything i could know.
It's been a dark place here... yet peaceful. But now that i am here i never want to reintroduce myself to life. I am free but very trapped. I guess I have been a coward, taking the easy way out and hiding from anything that brings me pain. After going through torment every day brought on by a brain that i cannot prevent from overworking itself and a soul that has been twisted and turned and wrenched and blackened every day of my life, even from simple things such as walking down the street due to multiple mental illnesses that crush any chance of ever feeling free, i guess it was like lifting all of that crushing weight to be able to avoid it all.... live as a lifeless robot who didn't really have any thoughts at all and absorbed the silence around me. there was no activity around me to incite pain or panic or feelings of inadequacy or self loathing.... it was just silence. It was an easy escape.
But now what? This world.... is built for money, these days. I seek happiness and freedom, satisfaction... there is not much availible that can bring me that. I have to work for money to be able to enjoy many things that the world has to offer for pleasure, and there isn't much availible that I can find true joy in, and feel like a good person doing. I don't want to do anything to contrbute to tasteless values, materialism, superficiality, or that just holds society down. We are capable of so much yet we are constrained and held back... and kept from enlightenment and knowledge by greedy, greedy people who only live to convince us that we need certain things and need to expose ourselves to certain tings only, all for their own profit. Masterminds that are dirven by money who know exactly how to brianwash people and drive their desires and trains of thought.
I wanted to be an author... or a journalist, or even a campaign designer and promoter for activist causes, or an artist, photographer, musician/composer, anything to contribute something beautiful to the world. But the world gets in my way.... then I get in my way.
But I am rising again, maybe to that place where I can at least dream, that always kept me above the brink of sinking down into darkness. It may be naiive and it may be immature,but my stupid dreams and ideals and hopes are always what kept me from seeing everything around me as something ugly and hopeless, including other people. When I had hopes, everything was beautiful, or at least everything had hidden potential. that's good enough for me. When it seemed like there was no way, i told myself i would make my own way. I never let myself believe that i could not succeed or find happiness in this world. I would find a way to be successful, if it meant fighting, if it meant working night and day, if it meant struggle, I would achieve my goal. I need to get back to that place of foolish schoolgirl hope. It was the only thing i had. Now... I have nothing.
I hd too many enemies in my way all of my life, and they never go away. They haunt me everywhere, telling me I cannot succeed, that there is nothing that i am good for. Those voices of the past echo still..... through the years. I am not trying to look behind me... but still when i look ahead, i can hear them. I don't want to fulfill their prophesies though... I just have lost the will to fight.