shamelessly

everyone in my life, seems to need me to vent, needs me for support, needs me for a sounding board, needs me for sex, needs me to be something for them...

and then i stand here. All fucking alone. And its like where are these people that i have given every piece of me too to help them stay strong, stay proud, stay alive..?

everywhere i look people have best friends, have people they have trust, have family that is somewhat useful, they've got someone they can cry too, someone they can talk too about anything, that they can talk about their deepest shit.. and there is no judgement.

my life involves this one thing.

i ask you to spend some time with me, so i dont feel alone. And you are too busy putting yourself back in a situation youve been crying about for months.

i ask you to sit and listen to why im feeling angry at you, and why i feel hurt, and you tell me you dont have the time. Or you look at me with that blank bored face and nod until its over.

or you scream, and cry, and talk my ear off, and i hear you, i support you, i tell you what you need to hear, and i tell you what i think, and i make sure you are ok....and to end the conversation you give this vague well i will return the favor... but it feels like this empty promise you gave because you felt you had to.

i feel so used up. i feel so tired. i feel like i have no outlet.

i have always been emotional. i have always felt neglected and unloved. time and time again its been proven. and i fight to keep in mind that these people are unhealthy for me, and void of concern due to the lack of things they have been provided in their life. I try to remember that i am not the only one with problems and that expecting things from people is always a bad thing. i try to forgive because sometimes i think i am being to harsh in my anger. i try to push out this negativity, and remember the good. but its so hard when im always crying alone. when im always the one people turn too, and i have less and less to give back. i keep hoping that one day i will have this emotional breakdown, which will take weeks to recover from, and that when i exit it, i will have this renewed strength.

Ive had three years clean of everything bigger then pot. I cant find a reason to go back to that place in my life. All i can remember is that when i was high. Even if i wasnt happy, i was untouchable. Your words, your thoughts, your actions, your bullshit, the reality of life, the truth of everything never made it to the surface. That the dark emptyness never existed at that time in my life. I have no need to return to drugs, but sometimes i wonder if i can ever have peace, ever have some more sanity. I honestly dont know whats its like to be happy without something bigger causing it.

Im also tired, of when people ask me how i am doing that i feel i have to lie. No one really wants to know. Its like we are all zombies filled with this protocal of whats correct and necessary for human conversation.

Maybe i am depressed. Maybe i am just really that alone. Maybe i have built up some really good walls. Maybe i am just that different that no one understands. Maybe the world is just that fucked that it is no longer to carry my values on friendship. Maybe my life is only to made up of sleeping, work, sex and casual conversation that holds nothing real in it. Maybe a lot of things.

I am tired. *shrugs*

I feel like a stranger in my home. I move too often because i keep thinking ill find home, or roots elsewhere. I am broke due to all my moves. My debt fills me with grief. And the fact that i am stuck in this shit hole is making me crazy.