If there's anyone actually reading this mind-dump...this is a long one! A lot has happened since I last wrote...
It's a new year...does it really matter? I'm going to be the same old push-over I already am...unless I can actually accomplish this act of changing into my authentic self! Of course that means I need to define who my authentic self is...& that's so much work! I know...if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.
So while I was dreading my father-in-laws visit, I think we experienced a huge turning point. One that will hopefully help me become that authentic person that's burried so deep! This visit will count as one of 2004's defining moments.
You see, my husband says I'm a control freak..I told him he's not allowed to have an opinion! But really...while his dad was here, they decided they'd build a walkway in our backyard and create an enclosure for our dogs (among another dozen or so chores that my husband can't seem to do w/out his dad). Decisions were made, I was later told what we were going to do...forgive me for wanting to know where my money's going (b/c I make a bit more than the spouse and am partial to knowing where it's spent). So the husband and I got into a rip-roaring fight, I was crying, his dad was trying to calm us down, my husband called me names...good times!! My husband finally went upstairs to hide and his dad asked if he could talk to me for a minute. Here's the funny part, he asked me not to be emotional! You'd think after being w/his son for 6 years he'd know that was an impossible request! So after a very candid discussion, he took my hand and with tears in his eyes asked me not to bring a child into this world yet. Yes folks...there's the million dollar problem! We'd been trying to concieve and a month ago were quite gungho about it, but as my stress level increased, the holidays came upon me and school intensified, I decided I wasn't ready for that life-altering change yet. When I told my husband he got very upset with me. Moreso at my drastic change in decision, but now he's afraid of waiting too long. You see, he's 39...I'm 30. But I can't have a child for the wrong reasons...and right now that's all I've got.
So we're starting this new year off w/a bang! I figure this year will make or break us! If I can stay in school, get back on the pill (b/c now I'm absolutely paranoid of getting pregnant!), continue my progress at work (and get my attention in the right place), then I should be able to keep my sanity in tact. We'll see. I think a lot of that will depend on his personal goals, such as losing the extra 50lbs he's put on, starting the rehab on his back again (how's he supposed to carry a child around, or rough-house when they're old enough, when he can't even lift a 20lb box?!) and finally, learning not to spend all his free time in front of the television watching sports! At least I finally have an ally in his dad...he got a very good look at my reality!
And they were just about ready to lock me up...
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It's a new year...does it really matter? I'm going to be the same old push-over I already am...unless I can actually accomplish this act of changing into my authentic self! Of course that means I need to define who my authentic self is...& that's so much work! I know...if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.
So while I was dreading my father-in-laws visit, I think we experienced a huge turning point. One that will hopefully help me become that authentic person that's burried so deep! This visit will count as one of 2004's defining moments.
You see, my husband says I'm a control freak..I told him he's not allowed to have an opinion! But really...while his dad was here, they decided they'd build a walkway in our backyard and create an enclosure for our dogs (among another dozen or so chores that my husband can't seem to do w/out his dad). Decisions were made, I was later told what we were going to do...forgive me for wanting to know where my money's going (b/c I make a bit more than the spouse and am partial to knowing where it's spent). So the husband and I got into a rip-roaring fight, I was crying, his dad was trying to calm us down, my husband called me names...good times!! My husband finally went upstairs to hide and his dad asked if he could talk to me for a minute. Here's the funny part, he asked me not to be emotional! You'd think after being w/his son for 6 years he'd know that was an impossible request! So after a very candid discussion, he took my hand and with tears in his eyes asked me not to bring a child into this world yet. Yes folks...there's the million dollar problem! We'd been trying to concieve and a month ago were quite gungho about it, but as my stress level increased, the holidays came upon me and school intensified, I decided I wasn't ready for that life-altering change yet. When I told my husband he got very upset with me. Moreso at my drastic change in decision, but now he's afraid of waiting too long. You see, he's 39...I'm 30. But I can't have a child for the wrong reasons...and right now that's all I've got.
So we're starting this new year off w/a bang! I figure this year will make or break us! If I can stay in school, get back on the pill (b/c now I'm absolutely paranoid of getting pregnant!), continue my progress at work (and get my attention in the right place), then I should be able to keep my sanity in tact. We'll see. I think a lot of that will depend on his personal goals, such as losing the extra 50lbs he's put on, starting the rehab on his back again (how's he supposed to carry a child around, or rough-house when they're old enough, when he can't even lift a 20lb box?!) and finally, learning not to spend all his free time in front of the television watching sports! At least I finally have an ally in his dad...he got a very good look at my reality!
And they were just about ready to lock me up...
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
and i always know where my money is waste..er,going!
don't you wish you were me?