sgdevotee

3 times lucky?

I think not.

She came to visit. It was the first time I had seen her in 4 years. We stumbled across one another again through a mutual friend. The phonecalls were weekly; vibrant, alive, connected... We had both reached a point in our lives where we truly began valuing the core of relationships and friendship. She had said things so aligned with my own thoughts that I almost dropped the phone - many a time.

Months ago she planned this trip. I was afraid of coming across overly forward and imposing so I kept my cool. Plus, with this business being so stressful lately, I saw this visit as a pillar of sincerity and truth. A certainty that I could hold onto in this time in my life that is full of ambiguity. I left it alone all the while allowing myself to realize my true feelings about her. Building up to an intensity that could not be bottled up any more.

Then the phone call days before her arrival grew awkward when I learned there was a date in the room. She and I had always been totally forthright and honest in regard to our relationships so this was not out of place but it shot through my heart like a rusty blade.

I still wanted to see this person as she is one of my closest friends and has been for over a decade. I also knew though, that I could not supress these feelings for the entire trip even though I wanted to be respectful of her relationship and the man she was seeing.

So, one night after many sakes and a solid evening out with some mutual friends I had to explain to her the reason behind any distance, uneasiness or reservation I may have been expressing. How her statements on the phone were so in tune with my own life philosophies that it almost frightened me. How I adored her and knew that she was in a situation that did not want to get in the way of but it was only fair to myself to release the bittersweet pain in my core that was my everpresent flame for her.

This wasn't the first time... there was the time in our early twenties when we kissed intensely and she left my house saying we could not continue. Then there was the time years later when I told her I truly loved her and she said there was love for me too. It was so natural - as if assumed but then disempowered by the assumption. This time was more like the latter where she assured me that the feeling was mutual and the love would always be there even if the opportunity was not. She said that every time I tried she was with someone. She also said that when we first connected on the phone her crush on me had grown again and then my cooling off made her confused and she was not certain of my interest in her visiting. There is where my inhibitions, over-protective politeness and a-social behaviour shot me in the foot - again.

I cannot project my feelings onto another.

I cannot force an expectation on someone who is living their own life.

I saw this trip as a way to determine whether I was building a fantasy in my head or if there was this true connection that I thought I'd had. I put myself in a vulnerable position yet again, knowing full well that nothing could become of it other than getting it off my chest. I then spent the next three days beating myself up, feeling like a dumbass. a weakling. somehow slighted yet again.

This is the only woman I have ever actively pursued... ever. they always come to me... which results in some pretty crappy relationships.

I just dropped her off at the airport.

I feel stupid... and exposed... empty.

3 strikes. I'm out.

fuck honesty... time to get back to work.