I keep doing the same thing over and over and over and over again. Lately I have begto wonder what my motivations are for changing my bad habits. The only positive thing that I got going for me is my English lessons. So, this is what makes this even more frustrating because I had intentions of not stopping gambling or smoking or eating shit, but I had intentions of buying a couple of things which would be beneficial for my students and be even more beneficial for me getting new students. So, I will have another few weeks to think about it again and see if maybe this next time when I get paid I will be more responsible. As far as other motivating factor to go, there are none for me to stop doing what I’m doing. I have a rent free home to live in, I don’t really paying bills except for the telephones, and there are usually food to eat. I have absolutely no desire in bettering myself or at least what other people theoretically think is better for myself such as finding a woman or getting married or having kids.
So I’m only thinking about what my therapist reaction is going to be. I am extremely scared to even mention these things that I did because I’m afraid she will stop seeing me. This happened before. I was seeing therapist therapist and after about a year and a half she got to the point where she said I can’t help you anymore. No I don’t know how ethical of this for therapist to say they can’t help their patients, but I definitely understood why she was saying the things. This was during a time where I didn’t have as much knowledge about my disease or about my past, so maybe there is some legitimacy to me being told by my therapist I can’t help you. However now, there is a lot of knowledge about things and so me continuing to do the things that I’m doing is absolutely counterproductive and dangerous. I have an enormous amount of respect and love for my therapist and I think she is definitely one of the best at doing her job. I hope that I can continue to think of this when I have the urge to do something that I shouldn’t be doing. We definitely come along way together but there still remains and enormous amount of work to be done.
this is where my future comes into play. My whole thought process right now is I can’t stop smoking or gambling, but the only weapon that I’m going to use against these two things is to find new students for English. Now, if I can put these two issues to the side for a moment, I would like to bring up another reason or maybe several reasons why I need to get new students. A few months back my boss was about to give birth to her child and she assigned me a bunch of hours with students. Coronavirus came along and everything was in lockdown. I continued to do work online which was absolutely awesome because basically what I do with the kids is talk and on the Internet it’s the same thing you just talk. Now I had more responsibilities because there were more things to do with the students than just simply talk, I realized that when I have an organized plan to follow I did my job much better. So there’s one thing for the future, always make a plan in paper and use the plan. Now, before the lockdown I was basically going to this place every Thursday. A couple of weeks into January she informed me that she would no longer pay for my taxi cab rides. I couldn’t understand why, and also I was extremely upset. However, I have had well I shouldn’t say I have had, I have seen with my eyes numerous times where people I know are pregnant and then they had miscarriages. I cannot think of the worst thing in the world other than child abuse that can happen to a human being. I’m not getting into any abortion issues or at least not intentionally, But I think that when someone is pregnant anything they say or anything they want goes. No questions asked. Therefore I do not want to argue with her over a matter of €10 so I agreed and said some bullshit things to her to make sure that the situation did not appear to be hot. However I was still livid. Then lock down hit, And I begin to do all of these sessions online. I noticed from the getgo that some of these students aren’t where they should be and didn’t belong in the higher level classes. you see what happens here is a lot of the students either aren’t focused, don’t give a fuck, or simply don’t have the ability to learn second language. However, you can’t just go to a parent and say your child is a fucking retard here’s your money back and good luck in the future. No, you have to lie to them. You have to say things like oh she or he is such a good student, because you know that if the child is not that good in English, they still have a chance to get a proficiency certificate because the system is all about money. Perhaps this includes all of the world, where education levels keep slipping, although I’ll tell you what, people in the Netherlands can speak English better than people in the United States or Britain. Actually I noticed that most Northern European countries pretty much nail these students in the head when they’re young to learn English and I’ll tell you what I personally believe that it has results. English is not the most difficult language nor is it the most beautiful language or complicated. However since the vast majority of the world uses it as the universal language for business are you pretty much have to learn if you want to go down this road in the future. So, back to my boss, when my sessions ended with most of the students in the beginning of May I was left with a handful of students who were giving proficiency exams in June. In my opinion, so far, this is where my worth is. In preparing students for these exams. Not only do I get to give personal life advice but also I get to help them on the structure of these exams and when it comes to the oral examination how to perform what to say things like that. So far with most of these exams I would say about 90% of the students get the best score in oral examination which doesn’t really mean anything but it’s kind of a personal way for me to justify what it is I’m doing. Still to this day I cannot believe that I’m fucking speak English to people and getting paid money for doing so. This is how screwed up the education system is here in Greece, but also I believe that these extracurricular schools let’s call them, need to be eliminated. Anyway I’m getting away from the point. So about two weeks ago I was informed my boss that I would stop doing sessions with the students and that I would only have sessions with two students who are giving an examination in the middle of July. I was told that this was an effort to save money for the summer and that I didn’t do anything wrong. One of the advantages that I think I possess, or at least I think it’s an advantage, is that once I get to know a student I feel like I’m a part of a team. We are on this journey together whether you fail or pass. This woman took the students away for me two weeks before their oral examination and I was absolutely MAD!!! Not because she took them away for me but because she would rather give me money do have sessions with these two other students who are absolutely ridiculously horrible at English, rather than use this money on students who actually care about passing the exam. I still have no idea why these two are giving this exam in July. Whatever it is I feel extremely suspicious about this whole situation however fuck me and my opinions, fuck me and my thoughts, fuck whatever it is that I feel or blah blah blah blah blah. I NEED MY OWN STUDENTS! I need my own students, this is the only solution to whatever feelings it as I have about this job and this future. By having my own students I will deal with the parents bullshit mentality personally and handle it the way I want to handle it. This is going to be my biggest challenge. Dealing with these village minded parents. You see I’m Greek unfortunately, and when you’re Greek you have to make 5000 kids, and then pressure them to get married and have them do the same fucking thing, but also it means that you have to pay a whole bunch of money to these extracurricular schools because the kids would literally jack off in the classroom when they’re in school and the teachers don’t give a flying fuck about educating the students and the whole thing is just disgusting! Again, I need my own students so I can do what I want and that I can complain to myself and that I can accept responsibility for all the fuck ups I do during my teaching English career and also take responsibility for all the success stories and believe me, I will have a lot of success stories. Do you know why I will have a lot of success stories? Because I have experience in the corporate world and any student who logically wants to get the fuck out of this country and actually make a life for themselves abroad, I can help them and I can provide them some necessary information to know about living abroad because I’ve done it. Things to avoid while you’re living in London. Don’t do this when you’re on a job interview. Hey by the way one of the first things I did with the new students that I had by working for my other boss, I had them all sit in a chair and do an interview. Why? Because this is going to happen during their oral exam. They’re going to give an interview. I think that I am the best person to do this job because, I can help prepare the students that once they finish their graduation and start sending in CVs or resumes, and that that there really is nothing wrong with you even though it’s extremely easy to think so when you send out so many fucking resumes to different corporations and only two people respond. This doesn’t mean that I know everything. I don’t know shit. This is my experience talking and if I can help one or two students throughout my entire remaining 40 years of life than I’ve done a good fucking job In life. Forget about sucking dick as a five-year-old, forget about being rejected by so many women, forget about using my rent money to pay for casinos, if I can have one student avoid some of these traps then my job as a human being is done. I will be successful. I will be a winner. Nothing in the past and will matter, it’s as if it will all be erased , if just one student can see what I see and can feel what I feel. That’s the beauty of doing this, you get to see children grow up and noticed that you have actually had an affect on them. I am assuming this is why people have kids.Childhood must be such a awesome amazing thing to witness as a parent and I’m pretty sure I gave that feeling to my parents.
anyway I’ve tried not to stray away from my point about my boss but I think I did but whatever, I need my own students. Once that happens, I don’t think I will have enough time for gambling and for whatever because I will be preparing for lessons. This is the plan. Now what I actually am doing is gambling and being a fucking gambling degenerate and not having any money to be able to buy certain apps or certain games or certain toys to use for these lessons and I don’t understand.... I just don’t understand how I am speaking logically in this blog and yet once the compulsion arrives, I literally bow down to it and blow all my money.