Ok, so, I was given an assignment for me to look up an old blog and write about it. This made me feel logical because I know that there will be some quality information to discuss and learn. Just a couple thoughts before I begin: 1) I think this is a very proper assignment and it should be done for at least the next few sessions and 2) the automatic thought was “how am I going to approach this because now I know about my sexual abuse and I know that before when making a blog, I didn’t”. You know, 9/11 was a day everyone remembers, you know what you were doing that moment, who you were with, etc...n fact, it’s one of the few dates we refer to without mentioning the year....also folks, coronavirus will also become a moment like this, you will remember it for the rest of your life. Another moment like this for me, is the tree branch (the switch) hitting my face because it triggered a whole slew of memories from a babysitter I would go to as a child.
The important thing about this is this: the way I have changed is that if I knew ten years ago that what happened to me was sexual abuse, I don’t think it would have had such a powerful impact on me because I didn’t have the knowledge. I am not at all recovered or even close to half, but I can actually look at myself in the mirror and not give a fuck about anyone else’s opinion. That anxiety that I would feel in regards to how I would act has been dormant...why? Well I think it’s because I’ve found something to occupy myself with that gives me confidence....I obviously still have a LOT of work to do, but for the first time in, I dunno, maybe ever, I can say that I don’t feel anxious about the result of something or someone’s reaction.
ok, so, I am going to select the second blog from 2010. This is a blog I did after my first suicide attempt. What’s striking about this is the fact that I was even a member because it’s so hard for me to believe that I actually dedicated money to something other than a casino. The other thing is that I’m desperately trying to find something here, but I feel that something is blocking me from doing so. I don’t know if this is the reason, but for starters, I do not think about suicide all too often nor do I think about that summer. Is this progress? What I did know of then are limits. I actually talk of not knowing my limits. Strange because I would think that all this would come much later. Also, a good majority of my past blogs here not public. 0 comments. Why did I do this?
What I expected to get out of this assignment was me making some kind of comment or thought and having this notion of “oh, but you didn’t know what was going to happen next”. I would like to figure out if this is good or bad because I want to do this again for future sessions.