I don’t know if I ever mentioned this before, but over the past couple of years, I’ve been doing English lessons. Not full blown lessons but rather speaking lessons or guidance as I like to put it. This has helped me take my mind off of gambling (although not enough) but also I have discovered something that I am good at and at the same time, given me confidence (although again, not anywhere where it should be).
For the sake of not losing my train of thought, I will discuss the details some other time. Today I was speaking with a student, who failed a proficiency exam last December. I’ve had a few sessions with this student over the past couple months, not really doing any English preparation, but rather psychological articles, in particular ones that have to do with anxiety.
I came across this one today on Self esteem. I definitely recommend it to anyone reading this right now. You will definitely find at least one thing which will make you think positively. I also did this one about self confidence. As a result of numerous therapy sessions, I feel that I know the difference between self esteem and self confidence. I explained that my goal is to try and get the student to recognize when the anxiety is coming, to acknowledge it, and to try and change the way that this individual reacts to it or as the article says “ replace negative thoughts with positive ones.” I also told them, much easier said than done.
But, in the midst of all this, I realized that I was being or trying to be a therapist to this person. The even stranger thing was that I felt a ton of confidence and self worth in sharing all this information with the student. Maybe they got it, maybe not. But I felt like I was taking a step in the right direction with my own life and what I can actually accomplish vs the elementary school students who called me a fatso and thought of me as a worthless piece of shit. It’s time for me to start believing that if I was a worthless piece of shit, that they were equally as worthless, and since I strongly believe in the innocence of children, piece of shit elementary students never have and never will exist. So in other words, I should accept the fact that what happened to me during my childhood years, was in fact random and never held any actual basis on what the truth really was. The truth was always there right next to me....this sentence gives me such strength!! The truth was always there. It almost feels liberating to be honest...So, hopefully, I made a positive difference today in someone’s life.