Lot's of information in this particular video. I understood all of it, but I didn't connect with all of it. Here is just some notes and comments on the whole video:
Connection- Is why we are here. It gives purpose and meaning in our lives. The ability to feel connected, is how we are wired.
You know, my initial definition to the phrase "we are connected" is as follows: I live in Greece. I post on my FB page how I just had this exhilarating adventure in Athens. An old friend of mine who lives in Philadelphia sees this, and is reminded of the Ben Franklin Institute, and the following Saturday, pays a visit to the museum. Simple example I know....
However, I kind of have added a bit to this definition: You are reading this blog, and as a result, are introduced to Brene Brown for the first time. You start to hear things about love and fear and connection. This gets a certain part of your brain active, in which you make the discovery of "Shame is fear of disconnection" and you say to yourself, you know, I always think about the activity of rock climbing, but I just never pursued it because I never thought I was fit enough to do it, plus none of my friends are really into this kind of thing and they'd probably think I"m silly for even thinking about it (fear of rejection from friends). This results in you visiting a few websites and you are enthralled upon learning more information about rock climbing. So you join a local rock climbing group on Facebook, which after a few conversations with people, you go on your first ever 'climb', and as a result, you have a new hobby and are introduced to a new group of people, which eventually cultivates into a new lifestyle for you and you realize that you still can associate with your old friends, but also have found other people who you can associate with, or feel connected with on things that you were to afraid to mention to your old group of friends. All this because you saw a video one day.
The fact that you even thought about looking for more information on Rock Climbing means that you accepted to be vulnerable, at least for a while, because you already knew that you weren't sure of what the reaction of your friends might be, but you still did it.
Now, I'm going to relate this to smoking and my struggles with it. I am scared to death to give it up. There, I said it! I'm so scared and feel very vulnerable to the mere idea of me without a cigarette. It makes me uncomfortable, it makes me terrified, and it makes me feel very vulnerable because for so many years, cigarettes have been a part of me and I factually know that I am doing damage to myself, but yet I'm very scared to give it up. The really frustrating part is that quitting smoking is one of the very few things that you can actually guarantee a more healthier lifestyle. You see, in the video, Brene is trying to relay this idea of how those who do not feel worthy, need to learn to accept vulnerability even though there are no guarantees. Relationships, jobs, etc. But with smoking, there is a guarantee that it will be better.
Shame-fear of disconnection. Is there something about me that if other people see it I won't be worthy of connection. Huge! The fact of the matter is, people already see that I am a gambler, that I am smoking, and while I"m sure they may talk among themselves about it, for some reason, it does not stop me from doing it. But what about love? I feel that it is a big part of who I am, yet I'm not sure if I publicly display this characteristic of myself. But even if I do, what reactions do I get from it? Maybe the reactions are positive ones and yet I don't recognize them? Nobody wants to feel alone in this world and yet some of us live that way. How does this change?
Idea in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen. People who have a strong sense of love and belonging, believe they are worthy of love and belonging. People who believe in connection believe they are worthy of connection. This is where things tend to wander off in terms of how I understand this concept. I can say that I firmly believe that everyone except me, is worthy of unconditional love and connection. What the fuck? After so many therapy sessions and so much information, I still view myself as a piece of shit. When will it end?
Courage to be imperfect, compassion to be kind to yourself first, connection as a result of authenticity. Willing to let go of who you think you should be, in order to be who you are. Fully embrace vulnerability, believe that what makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. Yea, definitely a goal in this whole thing, but I don't get it. I do not feel any connection to this statement. Again, there is this fear of doing this because I do not feel worthy of anything in life.
Willingness to say I love you first, willingness to do something where there are no guarantees. Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and struggle for worthiness, but birthplace of joy, creativity, of belonging, of love. Same as above statement.
We numb vulnerability. Grief, shame, vulnerability, disappointment, by numbing (I think by doing addictive behaviors) You can't numb these feelings. Make everything that is uncertain, certain. Blame, a way to discharge pain and discomfort. We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people. Let ourselves be seen. This actually makes sense. You know, the other day I got into a huge argument with my mother over a washing machine. I brought up how the washing machine is broken and my mother said how she has brought in two repair guys to take a look at it, they couldn't figure out what was wrong, and so therefore, it cannot be fixed. I said that this happened almost a year ago, and that there is something else wrong with it, and she said "I just KNOW that these people here do not know how to fix the machine, so I'm going to buy another one, a cheap one." I flipped out, I said you don't even know what the problem is, you won't even bring a guy in to look at it because you already 'think' you know what the problem is and therefore, these Greek people don't know how to fix it. So your solution is to just get rid of it and buy another machine? She was coming from the point of view of how she and my stepfather would buy all these big expensive machines and how she didn't want to do that anymore, so just buy a cheap one. I said you are dealing with the problem by sweeping it under the rug. And then I proceeded (in my head, to just give up and fuck my parents for raising me the way they did, it's their fault, they are horrible parents, and should have never had me)
To love with our whole hearts even though there is no guarantee. To practice gratittuede and joy, can I love you this much? Instead of catastrophizing what might happen, I'm so grateful. To say I'm enough. Again, I do not identify with this statement, but I know it should be a goal.
As I have mentioned in previous therapy session, this is something that I want to look over and over and over because I'm certain every time I watch it, I will learn something new.