It's all because I live in Greece. It's all because I have a gambling problem. It's all because I'm a fat fuck. It's all because I smoke two packs a day. It's all because I have little or no self-esteem. It's all because I'm too good of a person to stick up for myself. It's all because it's been six years since I've had any kind of relationship with a woman. It's all because I'm a piece of dog shit.
Excuses. Excuses. Excuses. Lame. Lame. Lame.
A couple of weeks ago, I received a phone call from one of the monks at the monastery I worked at a while back. He wanted me to call this guy he knew to discuss the possibility of me working at a hotel. I felt very awkward about doing this. "Hello, I've never met you , you don't know my work ethics, you don't know if I"m a good or bad worker, can you please help me find a job in a hotel?". So a few days later, I called him. He told me that his daughter worked at this hotel in the big city an hour away from here. He referred me to her and also to the HR person and said I should go to the hotel and drop off a resume and talk with someone. I did just that last week. I went in there not knowing who his daughter is, but I had to use her as a reference. More awkwardness I felt, now there are two people involved in this whom I've never met. So I went to this hotel last week. I waited for over an hour to speak with the HR person before being informed that I was not going to talk to this woman, but that another gentleman would give me a call. I left, no biggie. But when I informed the guy who told me to go there in the first place, he said no no no, and called me back with the cell phone of the HR woman. I ended making an appointment for today at 10:30. I got there at 10:15 and informed the receptionist that I had an appointment. I waited. I waited until 11 before I got up to see the receptionist, who tried calling her but she was busy. At this point I became very flustered and said ok, I'm going to go outside and smoke and be back. I smoke, walk back in, and waited another thirty minutes before the receptionist came up to me and said where were you lah lah lah she's been waiting for you. So I finally meet the HR person, and she begins to ask me interview type questions. I start out with how I was alone in the US and decided to move here to be with my family. blah blah blah. Then she asks me, "so how do you know (insert name of girl I was supposed to use as a reference)" it's actually kind of funny know that I think about it...my brain was racing to come up with an answer. I didn't technically lie, but said yea I"m good friends with her father and such. It seemed that right after that moment, she begins to describe to me that the hotel has processes and protocol and that when they need to find someone they shouldn't be out smoking a cigarette. It was kind of like "AHA! I Caught you! and there's no way I'm hiring you" I realized then, that I would not be offered any type of job with them, which to be honest about, I didn't really give a shit about, but what I did give a shit about, what my motivation for going there in the first place was to find out information about what Greek people look for in a resume. I sent out over twenty of them and didn't get a response. This really bothered me. I absolutely am way better than any average Greek when it comes to customer service because I understand and embrace the concept. These people here do not. That's why they are all so fucked up. I started talking to her about customer service and was getting these blank stares. Bottom line with this, no job, although I do not feel in the least bit bad about this.
Now to get to some homework. Find songs that are inspiring, motivational, make you feel good about being you. Hmm....I have songs that get the adrenaline going, I have songs that make me feel this comfortable sad, but a song that makes me feel positive about myself? Very hard.......so here's what I'm going to do, I'm going to use someone else's playlist for this and see where it goes: link
Here is what this individual, I don't know man or woman, has to say about this 'playlist' :
I’ve been feeling down about myself lately. Why are we sometimes our own worst enemies, listening to the negative self-talk we hear inside our heads? I am a firm believer that self-love is the most important kind of love, and the best way to remember you are beautiful is to do beautiful things for the world.
So “sprinkle kindness around like confetti,” give a compliment to a stranger, volunteer, contact an old friend you’ve lost touch with, conquer a fear, help your family, clean your apartment, start flossing. Oh–and a good playlist to start the day off right doesn’t hurt either.
Song 1) Taylor Swift-Shake it off
I've definitely heard of Taylor. I just wasn't sure if she was an actress or singer or model...
The immediate or automatic thought I had when I saw the words Taylor Swift and music video was: What kind of person listens to this? Is this a person who already has a positive self image? Is this a person who is full of corniness? Is this a person who usually sees the bright side of things? This is without even hearing the song. When I actually listened to the song, I was thinking....ok now we're gonna hear, "oh Mickey your so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Mickey..Hey Mickey!" Ok, so obviously that didn't happen. This song is what I call, an 'upbeat' song. Not something you would find on my playlist. But when I hear her sing the lyrics,
But I keep cruising
Can't stop, won't stop moving
It's like I got this music
In my mind
Saying, "It's gonna be alright.
It becomes apparent to me what kind of person this is, or at least, who she's singing about. There are people out there who no matter what the situation, they keep a positive side on display. These are people whom I've always had an admiration for but also, people who I generally try to stay away from because I'm afraid my negativity will bring them down. I would feel so guilty. The thing is, people like this are going to feel positive about themselves no matter what other people say, so I shouldn't feel guilty at all. This is a song I can definitely respect, but I do not foresee myself putting it on my playlist anytime soon. Respect to Taylor Swift though!
Song 2) Mika, Big Girl (you are beautiful)- you're goddamned right you are beautiful!! You know, one thing I did not elaborate enough on in my previous blog, was the SG's comment about thin girls.....one thing that has changed about this website is that we get to see ALL hopefuls who submit their sets, well, I'm assuming all or most anyway. I don't remember this ten years ago. This website has done a magnificent job in regards to this particular issue. We see sets from thin girls, big girls, and everyone in between and I cannot thank and commend this website enough for doing this.
One thing that I am very conflicted on is that last week's session, I was told that you're weight is an external, it is not part of one's core worth. I'm having difficulties trying to understand this. For me, and I'm not speaking about anyone else, my weight or externals are a reflection of my lifestyle. I understand that it's not a part of my core worth, but how can I not say that my lifestyle, my compulsiveness, isn't a part of who I am? Perhaps I'm confusing core worth and who you are?
Anyway, to the actual song.
I am very with the title of the song, Big Girl You Are Beautiful, but I'm kinda confused on one lyric in particular: "Diet coke and pizza please..." What the hell does that mean? Is he making fun of overweight people? Anyway, aside from initially thinking this video was done in the 80's, I found every girl they used in this video to be super cute and even Mika is cute...ya.....lol....this is a generally upbeat video, and you know, even thought it's directed towards women, and yes me..sertraline......I am beautiful despite my weight..I know it's factually true, but I sure as fuck don't feel that way..........so unfortunately this song will not be on my playlist.
Song 3) Jessie J- Who You Are-
Lyrically, this song is exactly for me. While I'm not very fond of her voice, she sings things that I"m supposed to listen to.."I nearly put myself on the shelf," "Brushing my hair, do I look perfect? I forgot what to do to fit the mold. The more I try the less it's working." Incredible stuff right there. The more I try...you know, it's one of those things that sometimes we tend to forget and yet it's always something that turns out to be true...when you try to be something you're not, you're not getting what you deserve out of life. But the lyric that totally made me go "wow" is this: "Don't lose yourself in the blur of the stars." There are a hundred quadrillion gazillion billion stars out there, and only one of me. Not going to make my playlist but I"m very glad I came upon this song.
Song 4) One Direction-What Makes You Beautiful
Lets not forget, this is someone else's playlist. I see the words One Direction and I become a bit..umm.....WTF? But curiosity got the best of me so I click play. Actually, I've heard this music before, somewhere, sometime, on some TV show probably. "You're insecure, don't know what for, you're turning heads when you walk through the door," Ok, I"ve had enough. Respect, but I have seen people like this, I do not identify at all with people like this. But hold on a sec here. This is about someone who doesn't know their own worth, or, thinks of their own worth and bad. Ya, I definitely can identify with that. The difference with me an this person however is that I do not make people's heads turn when I walk through the door. Rather, I make people doubt, I make people not believe in me, so...respect to the song, but not at all what I'm looking for.
Song 5) Beyonce- Run The World
I think at this point, it's fairly certain that the author of this particular blog is female. How am I supposed to be inspired by a song that's directed at female domination of the world? Well actually, I am pro 'this world should be run by women'...well, at least by today's standards....I am not actually in favor of a female dominated world because that would be like asking for a male dominated world. I am in favor of an equality dominated world......it's just that women's roles today have changed, but it's still far from equal. Anyway, not going to use this on my playlist, it has nothing to offer me in terms of my own psychology, but having said that, the beautiful and very very talented Beyonce, RESPECT and much respect!
Song 6) LA ROUX-Bulletproof-
Here is yet another video where I think it's the 80's. The video, the beat of the music. I really enjoyed this particular song and video. Examining the lyrics, there's probably a way I could twist this song into a song about addiction
Been there, done that, messed around
I'm having fun, don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
I won't let you in again
I definitely want to check out more from La Roux....this particular song is catchy, and I love her voice, and I dunno, maybe the lyrics have nothing to do with addiction, maybe it's about a bad relationship...but then again, isn't that what addiction is? A bad relationship? Will it make my playlist? Probably :)
I have just reviewed not even half of this individuals playlist about feeling good about yourself. You know what's fascinating about all this for me, is that I ventured into a world I do not identify with, and yet I found out that even though I don't really identify with the music styles, there's still a few things I can learn about stuff.