A few sessions ago, I had advised my therapist that the sessions I do, are the only thing I have that resemble anything close to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting. So, why not start out the therapy session in that format? It doesn't mean much in terms of the substance that would be used in the actual therapy session, for example, next week I might not have anything to say regarding gambling, but I still think it's a positive idea to start out each session in the manner of a meeting, at least until I actually go to a meeting. I hope that should I stay clean, the longer it happens, the more meaning my clean date will have. So, here goes:
Hello, my name is sertraline, and I am a compulsive gambler. I placed my last bet on February 4, 2016. Last Friday, I developed or caught from somewhere a cold. This started out with a few coughs and sneezes and turned into me not being able to get out of the bed for a couple of days. I did manage to get out of the house for some coffee a couple of days, but I was still aching. Today has been the first day where I do not feel any aches and while I still have some congestion, I feel 95%. Needless to say, I have not worked out, so officially, I have not worked out for two weeks now. I have a couple days gone for long walks, but no working out. The only frustrating part of this is that I have wanted to so badly, especially from Monday, but I knew that it wouldn't have been a good idea because I'm more than sure I would have done harm to myself.
So, what have I been doing? Just laying in bed sleeping? Well, as most of us experience with sickness, my appetite has not been what it normally would be, so I guess that's a positive, but I have been doing a lot of program watching. The first episode of A&E intervention I ever saw, was while I was in the rehab/crisis center. The main theme of that episode was of a guy who lived in Las Vegas, who was an alcoholic. You could see a lot of his body covered with what looked like dark bruises, which were in fact signs of his liver failing him, and he continues to drink. This episode is one of the few in which the main subject in the end, dies. He did try rehab, but it wasn't enough for him to battle his demons. Then, we saw an episode of a heroin addict, and fortunately, this individual did complete rehab and has been sober ever since. My second stint at this place, which was only a couple weeks after I was released the first time, I asked one of the counselors if there were any types of videos they could show which involved gambling. He put in one of the first episodes of Intervention, which told the stories of two people, one who was a compulsive gambler and one who was a compulsive shopper. The compulsive gambler's game of choice was Blackjack, which in my own experience, is one of the worst casino games to play, yet probably the most popular one. I have never had any luck playing this stupid game, but the few times I have played it...number one, I want to make sure I am alone for fear of ruining someone elses hand because I don't really know what I'm doing, and two, it seems as though when I have had hands in which I take at least two hits and stand, the fucking dealer ALWAYS ends up with 21, which to me, although technically not correct, it feels as though the game is rigged. Ironic considering all slot machines are rigged, yet even though I was fully aware of this, it never stopped me to spend my entire rent money. I didn't particularly identify with the compulsive gambler, even though he tried four or five times to commit suicide, I had not yet attempted suicide when I saw this. Knowledge Knowledge Knowledge!
So back to the tv programming, I had recently watched a documentary called "The Man Who Ate Himself To Death" which is about a man who lived in Guam and who weighed around 900lbs. He was married, bedridden for at least two years (maybe more as I don't remember exactly) and completely dependent on his wife for EVERYTHING. This also led me to watching another tv documentary type show, which is a British show called "The Fat Doctor" which is about a surgeon who performs gastric bypass surgeries. You get to know the patients a little bit, why they do what they do, how they got there, and how it's affecting them. I have watched at least six episodes so far, and it's horror story after horror story. A couple patients were dependent on their children to wash them, clothe them, feed them etc. One guy got the surgery but his heart was in such bad shape that it didn't handle the stress of the surgery, and he died. Then they give you a last few minutes of how the patients are recovering a few months later. Yesterday, I told one of my friends what I've been doing the past few days and she didn't agree with it at all. She said you watch all these types of shows and you become more depressed. I didn't really understand what she was saying. I'm not at all denying that maybe I shouldn't be watching these shows, but in all the episodes I've watched so far, number one have a great deal of empathy for the patient, but also, I see at least one thing that I have in common with each patient. One guy would buy at least two meals from a fast food place, and go out of his way to be alone in his car and eat. Yup, I've done that SEVERAL times. I also feel a sense of "I'm so proud for them" when I see how they are doing in the end, it's sort of inspirational if you will. Maybe that's complete b.s. I dunno.
However, I want to focus on two specific episodes, and one thing from each of these two episodes. The first being from an episode of My 600lb life, in which a woman was obese for basically most of her life. Most of these tv shows start out in similar fashion, you see what hardships they are going through at the present, then they do a bit of background. You know, the one problem or curiosity I have about these weight shows and Intervention, is this: Where is the psychology/therapy that needs to be involved with these particular individuals? I completely understand (not agree with) that these are shows made for TV and need to be edited so you're not going to see everything that's going on. But also, the producers want there to be a type of 'shocking' or 'drama' aspect to the show. This is probably how they keep viewers. By putting a lot of 'therapy/psychology' it might take away from the drama and might make it more boring. I dunno, this is just an assumption I'm making, it might not hold any water, but definitely there is not enough of it. That being said, this particular episode DID have a part of it where the patient
received the weight loss surgery, and after a couple weeks, she went to see a therapist, and I was so extremely happy or thrilled or I dunno, positive feelings, about the following conversation that I witnessed:
I just had weight loss surgery and food is my comfort and now it's gone, and I feel like "what did I get myself into??!!"
Therapist "Is it just about food?"
"I went through sexual abuse when I was younger, and I didn't feel safe and food made me safe because at the time I was eating it felt like life is okay right now"
Therapist "you needed it, you needed something to help you to survive."
"it seems weird to me that something that happened 28 years ago can still affect me to this day"
Therapist "It's trauma. Sometimes it's very hard to acknowledge the pain that you had experienced"
"I want to be the person who is able to cope with things and does not just fear the worst in everything."
Therapist "Part of that is recognizing that that fear, is a symptom of trauma. Your nervous system is actually stressed, and food helps calm your nervous system. So it's not something that is silly it actually makes sense because it's very effective."
"then i get the guilt of why did you do that?!!
Therapist "so you have shame. So it's no longer effective, when you were five you needed a coping strategy to survive, now it's become a source of shame, it's become a source of punishment and it's kept you bottled up inside, and its time for you to come out and that means finding new coping strategies besides using food because what you're experiencing, the anxiety your describing, you're going back to the past "I'm not safe I'm not safe," but you're here right now and you are safe, so when you can find that grounding, that's probably the most important skill that you can use for right now, this is something you can use instead of food.
Towards the end of the show, the patient had these words "I ate for comfort when I was a kid, but I'm not that kid anymore. You never know how much change you're capable of until you're looking back on it." God, I want to give this person the biggest hug ever!
This is in fact a therapy session I had just about a month ago. When I do self-reflection, and I do it quit often during the day, I now view my life as pre-knowledge of child abuse, and post knowledge of child abuse. If the information I had described above was given to me without acknowledging these events from my past, I don't think it would have made a difference. Today, I feel a huge push in the right direction when it comes to knowledge about my past and how to fix things. Am I there yet? No, maybe not even 50%, but it sure as hell feels like at least 45%! Discovering that events from my past were indeed abuse was vital for me because ever since my suicide attempts up until that day in October of 2014, I kept getting more and more information that would correlate child abuse with addiction and depression. So when I did my first therapy session, and described these events from my past, it felt as if I had received the ultimate confirmation that what had happened was in fact abuse, and that it ABSOLUTELY played a role in who I was and why I am the way I am today. However, last month, it felt like anyway, that another major discovery was made. We made a connection between two people, pre-chubby me and post chubby me. When looking at my past, I always viewed these two 'selves' as two separate and different people, when in fact they are the same person. The connection that was discovered about how I turned to food as a coping strategy and for survival...........it was shocking to say the least. It still kind of is. The thing is, watching programs such as this give me further validation and drive to do what it is that the patient is doing, and also is having success with. I don't mean this in a way of "I'm taking advantage of her past" as validation, but I mean validation more in terms of being connected with someone. She went through what I went through. She found a different way to cope with stress and or pain. I need to do this as well because I currently am struggling with and or addicted to food. My relationship with food needs to change and I just feel that all of these stories that I've been watching provide me with help and knowledge. Of course, I am definitely willing to admit, I might be totally wrong for feeling this way, but hopefully it will be pointed out to me that I am wrong.
The other show I am going to describe is from AE Intervention, and the first season. You know, when it comes to treatment for gambling, I'm sure counselors and rehab places that focus on narcotics and alcohol could help me immensely. But I tell you, when a gambler steps into a GA meeting, there is no better place to be. These are people who know EXACTLY what you've gone through and what you are feeling. The thing is, even in the GA meetings I went to, I rarely encountered someone who was addicted to slot machines like myself. Maybe two or three people at the most. A good majority of these people were addicted to sports betting or blackjack. I'm not saying it was difficult to identify with them on a horror story basis or on a 'I can't control myself' level, but at the time, I had never placed a bet on sports, and as described above, blackjack was not my thing. Again I"m not saying that I didn't identify with no one....but it kind of did have a hierarchy to the whole thing. So, over the past few years since moving here, I would from time to time look up an episode guide on Intervention, in hopes of finding an episode on gambling. I would always start out with season one, and the one episode I had already seen, but there was another one about a woman who was addicted to 25 cent slot machines. I soooooooooooooooooooo desperately searched for this but couldn't find anywhere to watch it. I finally have! And I feel as though I was looking at myself on TV. From the denial, to the illusions "I am going to hit the jackpot", to who is going to pay your bills. Most of this episode flip-flops from the compulsive gambler to the other person who had an addiction to sex and crack. I was always very focused on the compulsive gambler though. The arguments she was having, I totally felt her mindset as to why she was saying the things she was saying. But then came the shot...........this girl had hit sevens on a machine and won around two or three hundred dollars......she didn't stop playing, even when her boyfriend found her and was begging her to leave, she refused to go......but the shot, the family was in the pre-intervention, and then the next scene in the program is a shot of her opening the casino doors and walking outside the casino. That instant second, I felt it. I felt the shame, the guilt, the hopeless look. I have had that exact feeling so many times in my life...and then she says the following "I lose every time, I don't listen to anyone, I think I have a problem." I honestly feel so passionate about that phrase, I think I should get it tattooed somewhere on my body. Then she says "Sometimes I feel so depressed I've thought about overdosing on pills and stuff like that so that I don't have to go home and face everybody and tell them what happened because they're just telling me something that I already know and it feels like there's nothing I can do about it." I have found something that I have been looking for, I found someone who I was able to identify with down to every single emotion. I recognized all of her actions, all of her thinking.
The timing of this couldn't have come at a better time. I have been gamble free now for three weeks. Tuesday, not yesterday, not today, not last week, this past Tuesday I made a huge mistake. There was a lot of hype going around in my inner circle of people about Tuesday's match with Arsenal and Barcelona. Out of curiosity, I looked at what the odds were for this game. I saw what they were, I said "yep, that's about right" but couldn't help but notice the second game, Juventus and Bayern Munich. Bayern Munich was the favorite by a long shot, and they were the away team........I said that ain't right! I soooooo should bet on a home win or draw, Bayern is in no way shape or form winning this game. It turns out I was right. What I wasn't right about though were a select few other games that I had made predictions on. All this of course was in my head, I did not make an actual bet. Why? Because I only wanted to bet one game. I could have bet only one game, and with the money I had in my pocket that day, if I bet all my money, I wouldn't have won not even twenty euros. Illusion talking here, but I don't want to bet one, five, or ten euros on a match only to get twenty euros. I want fifty or a hundred or a thousand. Later that day, after I had watched this program, I thought, you know you're going to lose, you know you CAN"T just bet one game, why bother? Now look, I don't want to make this sounds as if the entire day was a huge struggle on to gamble or not, it wasn't, but in terms of 'levels' of thought I was putting into gambling, it was definitely the highest it's been in a while.
Bottom line here is that I need to begin working out ASAP. If I'm not going to give up smoking, then I should at least start working out. I kinda view my problems as layers........there's gambling, there's smoking, and there's physical activity. I feel there's more hope than I've ever had, regarding gambling. Maybe smoking will be the last thing to tackle. But I definitely feel that I can tackle gambling AND physical activity now. I do feel ready. Maybe trying to tackle all three at the same time is in fact a bad idea, because I want to change all three and right now. Anyway, it's not that I want to change focus now from gambling to physical activity, but that I can focus on both......I probably can't touch smoking right now......I dunno, but working out will definitely be a goal for now.