This guy I used to go to high school with would always tell me things like "If a squeaky noise comes out when you fart, it means your ass is a virgin," and "My feminine side is gay." If someone told me these things today, I'd probably not be able to control the urge to punch them in the face. These comments are soooo high school and I ain't in high school anymore. However, recently, someone on my facebook page posted this, and I was surprised to see that this particular individual feels this way about herself and men:
Seeing things like this make me very insecure and make me feel horrible and make me feel hopeless about my own future and make me suicidal because if this is how the game works, then I am definitely not going to find 'the girl of my dreams' and live the future that I want to create and getting the 'dreamgirl' and the 'dreamlife' is in fact what I am using as hope and preventing myself from just ending it all. Because ending it all, is in fact what I want to do because the way society functions on everything not 'dreamgirl' related I don't agree with and I'm just not cut out to play by life's rules regarding things non-woman related.
The above photo reminds me of a situation I was in when I was 19 or 20. A group of about ten guys were all hanging out in the woods drinking, with one girl there. She CRAVED attention from everyone. We were all sitting and standing next to each other, and this girl approached us all with her top off like we were all on a conveyor belt, and one by one, each guy was grabbing her boobs. Some liked to show off tricks they knew with their fingers, playing with the nipple and whatnot. I was last in line, and when she came to me, I said no. I was immediately verbally attacked by these imbecile excuses for a life, and I gave into the pressure and did a quick grab and it was as if everyone else, girl included, was satisfied and everyone moved on. I don't think I've ever done anything so horrible in my life, and I am including my suicide attempts. No, my suicide attempts are not as bad as this. I felt like I had violated someone, but I was also violated. To me, and I'm not in anyway shape or form trying to persuade anyone else view on these things, but to me, kissing, sex, situations like I had described above, these are intimate things and not for anyone else to see. Kissing I think is something I could probably change. I actually think I am a good kisser, even though I haven't done it as much as most. However, as of right now, I am scared to death to do it in public. I fear that I will be judged and the judgement will be that I am not good at kissing and as a result, will be made fun of. Public displays of affection I think can be something very awesome. Just imagine two people so in love with each other, it doesn't matter to them what anyone else thinks about the two as a couple. That to me says something about security. They both feel secure when with each other and I totally admire and respect that. It also speaks to my own insecurity. I am not as experienced as some guys, so I'm scared that I don't know how to do something 'the right way'. I will say this though, I am approaching 38 years of age, I highly doubt that any single woman my age who is looking for love, wants a guy who has fucked well over a thousand women in his life, let alone want a guy to treat her like "she wants to be shown who daddy is."
But isn't that what the whole concept of a relationship is built on? Security? Emotional, financial, etc. Is it biologically natural for a woman or man to feel secure when with the other person? Is security one of the first 'laws of attraction' between two people? Or perhaps, I'm just totally talking out of my ass? The fact of the matter is, I know NOTHING about how a relationship works, let alone start the foundation for one. But if security is in fact something a woman wants, then I'm probably screwed....why? well, just listen to one of my videos on here. My voice. My voice is by far not a manly voice at all. I don't think I sound like a girl, but my voice carries this sense of doubt with it. It is not this manly, authoritative type voice that receives respect. But the other thing with my voice, are the words that come out of it. The vocabulary that I chose to describe events, thoughts, feelings, situations, are not at all those that people with confidence use. I have this very awful habit of explaining myself before I even get to the point of what it is I want to say. Why do I do this? Because I'm afraid that those listening will think I am fake. I think that when I describe my voice, I'm probably being very insecure about myself, and that it in fact is not a factor that would turn women off. Having said that, I do however believe that my choice of words is a factor that turns women off, well, at least not view me in a romantic way. If a man is supposed to make a woman feel secure, then I sure as hell have a lot of work to do and a lot to learn, because as of right now, I am a very insecure person, and as declared in a previous blog, my looks are definitely not going to be a determining factor in getting the right person. So, I proudly declare, "If you want me to show you who the fuck daddy is, get away from me, I do not want to get involved with you in any way shape or form," and I am very proud to declare to the world that this is who I am and I like this about me.
Something else I want to add to this, sort of a tangent if you will. My feminine side. I have always known that I've had one. I have always secretly been in love with it. Now it's time to let it out. When I was seven, my parents had opened up a little restaurant in downtown Wichita Kansas. Big mistake, but this is not a blog about business. My mother had come up with this idea to have sort of a 'party night' every Friday or Saturday or both. This is where I was first introduced to Belly Dancing.
Look, I love Nirvana, metal, goth music, this music speaks to me, I enjoy it, I enjoy playing it. But belly dance music runs through my veins. The drumbeat gets me soooooooo pumped. Anytime I'm in a not so good mood, I just put on a belly dance song, and it's like an automatic temporary cure. But the dancing is also something I admire a lot. When I was little, I would wrap a towel around my waist and try to shake my booty and hold my hands in the air, in hopes of making the towel fly in a certain way. Needless to say, this kind of died out and I never really wanted to pursue anything dance related in my life. Until I saw this:
This is the amazing, beautiful, and very talented Rachel Brice. Just look at what she is able to do with her abdomen area. That is fucking incredible! But not only do I admire watching her performance, I think I can do the same with my own body. The grace, the technique, it's all something I want to make a part of the physical person who I want to be. Rachel is someone who specializes in yoga type things, and for sure, if I want to do this for myself, it's going to take years of hard work and practice, but I do think I can do it for myself and not necessarily be exactly like her, but be satisfied with my own way.
Makeup. I've never had the urge to wear lipstick. If I would wear lipstick, it would probably be some obscure color, like silver with glitter in it or something. Rouge, no. Now eyeliner.....hell yea! I think I can get really creative with eyeliner, but it's not socially acceptable, so that pretty much kills the idea, unless it's Halloween. Fingernails...now fingernails is interesting for me because I would absolutely love to do my fingernails, I wouldn't use pink or red colors, in fact I don't think I'd use just one color on one fingernail. I'm more interested in creating little designs on my fingernail, but probably not all my fingernails, just one or two..anyway, yep I'd totally do it.
Being a sensitive person. I suppose it's socially acknowledged that women are more sensitive than men. I think I'm on the right website and you all will agree with me when I say that this is total bullshit. I do not consider myself a sensitive person. I am full of compassion, I love all types of people, young and old, men and women. Does this mean I am sensitive? I think these things mean I am logical.
I have described various things about me that I think make me an awesome person. For some men, these things I have described about me i.e. make-up and dance, are things that are feminine, and therefore only women should feel or do. I don't view them as feminine or masculine, but more of who I am. The thing is, when approaching the 'outside' world, I do not get treated as an awesome person. I get ignored or viewed as a weirdo, so many times I have to be conservative in regards to displaying who I am and what I'm' about. I don't want to be normal, to me normal is wrong. I want to be me, I don't want to have to display a certain character just to attract a woman who I think is right for me. But are these characteristics that make up me, something that any woman out there can appreciate when looking for love?