Have you ever eaten a brain? I did once. It was Greek Easter, and greek people have this tradition of eating every single body part of the lamb. I tried the brain with some lemon on it, and it tasted horrible! Never doing that again. EVER! Anyway, last therapy session my therapist wanted to try something new. I was going to talk about my abuse events that happened to me from the past, and she was going to retell the story to me with mistakes (on purpose). I actually felt very scared at first, and it was an intense type fear. I know I was advised that I wasn't going to relive these moments, but rather just tell a story..but it still felt like that at first, especially when I was describing what I remembered. However, this lasted maybe about one minute because then my therapist started to retell the story with mistakes, and the fear immediately turned into kind of an anger feeling. Now that I know what happened was abuse, and especially now that I know this is what caused my improper eating habits, I am full of anger, but in this instance I was more of a frustrated type anger because I was being asked questions and I kept saying "I don't remember". The positive thing out of all this is that I want to learn more about this stuff because I feel that it would be of an immense help in correcting my present behavior, but when I can't remember things like "Did he say dont tell anyone" or "did someone walk in" it kind of feels like well what am I going to learn if I cant remember anything. The thing about the latter is that the bathroom incident, I only remember maybe five seconds of that, but theres a glimpse of some type of memory that maybe someone did walk in because what I remember more strongly was that I continued to go to this babysitters place but don't remember seeing him again. It's kind of dangerous actually because you don't want to create false memories.
The idea that I as a five year old, started eating a lot in order to deal with stress, still seems kinda odd because it just seems that only an adult would chose to deal with stress in that manner. Add the fact that I didn't keep a journal back then and it just sort of complicates my whole memory recollection. However, I feel a great sense of discovery and something along the lines of accomplishment upon reading the information that I have regarding my thought patterns. Its like, oh, okay, so that's why I did what I did...now how do I fix it?
I am assuming that one method to 'fix' it, is to go to the root of the issue and cut it out from the root. Which I think we are doing right now. This leads me into my homework assignment which was to list two songs about how I feel right now and two songs about how I want to feel in the future. Immediately a couple of songs came to my head, the first of which is by Linkin Park...
Some immediate quotes from the song..."
Wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace
Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape
I'm my own worst enemy
It feels like every day for the past twenty years or so has been exactly like this. Every day goes to waste and I continue to self sabotage anything positive I create. One thing I am really acknowledging to myself is how incredibly lucky I am to have all these opportunities in front of me. How many people have the chance to relocate? How many people collect rent and don't work? How many people have the time for therapy?
Another quote from the song
I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused but I'm scared
I'm not prepared
Right on regarding a lot of my bad habits.
This has to be one of the most beautiful melodies I"ve ever heard. First off, just the melody part speaks to me as this feeling of "I"ve been through hurt and now have redemption". The very beginning of the song immediately brings me to tears. The song starts out with "This is my life, it's not what it was before, all these feelings I've shared....these are my dreams, that I've never lived before." Thinking about what my life would be like without being addicted to so many things seems so far fetched, I'm not even ready to describe what goals I want to work on because there are so many, I just feel overwhelmed and give up or give in. However, I have thought of one thing to say about how I want my future to look like and that is to be self-reliant. The dreams I may have about my future might actually change if I stop my addictions, but I definitely dream of a partner in life in which we are not dependent on each other, but in which we help each other out with our goals and are there for each other. I guess as an actual dream though, it would be nice for my compulsive tendencies to not always be at the forefront of everything I do. I guess my dream is to show respect to myself first.
Another quote... " These are my words that I"ve never said before...I think I'm doin ok...this is the smile that I"ve never shown before..."
Yea, umm..."I"m doin ok?" When was the last time I experienced that...but the smile I've never shown before....that's not entirely true, I have shown my smile..in very few situations...but I know it exists..and it's quite the awesome smile if you ask me. Smiling though is very important for us human beings...did you know, you can hear a smile over the phone? It's one of the most fulfilling emotions we have as humans and it's done so easily and everyone does it! Yet I dont do it too often.
This is the song that I use for motivation to go to the gym. "Now is the time for me to rise to my feet, wipe the spit from my face, wipe these tears from eyes" I'm pretty sure I have brought this up in a previous blog, but it's such an adrenaline pumping type song, the importance that I put into these lyrics are not only about how I feel about the present, but also what I want out of the future. I have been through child abuse, twelve years of being a reject in school, years of loneliness, bankruptcy, three suicide attempts, and I'm still here, sulking, but still here. Does this make me a strong person? How do I take all these experiences and use them to make me stronger?
This is a song about looking back where you've been, and where you can be as a sober person. It's something I would like to consider that I am capable of but again, sometimes it seems too far fetched.
Regarding my goals for the past two days, I went to the gym last night (it was incredible) and I went today. I did not withdraw any money, however I should mention that it has been made much easier because Tuesday I actually won some money, so that should keep me occupied for a few days. As far as goals for our next session...no soda and no junk food, and gym at least three days, but I have another one. Apparently, there are some extra curricular exercise type classes that I am entitled to that come with my membership to this gym, one of which is Yoga....I was completely positively surprised by this as I didn't know about it, but my goal is to go there tomorrow at 8pm. I don't really have any expectations about this, the one time I did yoga was at the mental institution and while I understand all the stretching and stuff, I didn't feel anything meditative about the experience. Perhaps the meditation part of Yoga is only done while alone?