I am a procrastinator. I've done it ever since I was given my first homework assignment in elementary school. Doesn't mean that I don't care about what it is I"m supposed to do, but I am either lazy or unprepared for the assignment. So, I was given the assignment of burning the letters to the people from my past. Done! Actually, done twice, I printed this stuff out, and then burned it, but I also deleted my journal entries and replaced them with one sentence: Deleted as therapist has asked in hopes of creating a better future for me. Goodbye old me!
The burning was a bit tricky as I am paranoid as fuck about burning the whole house down, but it was controlled, took forever, and the smoke got in my eyes. I printed eight pages and took them outside and lit 'em up and put them in a flower pot. One thing I noticed as I was watching the pages burn, I could actually see a flame and up until the last bit, it seemed to be gathering intensity. Was I actually burning these people? Well, my brain was telling me, fuck yea they're burning, and they're screaming "NOOOOOO....NOOOO....NOOO!!!" as their voices starting fading away. I didn't exactly feel any sense of dramatic change within me, maybe as the days start to follow I will, but it was kinda fun. The later though is what makes me feel very good and very proud....
Deleted as therapist has asked in hopes of creating a better future for me. Goodbye old me!
Saying goodbye to yourself can be very empowering to say the least. But I haven't exactly moved on yet, I don't think I know how to, hence my reasoning for doing therapy in the first place. But what I did in these two journal entries is f'ing huge....I essentially replaced these long, intense, pain-laden letters with one simple direct sentence.....hopes of creating a better future, goodbye old me. I hope that I can overcome my battles by becoming a more direct and to the point person. Yes/No, this is my plan, move on..next.......I am assuming it's just a matter of practice.
This weekend I did a fair bit of socializing and coffee drinking, and I also got to play soccer. I didn't run a whole lot, but it was positive nevertheless to be able to do some physical activity. One night though as I was walking home, I felt that panic OMG these people are looking at me feeling.......this time, I said to myself...these people haven't been through even half of what I've gone through. The more I think about my past, the more I am trying to instill this 'I am a survivor' mentality in my head. Is this wrong and or dangerous?
Right now, I kinda feel like a weightlifter, in terms of the maneuvers that a weightlifter goes through. You squat, put your hands on the bar, and prepare yourself to lift the weight, then you lift it while at the same time rise to your feet, and rest somewhat with the weight even with your shoulder, then it's one last gasp for air and you attempt to lift the bar over your head. I feel as though I'm at the lifting the bar rising to your feet stage. I have gathered all these painful memories and am now attempting to lift and get on my feet. From what I gather, it's all going to be just a matter of practice and trying to instill new habits.