I sent Christmas cards yesterday! I've never done that. I've wanted to, but due to lack of funds or just laziness, I never have. My diet is having mixed results. I have not had anything that I'm not supposed to, but I am still having issues regarding consistency with the times I am supposed to eat. Some days, I have neglected to eat the in-between stuff and just eat the dinner or lunch. I know this type of diet is heavily reliant on chemicals from foods so the results that the dietician expects may not be up to par, but I tell you what, not only has my soda intake been next to none over the past month, but over the past few days, my juice intake has also gone significantly down. I need to drink water basically and for me water is for when you sweat and since I can't go to the gym due to the surgery, I don't drink a lot of it. Oh well, I guess like you said before "baby steps". I'm just trying to force myself to be happy about this junk food thing but I will not allow myself to give me any praise because the results don't show yet. Tomorrow this chic is supposed to come over and weigh me. Social-wise, this past weekend was social and not social. No complaints there. Yesterday however, I felt kinda depressed. Depressed that I don't have any real friends here. One of the cards I sent was to my friends/family in NJ. I spent a couple holidays with them over the years because I had no place to go. I miss them greatly because we spent a lot of time together and did a lot of activities. I sent her a message yesterday about how having a good support network is vital when one tries to make changes to their life and I told them how much I appreciated them. Things are cool now I suppose between us, but we are far away. They were stunned/disappointed/ sad not only that I left them, but how I left. I left all of a sudden, I didn't even tell them goodbye. You know why? Because the last conversation I had with this guy, I started talking gamblers anonymous talk, I don't remember what I said exactly, but I said some things that you would hear at meetings, and he (having an alcohol multiple dui problems) knew exactly what I was saying, and he said "they've brainwashed you" and that's when I realized, I couldn't rely on him for support. One memory I have of him that sticks out the most is his little girl tugging at his side so he can play with her and he's passed out on the couch. When i saw that, I was furious. He always said "i never understand why you gamble" then takes a drink. He knows whats up, he knows how to stop drinking, he is the one who first said to me "knowledge of self". I later realized what the hell that means, and while it has not prevented me from gambling, it has taken my education level about whats going on to a higher level. That being said, I still miss them and I hope I get to go back to the US to see them. I don't know if he's still drinking, it's none of my business honestly, but the one who I feel for the most is his wife. She has her mother who is an alcoholic, husband alcoholic, her sister died, and well, life has thrown her some shit, probably more than others, yet she still tries to be positive.
It's still raining here. Not necessarily an unbearable cold, but just dreary. I also wanted to mention, now that I remember, it seems as if once every week or so, I'm having dreams about my old job and how I show up late and get fired. Does that mean anything? I also have a few days out of the week where I feel as though I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing, i.e. therapy, no junk food, no cola...I feel as if I have no direction. Does this mean perhaps that we need to re-establish goals?