sertraline

God is something I'm completely confused about. I have a stance but I don't know exactly what it is. I've began reading my one day at a time book again (FYI, I placed a bet two days ago) and I came across god again. How am I supposed to move on or learn or whatever with this subject? Since I'm in the Army doing things I wouldn't normally be doing, I once again am thinking about my former job and former life in New Jersey. It's disturbing to me that this place brings me thoughts of comfort. I know I was miserable there, I know I put myself through hardships there, and yet these memories give me comfort. I don't understand. I wanted to move to Greece knowing that i would have to go through this army ridiculousness. I wanted to come to Cyprus because the word is that there is harder more strict training here. I am happy with the training so far because I'm doing something different. |Today for example, we learned how to throw hand grenades and learned about landmines, which lead me to think how stupid mankind is because a ton of money is involved in the art of killing people, when in the end we're going to die anyway. I've also become 'fascinated' for lack of a better term with death. What does it feel like? What happens? |Why don't we know what happens? I suppose we don't know any of these answers because it's all about faith. Believing in something that's not there in physical shape or form. I know that when I took all those godamn pills, I felt paralyzed and was in delirium yet I did not die. I didn't experience any visions or anything. Maybe I didn't try hard enough, maybe I did it wrong. |Whatev, I know for a fact now though, that when I gamble, it's all about the 'care' factor. How much do I care? I know what to do or at least what to do to get on the right path to abstinence, but it's a matter of how much do I really want it?