sertraline

Phew! I went to the gym and did 50 minutes and am now back to 98kg. I didn't even weigh myself this morning cause I was too scared that it would have said over 100kg. So, if I go tonight, I just might make it below 97 and be able to wake up tomorrow morning below 98 for the first time. That means that if I go to the gym tomorrow, I'll see 95kg for the first time! sweet! Today's reading is one I don't quite fully understand but I feel it's directed right at me. It talks about resentment being socially acceptable which I'm not sure I understand. Like is it socially acceptable to feel guilty about your past? I want to quote something here "when anger, hurt, fear, or guilt-to be socially acceptable-put on their polite, party manners, dress up as resentments, and come in the side door, may I not hob-nob with them. These emotions, isguised as they are, can be as full of trickery as gambling itself" from one day at a time. I don't know what socially acceptable means in this situation. I know that I used all these emotions as an excuse to gamble. Several times and when I'd be gambling, I wouldn't feel any of them. I think thats what was in it for me. When I'd be sitting at a machine, I'd basically feel numb to everything that was going on in my life, except when I'd hit. When I'd hit, my eyes probably became as big as balloons and it felt fucking great! I've realized that these past few days, I've been living in the past, well at least feeling resentment, hate, fear towards the people from my past that I now talk with. I documented my fears about making contact with the lesbian, and I think I made it a positive experience for me, maybe not for her. I don't think she will ever trust me and she has every reason not to. I don't blame her one bit. But, I can't simply just forget about her because I need to learn what NOT to do if I ever encounter somoene who opens themselves up to me again. But I've also been trying anyway to contact with a couple other people from my past. Just little "hi how are you" type messages. But oh man, I'm definitely feeling like it's 2009 or so cause I'm doing a lot of contemplating about new jersey and I think this is one of the steps to recovery. If you're going to overcome your fears, your past, and build a strong foundation for yourself, you have to walk through all the mess that you created before in order to get to a good future. I acknowledge where I'm at now, I'm walking through the past to get to a better future. and let me tell you, it hurts. It really hurts. This is kind of dangerous if you ask me because I feel like suicide all over again. I've been able to catch myself so far because I realize that I don't have anything with these people anymore. Just a facebook page to keep in touch but I don't interact with them, I don't ask them for money, I don't blow things out of proportion and I don't self pity myself around them. Its kinda like, ok, the past year I settled down from the bomb I dropped on myself, and now I'm taking steps to build something that I never had before, which is a life.