sertraline

I don't really know what to believe as far as guardian angels, but for me, I can make a pretty good case for having one and a good case for not having one. I haven't been watching intervention these past few days and I figured I'd begin a new one. It was about a heroin addict who was molested as a kid and also had an alcoholic mom and basically as a teen, she started doing all kinds of drugs in H.S. This brought a question to me that I have no answer for: Why was I not a drug addict? I started gambling when I was 20, but drinking/smoking when I was 15 and I know that all these other 'substances' were around me but I can't say I was ever introduced to them. I think I probably would have been too scared to stick a needle in my arm but theres so many other things to do. Did I have an angel hovering over me directing me to not do drugs? I mean I definitely would have loved doing them. Its kinda hard to remember my high school years, I'd say they were pretty average. I never had any traumatic experiences, not great ones either. Actually, I simply didn't have any experiences. I pretty much was working or locked myself in my room. Ahh, my first experience with isolation. My college years fucking sucked, I had no friends, no pussy, just a few barely legal magazines and the internet. Thats what hurts the most, I went through all those years either being at my dads restaraunt or in my room. Its haaaard not to have any regrets about those years. Those are supposed to be the most productiveyears of ones life and I simply wasted mine sleeping/studying/ or being at that godamned restaraunt. I will never forgive him for wanting me there all the time. He was so protective of me and hey, I never made any effort to actually form a circle of friends. But there I go blaming again. Honestly, I kinda wish I was a drug addict so that I could have overdosed at 22 and died and not have to deal with any of this shit. The thing that sucks about being a compulsive gambler is having to listen to everyone elses gambling stories but you can't od on putting money in a slot machine all you can do is try to kill yourself which I'm horrible at. This brings me to my second example of why I may have an angel, my second attempt, I felt so paralyzed that when the paramedics arrived at my door, I walked with them to my doorway entrance and fell down and coulnd't speak or get up. They had to carry me, 286 lbs of me in this fucking back into the ambulance. Why didn't I just fall asleep and not wake up? My case against an angel is time. I spend way too much time daydreaming and being lazy. Like, I'm extremely fucking lazy. I have to find extreme ways to motivate myself just to take a shower. LIke, why keep me alive, if I take so much time to do nothing? I don't get it. I hope tomorrow won't be full of laziness.