sertraline

Last year in April, I had this feeling of "I guess I'm just not cool enough to be a junkie," since my insurance company refused to pay any expenses for a gambling rehab. I actually thought about trying some kind of substance, just so that I could get hooked and then I could go to a rehab. I had mentioned in a previous entry about my first trip to the mental/rehab hospital and how easily I identified with the people there who had substance addictions. I can tell you that I do not feel these feelings anymore, but I can still describe them in full detail. When I'd be playing a slot, the main goal for me was to hit a bonus game. Hitting a bonus game gave me this huge rush of excitement. It gave me the same feeling you get after the first cigarette of the day, when you finish eating, or after you orgasm, and whenever that bonus game would come, I'd immediately light up a cigarette. I smoke like a fucking chimney, have been for years, but I do not get that sense of excitement from it. The same can be said if I'd hit a line that would pay twenty, fifty, or a hundred bucks. And the sole purpose for continuing playing after hitting for a decent amount, was to get another hit. It was NEVER about money. Never never never. I wanted that rush, I wanted to hit for fifty bucks or hit a bonus game. And I'd end up spending one hundred bucks, to get a bonus game that paid twenty. I'd spend three hundred bucks, to hit on a game that paid one hundred. It just made me feel so out of place and more ashamed that I had become addicted to something that most other people do casually once or twice a year. It's so freakin weird knowing and being aware that you have an addiction you can't stop, and continuing to do it. I knew that within the year, if I continued this, I'd be homeless. I don't feel that need anymore to experience that rush. You know why I gamble now, or gambled until july 25? To get more money. When I get a twenty now, I'm satisfied. I go buy smokes, go for coffee or a beer with someone, but when the twenty dwindles down to 2.50, its like, uh-oh, I need more money. Needless to say, that hasn't worked too often. Oh I've won twelve bucks or so and when that happens, I end up leaving and go do my thing. I haven't been to a casino since Oct. of last year, and while this doesn't mean that I don't think about them, I just don't have the desire to go. I know exactly how much money I can win and it's just not worth it. The most I ever won was three thousand dollars. This was on June 1st of 2010. I had to have been in the casino in Delaware for at least thirty six hours. And I was in the bathroom counting it, but I didn't want to experience any rushes, I was looking for an excuse to die. I actually felt like "ok, I have 3k in my wallet...uh..now what do I do?" So I kept playing and lost it and didn't even feel guilty, I knew that now it was ok to go and pop in the trazedones and hopefully leave this existence. I know that the most I'll win from a machine is around 1k. Frankly, I just don't need 1k now. True, I don't have any money as we speak. perhaps I'll be able to get a five or something tonight to go out and have coffee, I dunno, its just that I dont' want anything now as far as merchandise is concerned. What I want is to figure out what the fuck I'm doing here, what the fuck it is I need to do to get confidence, and what the fuck do I need to do to improve me and make me a wanted person to be around.