For some of us, the past is such a hard thing to let go of. Letting go does not mean that you forget it, things that have happened are permanant, its just that they're permanent in the past and nothing can change that. I can chose to live in the past and dream of how I'd love to have the opportunity to change the past, but it all ends up a waste of time. I don't know about anyone else, but for me, the only thing I can and should do, is use the past as an experience and try to develop the 'learn how to live life' skills I need to develop more and more relationships with people and also continue to develop myself. Theres a saying that I've always thought was kinda corny which is "you have to learn to crawl before you learn to walk". This is something that I'm admitting right now, I don't fully grasp it. I'm also admitting to myself right now that I think it is crucial that I grasp this. I've always been the type of person who has focused on the step ahead without actually having learned the step before. Example, I think I can enter a boxing ring and knock the other person out, and so I focus on that, but what I really need to focus on is training and learn how to throw the proper punches and learn the timing of that so that I can knock the guy out. One of my biggest character defects is how I place huge expectations on strangers that I meet who are potential friends or potential girlfriends. I mean, I'll meet someone and discover that they like to fish, and immediately in my brain, I'll start to imagine all the times I'll get to go fishing with that person and within the next week. If I see a woman who I find attractive, I'll immediately imagine myself walking down the aisle with them or walking on the beach with them and things like that. If I were to join a dancing club that meets every Thursday, I'll immediately picture myself going to this club every Thursday for the next year and things will be so great. When I go out for coffee, I'll be enjoying myself but then I'll start thinking about tomorrow and how I would hope I'd be doing the same thing tomorrow. So, when these things don't happen, then I get all depressed and start isolating myself and start the 'stinkin thinkin'. As a teenager, I never had any confidence in myself and this carried on to college and the end result right now is that I lack any type of socializing skills. I know for a fact that anyone I"ve had a friendship with that lasted longer than three months, really like me and that I'm a good guy and all that. The problem is that initial first step. I desperately need to get new people in my life and I just don't know how I'm going to do that.
So yesterday, I decided to show my mother an episode of intervention. The episode I had watched earlier in the day was by far the best and most significant episode I have seen to date. It was about a guy, 21 or 22, who was addicted t oxycontin. The family situation had deteriorated to the point where the father was living with his three sons in a hotel room and he was unemployed. It was all about him until they revealed that the father had a gambling addiction. It seemed as though every little detail in the episode spoke volumes to me, I mean the way they were living was like trash. I was living in an apartment, I didn't clean much, I had things scattered all over the place, and looking back, I was living like a piece of trash. You know, I remember one time when I was at work, I was thinking about living in my car. I figured I could take a shower at the company I worked for and not have any rent or bills to pay and that I could save up a ton of money. It's so unfortunate to see what lengths addicts go to, in order to get their next high. Today, I am pleased that I have the knowledge to know whats going on, although I've had some difficulty in controling myself, I definitely realize that I am a sick person. One thing that immediately raises flags in my head is when I hear someone say "It's my escape". Thats what this father told his son when they were arguing about money. My definition of escape is running away and oh my god I am not the know it all and I have sooooo much more to learn, but I know for a fact that the biggest reason why I gambled was because when I was in front of that machine, the world did not exist. My eyes, my ears, my heart was all focused on pushing that button and hoping for a win. The only way that I deal with problems was avoiding them. I did not know how to deal with life's problems on life's terms. I still don't feel that I do. The only difference now is that I recognize this and want to learn how to develop methods that work.
So when the episode concluded, I told my mother that the son was me, and the dad was her. You see, back in october, I found this website that lets you play the same slot machines online for free. I introduced it to her, and since then, I find her on the computer playing it for at least two or three hours a day. In her mind, it's ok to play these games because they don't cost anyone money. If i learned anything from my few months of going to GA, it's that a bet is a bet, whether its for money or for fun. It gives her t same high when she's playing these games.
Look, one of the many things that I finally understood when I left the rehab/hospital place was that I can no longer hold a grudge against my mother for not allowing me to drive a car until I was 19. I've always felt that because I had to get rides to and from work, it prevented me from getting a social life. When I would look to my past, I would always think "man, If I had a car when I was sixteen, I would have partied and etc etc, but I would have been through it, and it wouldn't turn out to be a problem and I could have been a normal human being." When I left the hospital, I no longer felt that way. I just didn't want to blame anyone for anything anymore. So I explained to her last night, that I was over it. I explained to her that I lack the social skills that are needed to find meaningful people in your life and that I wanted to learn them. She didn't fully understand I don't think, but I felt that it did end up to be a positive conversation.
On other news, I finally made it to 98.5 kg. With all the fluids that I've drank, I think I'm probably now 99.5 or whatev, so I'm satisfied with that and hopefully I will go tonight to the gym and maybe I can get to 97.5..
edit, I can't believe I forgot to say this. I broke down and called my sponsor. When got here about eleven moths ago, I went straight for the beach and I didn't call my sponsor. THen in oct, I fucked up and thought about calling him but was too embarassed, month after month I felt more and more guilt and shame that I neglected to call him. I just had enough of this guilt so I called and left him a vm. I hope he's doing alright cause I know he has a lot of anxiety problems too.
So yesterday, I decided to show my mother an episode of intervention. The episode I had watched earlier in the day was by far the best and most significant episode I have seen to date. It was about a guy, 21 or 22, who was addicted t oxycontin. The family situation had deteriorated to the point where the father was living with his three sons in a hotel room and he was unemployed. It was all about him until they revealed that the father had a gambling addiction. It seemed as though every little detail in the episode spoke volumes to me, I mean the way they were living was like trash. I was living in an apartment, I didn't clean much, I had things scattered all over the place, and looking back, I was living like a piece of trash. You know, I remember one time when I was at work, I was thinking about living in my car. I figured I could take a shower at the company I worked for and not have any rent or bills to pay and that I could save up a ton of money. It's so unfortunate to see what lengths addicts go to, in order to get their next high. Today, I am pleased that I have the knowledge to know whats going on, although I've had some difficulty in controling myself, I definitely realize that I am a sick person. One thing that immediately raises flags in my head is when I hear someone say "It's my escape". Thats what this father told his son when they were arguing about money. My definition of escape is running away and oh my god I am not the know it all and I have sooooo much more to learn, but I know for a fact that the biggest reason why I gambled was because when I was in front of that machine, the world did not exist. My eyes, my ears, my heart was all focused on pushing that button and hoping for a win. The only way that I deal with problems was avoiding them. I did not know how to deal with life's problems on life's terms. I still don't feel that I do. The only difference now is that I recognize this and want to learn how to develop methods that work.
So when the episode concluded, I told my mother that the son was me, and the dad was her. You see, back in october, I found this website that lets you play the same slot machines online for free. I introduced it to her, and since then, I find her on the computer playing it for at least two or three hours a day. In her mind, it's ok to play these games because they don't cost anyone money. If i learned anything from my few months of going to GA, it's that a bet is a bet, whether its for money or for fun. It gives her t same high when she's playing these games.
Look, one of the many things that I finally understood when I left the rehab/hospital place was that I can no longer hold a grudge against my mother for not allowing me to drive a car until I was 19. I've always felt that because I had to get rides to and from work, it prevented me from getting a social life. When I would look to my past, I would always think "man, If I had a car when I was sixteen, I would have partied and etc etc, but I would have been through it, and it wouldn't turn out to be a problem and I could have been a normal human being." When I left the hospital, I no longer felt that way. I just didn't want to blame anyone for anything anymore. So I explained to her last night, that I was over it. I explained to her that I lack the social skills that are needed to find meaningful people in your life and that I wanted to learn them. She didn't fully understand I don't think, but I felt that it did end up to be a positive conversation.
On other news, I finally made it to 98.5 kg. With all the fluids that I've drank, I think I'm probably now 99.5 or whatev, so I'm satisfied with that and hopefully I will go tonight to the gym and maybe I can get to 97.5..
edit, I can't believe I forgot to say this. I broke down and called my sponsor. When got here about eleven moths ago, I went straight for the beach and I didn't call my sponsor. THen in oct, I fucked up and thought about calling him but was too embarassed, month after month I felt more and more guilt and shame that I neglected to call him. I just had enough of this guilt so I called and left him a vm. I hope he's doing alright cause I know he has a lot of anxiety problems too.