It's around 10pm right now. I'm in an emotional state of chaos, well, more down and curious I guess. I have to figure out what it is that I want out of life. Not what I like, but what it is that I want to accomplish and how to get there. Right now, I just don't know. Right now I feel as though I don't belong here. RIght now I feel miserable and it's because of one thing. I am lazy. I can tell you that I don't have motivation but I can't tell you why. I can blurt out all the things I am and am not but I still can't tell what it is I want out of this life. What I do know is that I WANT to stop smoking, I WANT to get in shape, and that I WANT to stop feeling misery, and quite frankly, for right now, I'm satisfied to say those three things are what I want out of life.
I woke up today and did not smoke for at least five hours. I kept occupied with internet stuff.I sent the following message to a friend of mine on FB......
I wanted to share something with you that really has me feeling like crap. This is the response I got from my perfect Hollywood cousin (sarcasm) regarding Amy Winehouse. Now I never listened to her music, I never read an interview, and perhaps I wouldn't like her as a person..I don't know, but what I do know is that she couldn't stop harming herself. That in itself gets respect from me because I know that any given moment I could head down that familiar downward spiral and maybe this time, I'll get it right and die. I actually caught myself feeling like this a few days ago and I felt last year happening all over agian...bottom line Bekki is that I caught it and I know what needs to be done which is stop smoking. It's another addiction and quite frankly, I view it just the same as heroin or gambling.
OK, I got drawn off on a tangent here. This evil fuckbag cousin of mine is clueless on the subject of addiction. People like this are what recovering addicts are going to have to deal with in recovery and I'd like to hear your thoughts on how you've dealt with them. Check this out, it's her response and it makes me so overwhelmed that I want to vomit, preferably in her face, when I read it. I've read it a hundred times, tried to type out a hundred different responses and I haven't said anything cause I give up on what to say.
"in her case- as a public figure, being a former celebrity publicist I know how it is behind the scenes- the only reasons why these people even go to "rehab" is for pr purposes only. they really dont give a shit, otherwise they would have stayed sober the first time around. these 40k a month rehab facities are top notch and are practically vacations- once an addict, always an addict until they make a concious decicion to get well. in her case, she never wanted to. her handlers and pr people forced her to go just because it looked good to the public eye, like lindsay lohan, and britney spears. this is one of the many reasons why i dont do celeb pr anymore. i do fashion and beauty. i cant handle other peoples bullshit. the 4 am phone calls- no."
how the fuck do you deal with this? This is coming from someone who I had a lot of great memories with as a kid, she's my direct blood relative, and yet she just makes me want to cry.
I'm also letting you and only you know, that I'm making July 25 2011 my clean date. , since I've moved here, I've been playing lottery games and making sports bets, fifty cents here, five bucks there...Not really frequently either, I mean I had a time where I know I went at least two months without making a bet. I guess what I'm saying is I'm not clean, I still have a bit in me. I'm also saying that I have full confidence that I can rid it of my system. Gambling does not rule my world anymore, but it's still a problem. You know what rules my world? Smoking. So since I don't have any meetings to go to, if it's ok with you, I'm making this message my meeting.
That helped me release a lot off my chest. I'm just so unsure of this smoking thing. Gambling wise, I'm very determined to commit to stopping it. I haven't even played poker which isn't my game but it passes the time. What worries me about the smoking is that I'm afraid I don't understand a whole lot about addiction, considering all the rehab facilities I went to and meetings I willfully and gratefully attended, I'm afraid to admit that I still don't get it. Like, if I don't get it, I'm admitting it right now..although getting it may not be my issue. I don't have any meetings to go here. God the meetings were so great, I mean it kept you focused throughout the day and you got a chance to vent/learn about yourself others and how to move on and try and make something productive about yourself. I come here to Greece and basically I have no problems to deal with, I'm just chillin with no worries at all and yet I have no one to talk to. I don't have anyone I can identify with and up until a few days ago, I didn't see that as an issue. But this gambling/suicide feeling crept in me and I started gambling again on Friday and SUnday. Yea, I only lost fifteen euro, but the feeling was the exact same as I had been experiencing when I tried to kill myself. Also, for the past week or so, I'd been having these visions of winning money. Actually, I think I loved Athens so much that I really wanted to go back and it kinda triggered this snowball effect of irrational thoughts and it led me to gambling last week.
I do want to say something that I think is very positive in regards to changing since I've moved here which is that I'm able to identify these thoughts and what they mean. Basically, one common thing compulsive gamblers do is envision buying all these for themselves and their friends and living up the life. I can tell you that I definitely know what I did is a 'beggining' and that I need to address this issue ASAP or else it's going to get worse.
I've also been watching a lot of AE intervention episodes. I don't necessarily agree with their format, I mean I think a lot of it has to do with drama and sellng it. I also wish they'd put a little more time on the persons recovery. But overall, my intention is to keep the addiction side of things in my head 24/7 since I did place a bet.
I woke up today and did not smoke for at least five hours. I kept occupied with internet stuff.I sent the following message to a friend of mine on FB......
I wanted to share something with you that really has me feeling like crap. This is the response I got from my perfect Hollywood cousin (sarcasm) regarding Amy Winehouse. Now I never listened to her music, I never read an interview, and perhaps I wouldn't like her as a person..I don't know, but what I do know is that she couldn't stop harming herself. That in itself gets respect from me because I know that any given moment I could head down that familiar downward spiral and maybe this time, I'll get it right and die. I actually caught myself feeling like this a few days ago and I felt last year happening all over agian...bottom line Bekki is that I caught it and I know what needs to be done which is stop smoking. It's another addiction and quite frankly, I view it just the same as heroin or gambling.
OK, I got drawn off on a tangent here. This evil fuckbag cousin of mine is clueless on the subject of addiction. People like this are what recovering addicts are going to have to deal with in recovery and I'd like to hear your thoughts on how you've dealt with them. Check this out, it's her response and it makes me so overwhelmed that I want to vomit, preferably in her face, when I read it. I've read it a hundred times, tried to type out a hundred different responses and I haven't said anything cause I give up on what to say.
"in her case- as a public figure, being a former celebrity publicist I know how it is behind the scenes- the only reasons why these people even go to "rehab" is for pr purposes only. they really dont give a shit, otherwise they would have stayed sober the first time around. these 40k a month rehab facities are top notch and are practically vacations- once an addict, always an addict until they make a concious decicion to get well. in her case, she never wanted to. her handlers and pr people forced her to go just because it looked good to the public eye, like lindsay lohan, and britney spears. this is one of the many reasons why i dont do celeb pr anymore. i do fashion and beauty. i cant handle other peoples bullshit. the 4 am phone calls- no."
how the fuck do you deal with this? This is coming from someone who I had a lot of great memories with as a kid, she's my direct blood relative, and yet she just makes me want to cry.
I'm also letting you and only you know, that I'm making July 25 2011 my clean date. , since I've moved here, I've been playing lottery games and making sports bets, fifty cents here, five bucks there...Not really frequently either, I mean I had a time where I know I went at least two months without making a bet. I guess what I'm saying is I'm not clean, I still have a bit in me. I'm also saying that I have full confidence that I can rid it of my system. Gambling does not rule my world anymore, but it's still a problem. You know what rules my world? Smoking. So since I don't have any meetings to go to, if it's ok with you, I'm making this message my meeting.
That helped me release a lot off my chest. I'm just so unsure of this smoking thing. Gambling wise, I'm very determined to commit to stopping it. I haven't even played poker which isn't my game but it passes the time. What worries me about the smoking is that I'm afraid I don't understand a whole lot about addiction, considering all the rehab facilities I went to and meetings I willfully and gratefully attended, I'm afraid to admit that I still don't get it. Like, if I don't get it, I'm admitting it right now..although getting it may not be my issue. I don't have any meetings to go here. God the meetings were so great, I mean it kept you focused throughout the day and you got a chance to vent/learn about yourself others and how to move on and try and make something productive about yourself. I come here to Greece and basically I have no problems to deal with, I'm just chillin with no worries at all and yet I have no one to talk to. I don't have anyone I can identify with and up until a few days ago, I didn't see that as an issue. But this gambling/suicide feeling crept in me and I started gambling again on Friday and SUnday. Yea, I only lost fifteen euro, but the feeling was the exact same as I had been experiencing when I tried to kill myself. Also, for the past week or so, I'd been having these visions of winning money. Actually, I think I loved Athens so much that I really wanted to go back and it kinda triggered this snowball effect of irrational thoughts and it led me to gambling last week.
I do want to say something that I think is very positive in regards to changing since I've moved here which is that I'm able to identify these thoughts and what they mean. Basically, one common thing compulsive gamblers do is envision buying all these for themselves and their friends and living up the life. I can tell you that I definitely know what I did is a 'beggining' and that I need to address this issue ASAP or else it's going to get worse.
I've also been watching a lot of AE intervention episodes. I don't necessarily agree with their format, I mean I think a lot of it has to do with drama and sellng it. I also wish they'd put a little more time on the persons recovery. But overall, my intention is to keep the addiction side of things in my head 24/7 since I did place a bet.